Bettman & Satellite Radio: Who didn't see this coming?

In what has already been widely reported, Gary "Smug Prick" Bettman will host a live call-in show on XM Satellite Radio, called "NHL Hour". Bettman is one of the most hated figures in all of sports. No one knows how he has kept his job. Oh wait, the owners like him because they make lots and lots of money. (Guess what, Owners? You'd make more money if your games weren't hidden away in the deep, dark depths of cable TV hell. Read, Versus Channel.) On all other fronts, Bettman has been a complete and utter failure. He's a fool who doesn't understand hockey or its fans. What a dick.

Anyway, I've been trying to think of some questions for him and this is all I could come up with:

• Bettman! Why are you such a smug prick?


• Gary, every Monday night it takes me 15 minutes of wading through channels like Hallmark, Oxygen, and CSPAN3 before I finally find Versus. Seriously, you didn't think of this?? Versus is on channel 92!! That's not even an easy number to remember. Fuck.


• How could you possibly suck at your job this much? How?? Tell me right now.


• Gary, I hate you. Explain.

WILDS UPDATE: Since I've been away the Wilds are 2-3 and 2-5-1 in their last 8. That's not good. This guy is still out with a groin. Oh and so is this guy. And these guys are our best players. So that's too bad. The Wilds take on the Flames tonight in Cal-Gary.

NHL Executives...Still Sucking...

Maybe you didn't know this, but the NHL front office is full of geniuses. Let's highlight their brilliance since the lockout ended:

1. Versus - Remember the lockout, when there was no hockey for an entire year? And then, remember when the NHL told ESPN to suck it and put the games on the Versus channel so no one would watch? That didn't work out too good. On Versus, formerly the Outdoor Life Channel (OLN), programming is still dominated by duck hunters, triathletes, and Ted Nugent. And luckily, it's still on channel 174. So even if you wanted to watch hockey, you'd have to find the fucking channel in the deep, dark depths of cable TV hell. On the plus side: Versus did catch Snoop Dog at a playoff game last year.

Result? Possibly the worst decision of any major sports league. Ever. Word on the street is the NHL is crawling back to ESPN.

2. Schedule - In another brilliant post-lockout move, the NHL decided everyone would be better off if teams play half their games against divisional opponents and only 10 games against teams in the other conference. The idea was that increasing the number games against divisional opponents would create rivalries or something. Well, that was a terrible idea because mostly it just looked like the teams grew tired of seeing each other out there. I actually heard some kid whine to his dad, "But daddy, I don't want to watch the Oilers again!"

Result? Bettman and the rest of the owners decided that was a pretty bad idea and changed back to the old schedule.

3. New Jerseys - During last year's all-star weekend (which included musical groups Robert Randolph & the Family Band, The Wreckers, and The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. I'm serious.) the NHL and Reebok unveiled fancy new jerseys that are supposed to make the players lighter and faster and better or something. By the way, isn't that the same marketing campaign as the Reebok Pump sneaker? Instead, they sure came up with some ugly jerseys for this season. Check them all out here.

Result? The jerseys are ripping during fights. Derek Boogaard is kind of pissed about it too, because they enable him to actually kill people (which could possibly warrant a suspension longer than 5 games). You know, instead of just collapsing people's skulls, like what happened to Todd Fedoruk - (this is from Wiki: "Fedoruk...had titanium plates permanently embedded into his face" after fighting Boogaard). As Boogaard eloquently said:

"Oh well. If somebody gets hurt, it's Reebok's fault. They're the ones that told us it wasn't going to rip."

You hear that Gary? Boogaard doesn't care if he kills people. It's Reebok's fault.

4. Season Opener in London - No, not London, Ontario. London, England. I still don't understand this from a marketing standpoint. Why do this? In England?? I have so many questions about this I almost can't handle it.

Result? I'm not talking about it anymore. Fuck.

Like I said, NHL fans are truly lucky to have such great stewards of the game. But honestly, you look back at some of these decisions and it makes you wonder who the hell is steering this ship.

In other news, the Wilds start the season on Thursday and my wife is really looking forward to seeing Burns and Rolston on the ice together. What a perv.

Reason Number 237 to Hate the Mighty Ducks

Ryan Getzlaf, Center, Mighty Ducks of Anahiem.
Stanley Cup Champion at age 22.

So naturally, what's the first thing you do? You take it back to Regina and pose under a goddamn waterfall?? In that electric blue shirt?? Are you serious?

This picture is Canada's take on Glamour Shots. (Remember Glamour Shots? Yikes.) Doesn't he have a handler or something? Someone to say, "Um, Ryan. Posing for that picture. Yeah, not a good idea." Or, "Hey Ryan. You know, there's no assurance you're going to win the Cup again, so you might not want to look like a total doosh in those pictures you're taking. Just FYI." Apparently not. I blame this on Gary Bettman.

In other news, the Wilds first game is only 10 days away...

Recap: Original Mighty Ducks scratched in Game 5; Wild lose to real NHL players

Game 5 is long over now. The Wild were thoroughly handled by the Ducks again. The one thing I can't get over is how boring it is to watch the Ducks play. With the exception of Ryan Getzlaf, Andy MacDonald, and Teemu this team is a bore. If I see Chris Pronger score one more power play goal, I might throw up all over myself.

Despite the quick exit, we did learn a few things about the Wild and the NHL:

1. Brent Burns will fight you and giggle about it afterward.

2. Scoring goals will help you win playoff games. Scoring power play goals is also important. Wild power play % - 7.4 (ranked 14 out of 16 playoff teams). Anaheim power play % - 26.3 (ranked 1 out of 16). Interesting. Maybe we should work on the power play during the offseason.

3. This will get you a 3 game suspension. This will get you a 5 game suspension. This is the movie Slapshot (a must see if you are to understand the NHL's new marketing campaign). Readers, behold, the new NHL.

Todd Fedoruk gets punched in the face...hard

Another NHL game, another guy knocked out and lying in a pool of his own blood (ok, there was no pool of blood). This time it was Todd Fedoruk of the Flyers. He and Rangers tough guy, Colton Orr, squared off in a heavyweight match-up that took place 20 seconds into the game. That seems awfully quick. Hmmmm.

In their last match-up, Orr and the Rangers felt Fedoruk "took liberties" with Rangers players when Orr was out of the lineup. (Sounds oddly sexual, I know.) You see, peoples, Colton Orr is a goon (Fedoruk is a goon, too). He commands respect when he's on the ice. He keeps the dirty, physical stuff to a minimum. When he's scratched or not playing, the other team's tough guy might take advantage of the situation. Otherwise known as "taking liberties" - are we getting it??

Isn't that why we have referees, you ask? Hey! What is this basketball??? The players "police themselves," which, in theory, actually leads to less fighting/pools of blood and more scoring (to paraphrase Dale Hunter, Marty McSorely, and Todd Bertuzzi). In any case, Orr decided that Fedoruk needed to be "held accountable" for his actions that night. Hence, the fight.

Don't worry, though. Todd was okay.

"I'm a little sore but I'm fine right now. I remember everything. I looked at him and he said, 'Let's go.' He knocked me out on the way down. When I got off the ice I woke up. I guess I got my bell rung.''

Well, he didn't remember everything. Rangers doc, Claude Macaluso said, "He is having some problems with short-term memory, but other than that he is great."

Yeah, and other than the fact that he can't remember his wife's name, what he ate for dinner, and how to tie his shoes, he's doing GREAT. Also, although he doesn't remember the team he plays for, he did seem to recognize the team colors and jersey logo. So the Flyers expect him to return soon.

Gary Bettman said he hadn't heard about the incident as he was busy working out the details of the league's new TV deal with the Food Network.

Just for a second, just to see how it feels

That's Hayden Panettiere. Apparently, she's one of the stars of the tv show "Heroes". More importantly, she's licking Lord Stanley's Cup. (That's obviously one of the finest sentences I've ever written.)

Just when you think Gary Bettman is irreversibly incompetent, he goes and does something like this. And totally redeems himself! Well, not totally. But that was a pretty good idea. I'll have to see the Cup involved in something a bit more pornographic before I forgive him for inking that Versus deal.

Thoughts about who you'd like to see licking Lord Stanley's Cup? This could get interesting...

Fighting Gary Bettman

The hockey news today is that Islander Chris "The Decapitator" Simon will not face criminal charges for his attack on Ryan Hollweg of the Rangers. If you didn't see it, check it out here. It's pretty fantastic.

Is it just me or does there seem to be a lot more cheap shots and old school fighting this year? Check out the clip below of Jordin Tootoo crushing Robidas of the Stars. Tootoo (yeah, that's his real name) was suspended 5 games for the action. My theory on all this is that Gary Bettman and the NHL are letting up on fighting because fans love it, it generates buzz (good or bad), and it sells tickets. Seriously, since the lockout there has been very little national media coverage of the NHL. Except when some goon tries to chop another guy's head off. The Chris Simon incident is the best example of this. That clip was shown everywhere. It's better publicity than no publicity at all. Right? Right, Gary??? You keep watching, we'll see more of this stuff next season.

Oh and enjoy watching this guy get knocked out dead cold. Eeeesh.

Another Tip for the NHL

The Wild play another big game at home tonight against Dallas. (I should stop saying that, because at this point they're all big games.) Gaborik and Demitra have been pretty much unstoppable for the last 10 games. Here's a quote from Brian Rolston about making sure other guys are contributing:

"We'll be just fine. Gabby and Pav have been going for a long time here. But I agree we need to get goals from other places. I don't think Butch and me are doing a terrible job, but obviously we need to get scoring again, there's no question."

Okay, so here's my beef. What's with the nicknames??? Read that again. Gabby, Pav, and Butch!?!? Three nicknames in three sentences. You rarely here nicknames tossed around in interviews from athletes in other sports. I'm convinced this is a hockey thing. And it needs to stop. Rolston, you're giving an interview. Try to pretend you're not sitting in a bar talking hockey. It's a good thing if people know the names of the players. It is. Really. Can we start acting like a legit professional sports league now? Can we? Please? I blame Gary Bettman and Russians.

Tonight on...Versus (sigh)

Yes, tonight on Versus (formerly OLN, otherwise known as Outdoor Life Network - wow) the Red Wings battle the Flyers. For those of you who have never heard of Versus (you're not alone by the way), it's channel 932, sandwiched between The Puppy Channel and The Hallmark Channel. (Incidentally, the Hallmark Channel is pretty much Lifetime, WE, and Oxygen channels wrapped into one. So don't let your ladyfriend fool you.) Anyway, if you can find the channel, you can watch hockey tonight. Oh and preceding the hockey game is a show called, "Holy @#*!" Nope, not kidding. So be sure to tune in a little early tonight.

I just can't believe the NHL let this happen. How on earth do you let ESPN go away??? Makes no sense. Although, my inside sources tell me that ESPN had no interest in bringing back the NHL. If that was the case, the league should have just given ESPN the rights to broadcast games. For free. Instead, NHL games are lingering in cable tv hell. No one watches. I read somewhere that only 14 people watched the All-Star Game this year. How is this possible? I blame Gary Bettman for this. And obviously, the Russians must take some of the blame as well.

I really wish I could have been inside of Bettman's brain during negotiations. What the hell was happening in there? On the one hand you have ESPN, the worldwide leader in sports. Not just the best sports channel, one of the best channels on tv. Everyone knows that. When guys turn on their TVs, ESPN is either the first thing that comes on or the channel is immediately changed to ESPN. At that point, there's a 50/50 chance the guy will just leave it on. No matter what is on. Seriously.

Case in point, last weekend I wake up around 830am, wander to couch, turn on ESPN, and proceed to watch an hour of women's 9-ball pool. An hour! Granted, the Black Widow was playing and she IS tremendous, but still. And yesterday, I turn on the ESPN and some terrible NBA game is on. Now, you have to understand that I hate the NBA. It's a disgrace to all other professional sports. I just can't get into a sport where its best players, Shaq and Lebron, can be sidelined for 20 games by a big toe injury. A big toe. How is that possible? In any case, I end up watching the basketball game. For no good reason. I don't even like it. It's obvious, I'm hypnotized by ESPN. My wife, knowing this, comes in and says, "What are you doing??? You don't even like basketball." I look up, tired and drowsy. Shit, she's right. That breaks the spell.

Okay, so back to Bettman's brain. Why wouldn't he want millions of guys watching NHL games on the worldwide leader in sports? I can't answer this question. Let's just go with this: Gary Bettman is a douche until he proves otherwise. Seems reasonable.