Tuesday, October 2, 2007

NHL Executives...Still Sucking...

Maybe you didn't know this, but the NHL front office is full of geniuses. Let's highlight their brilliance since the lockout ended:

1. Versus - Remember the lockout, when there was no hockey for an entire year? And then, remember when the NHL told ESPN to suck it and put the games on the Versus channel so no one would watch? That didn't work out too good. On Versus, formerly the Outdoor Life Channel (OLN), programming is still dominated by duck hunters, triathletes, and Ted Nugent. And luckily, it's still on channel 174. So even if you wanted to watch hockey, you'd have to find the fucking channel in the deep, dark depths of cable TV hell. On the plus side: Versus did catch Snoop Dog at a playoff game last year.

Result? Possibly the worst decision of any major sports league. Ever. Word on the street is the NHL is crawling back to ESPN.

2. Schedule - In another brilliant post-lockout move, the NHL decided everyone would be better off if teams play half their games against divisional opponents and only 10 games against teams in the other conference. The idea was that increasing the number games against divisional opponents would create rivalries or something. Well, that was a terrible idea because mostly it just looked like the teams grew tired of seeing each other out there. I actually heard some kid whine to his dad, "But daddy, I don't want to watch the Oilers again!"

Result? Bettman and the rest of the owners decided that was a pretty bad idea and changed back to the old schedule.

3. New Jerseys - During last year's all-star weekend (which included musical groups Robert Randolph & the Family Band, The Wreckers, and The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. I'm serious.) the NHL and Reebok unveiled fancy new jerseys that are supposed to make the players lighter and faster and better or something. By the way, isn't that the same marketing campaign as the Reebok Pump sneaker? Instead, they sure came up with some ugly jerseys for this season. Check them all out here.

Result? The jerseys are ripping during fights. Derek Boogaard is kind of pissed about it too, because they enable him to actually kill people (which could possibly warrant a suspension longer than 5 games). You know, instead of just collapsing people's skulls, like what happened to Todd Fedoruk - (this is from Wiki: "Fedoruk...had titanium plates permanently embedded into his face" after fighting Boogaard). As Boogaard eloquently said:
"Oh well. If somebody gets hurt, it's Reebok's fault. They're the ones that told us it wasn't going to rip."
You hear that Gary? Boogaard doesn't care if he kills people. It's Reebok's fault.

4. Season Opener in London - No, not London, Ontario. London, England. I still don't understand this from a marketing standpoint. Why do this? In England?? I have so many questions about this I almost can't handle it.

Result? I'm not talking about it anymore. Fuck.

Like I said, NHL fans are truly lucky to have such great stewards of the game. But honestly, you look back at some of these decisions and it makes you wonder who the hell is steering this ship.

In other news, the Wilds start the season on Thursday and my wife is really looking forward to seeing Burns and Rolston on the ice together. What a perv.


G.H. said...

glad to have you back. i'm looking forward to another season of following the NHL exclusively through Wally's Wild Hockey Guide. Go Chiefs.

Anonymous said...

Let me get this straight; Fedoruk chases Boogaard the length of the ice looking for a fight and he is the bad guy?

What do you suggest Mr. Boogaard should have done?

k.w. said...

Dude, Mr. Boogaard is never the bad guy. I just wanted Bettman to know that if these new jerseys rip and Boogaard kills someone, it's not his fault. It's Reebok's fault and it's Bettman's fault.

Dakota said...

You're whiteness is showing again: it's Snoop Dogg, Wally.

John said...

Any word on how the games on the Interwebs are going?

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