Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Preseason brawls; DiPietro tugs on it in the crease

Everyone loves a good, old-fashioned hockey brawl. Especially, when the goalies go at it. The brawl in the clip above is from last night's Islanders/Rangers game. Oh yeah, and it's still the preseason. Who said the preseason doesn't mean anything? Honestly.

You know it's hockey season when quotes like this start showing up in the New York Times, "Orr fought Kip Brennan, and Hollweg and Simon tangled. Rangers forward Jason Strudwick, who fought Brennan in the first period, jumped Simon." Talk about a clusterfuck. And speaking of clusterfucks, if you read the AP story about the brawl, you might have wondered if you were actually reading about some hot homoerotic action, rather than, say, a hockey game. These are real quotes from the article:

"Simon charged Hollweg from behind..."

"Jeremy Colliton and Andy Hilbert...drifted toward DiPietro's crease."

"DiPietro grabbed Strudwick from behind and gave several tugs..."

"Strudwick fell on Hilbert, and DiPietro kept pulling..."

"The two came together...jawed, and exchanged stick jabs."
Am I immature and sophomoric in my humor? Probably. But, I didn't write that shit. I mean, I guess this is the "new" NHL and everything. Maybe the NHL is the gay man's answer to the WNBA. Maybe this all a part of Gary Bettman's master plan...

Also, the Wilds win 2-1 over Buffalo, in a game played in beautiful Grand Forks, North Dakota.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Reason Number 237 to Hate the Mighty Ducks

Ryan Getzlaf, Center, Mighty Ducks of Anahiem.
Stanley Cup Champion at age 22.

So naturally, what's the first thing you do? You take it back to Regina and pose under a goddamn waterfall?? In that electric blue shirt?? Are you serious?

This picture is Canada's take on Glamour Shots. (Remember Glamour Shots? Yikes.) Doesn't he have a handler or something? Someone to say, "Um, Ryan. Posing for that picture. Yeah, not a good idea." Or, "Hey Ryan. You know, there's no assurance you're going to win the Cup again, so you might not want to look like a total doosh in those pictures you're taking. Just FYI." Apparently not. I blame this on Gary Bettman.

In other news, the Wilds first game is only 10 days away...

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Brent Burns fights when you tell him to fight and not a moment sooner

Above, please fondly remember the highlight of the 2007 NHL Playoffs: a boyish Brent Burns repeatedly punching a Mighty Ducks d-bag in the face. This season, Burns is the Wild's great hope on the blueline since Keith Carney is bound to have a hip replacement surgery (or two) sometime in the next 6 months. Burns also has a habit of showing up in my wife's dreams, along with Brian Rolston. She describes him as a "slobbering frat boy," which I guess is a compliment. Right?

Anyway thanks to a great feature from Wild beatwriter, Mike Russo, we learn that Brent Burns was actually a little bit of a pussy before he beat up Chris Kunitz in the clip above. Also, his dad, mom, and pretty much all his pals back in Ajax, Ontario thought he was being kind of a pussy too. From Russo's story:

"For years, Burns' father told him it was time to fight. Burns' buddies back home always made fun of him for not dropping his gloves."
(Coincidentally, this is straight from the movie "Youngblood" where Rob Lowe plays this prima donna who won't fight and doesn't get any respect from his teammates, coach, or even his dad. So Youngblood's dad has to teach him to fight and then he fights the goon, Carl Racki, after he scores the game winner on a penalty shot. So, it's a pretty complex plot.)

Back to Brent Burns. After he fights Kunitz, Burns decides that he probably better fight Corey Perry two games later, just for good measure. You can see that fight here. So, everyone is thinking, "Wow. What's gotten into Burns? He's a tough guy now?" But as it turns out, Burns only fought Perry because some guy in the stands told him to. From Russo:
"I only dropped the gloves because a guy in the second row yelled, 'Fight him! Fight him!" Burns said.
Well that's good to hear. Because whenever I'm at a game it doesn't seem like the players are listening to me. (Like when I yelled at Ozzie Guillen that he was a doosh as he was walking to the dugout. Amazingly, he didn't even acknowledge me.) But rest assured, Brent Burns is listening! And even better, he'll actually do what you tell him. So I hope all Wild fans will make a point of yelling, "Fight him!!! Fight him!!" whenever he's on the ice this season.
"I should have done this my first year. It took me four years to drop my purse." Burns said.
I don't really understand what that means, but I like it a whole lot.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Jim Souhan: "Sports Columnist", Lover of Similes

Last week, Jim Souhan, a "sports columnist" for the Mpls StarTribune, wrote a piece about Wild players gathering a week before training camp to workout and get in shape. For those of you who don't know about Jim Souhan, he's the "funny" columnist. I guess. The gist of the article is that Wild players are really dedicated and hard working or something. Apparently, Souhan was really impressed that they got together and skated a whole week before training camp started .

I don't want to sound like a dick, but aren't these guys professional athletes? Isn't it sorta their job to, you know, workout and get in shape during the offseason? And be prepared for the season and stuff? Also, hasn't the Wild been on summer break since roughly April 19 when they were thoroughly handled by the Mighty Ducks? Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that like 4 1/2 months off? Oh wait, and what is the average NHL player salary these days? $1.5 million or more? Ooooh, that's a lot! But yeah, I'm really impressed those guys were knocking the rust off a week before training camp starts.

Maybe it was a slow news day or maybe Souhan just wanted to WOW readers with his witty similes. For example:

"The only season shorter than a Minnesota summer is the summer vacation of Minnesota's pro hockey players. The Wild begins formal training camp on Friday, but they've already sweated enough that the spartan locker room at Parade Ice Garden is starting to smell like an industrial-sized bag of Fritos."
I get naseauted reading that it's so awful. Also, a hockey locker room smells like Fritos. No, an industrial-sized bag of Fritos. What? Emm. What the fuck is he talking about? (Wait, how big is an "industrial-sized bag of Fritos"? Seriously, I can't even picture that.)

But here's the real gem. Souhan gets us rolling with this one, talking about Wes Walz and how he doesn't score a whole lot:
"He's an exceptional skater and fitness freak who has survived since his NHL debut in 1989 even though he scores about as often as a sports blogger."

OH! No you didn't, Souhan!! Another crazy simile!! Zing!!!

But seriously, are "sports bloggers" nerdy and lame? I guess I just don't understand the joke. "Sports bloggers" don't have sex? Really? (A better question, do "sports columnists" have sex? Tony Kornheiser?? Wow.) Is that the joke? I mean, I know blogs and websites and computers and general word processing are super hi-tech and everything, but what am I missing here?

More importantly, why a "sports" blogger? Why not a political blogger? Why not a sci-fi/fantasy blogger? What about some dude who has a Japanese animation fetish and writes a blog about it? Can't you argue that, as bloggers go, "sports bloggers" get the most ass? (By the way, I refuse to believe that you, Sid and Reusse are knocking them dead down at Dan Kelly's or wherever you guys go. I've seen some of those broads and...well, have fun with that.)

I guess what I'm saying is that the column you wrote is terrible. Fritos? Really??