The Brian Rolston Situation: Someone's Wife is Not Happy

Wild fans! I apologize. It's been too long. After the Wild's game 5 loss to the Ducks I lost my muse - how could I not?? But then some wonderful reader posted a great comment. My muse returned.

Those of you who are long time readers of Casual Hockey will remember Rolston's visit to my bedroom (wow, that really sounds terrible) during last season's playoff run. In short, my new wife of 7 months had some kinky dream about Rolston. Apparently, he was a BIG part of the dream. Not to worry, we're still going strong. Brian Rolston might have a really hard slapshot and piles of money stashed away in his basement and come to think of it, he's probably in excellent physical condition, too. Point is, he's not going to ruin this marriage!

To my dismay, my lady pursued the Brian Rolston Situation (that's what we call it now) and after many hours of research on the internets she found credible information (Wikipedia is credible, right?) that Rolston was in fact divorced. (By the way, as you can read in the post, she was WAY too excited about this possibility. Then, inexplicably, she started in on Brent Burns. So now we have the Brent Burns Situation. This is my home life. It consumes me.)

And so, we come to July 2, 2007. More than two months after my last post. More than two months since I claimed Rolston was divorced. I get this comment from an "anonymous" reader:

Brian Rolston is not divorced. Someone must of edited [Wikipedia] because go back and it says he is married...he is not divorced, and I don't know why you care about this stuff.

-Anonymous

Then, "Anonymous" closed with, "My husband - er, I mean Brian Rolston is a happily married man. And if you EVER write anything to the contrary again , I will fucking kill you!" Ok, not really, but I'm pretty sure that Brian Rolston's wife left that first comment. Read it again. It's completely crazy. I love the, "I don't know why you care about this stuff" line. Yeah, I don't know why either. Umm, it's funny? Can that be a reason why?

In any case, you know you've made it to the big time when players' wives are reading your shit. But I feel for her, because if you google 'brian rolston's wife' check out the first thing that pops up. (Also, my blog muse is now officially named Mrs. Rolston. Thank you for making me write again. Readers, check back for more frequent updates.)

UPDATE: Rolston to continue bedroom visits with Brent Burns in tow

Last week, my wife had a dream about Brian Rolston. Today at 2:27pm I get this email:

Subject: rolston

wikipedia says he's divorced!!!

Later, I get this email:

Subject: brent burns

brent burns is my new favorite. i'm going to have a dream about him, but it'll be a lot less refined than the dream about rolston. i mean, burns is a boy, rolston is a man. it'll be a slobbery frat boy flashback type dream.

Ummm...should I be worried about this? She's clearly way too excited about the fact that Rolston is divorced. Let's keep in mind that we've only been married about 8 months. (Is it too soon for marital strife?) At first it was funny, but isn't this taking it a little far? "Slobbery frat boy flashback type dream..." What is that supposed to mean?!? (Does "flashback" imply that she's had "slobbery frat boy" encounters in the past? Who is this woman???)

Recap: Original Mighty Ducks scratched in Game 5; Wild lose to real NHL players

Game 5 is long over now. The Wild were thoroughly handled by the Ducks again. The one thing I can't get over is how boring it is to watch the Ducks play. With the exception of Ryan Getzlaf, Andy MacDonald, and Teemu this team is a bore. If I see Chris Pronger score one more power play goal, I might throw up all over myself.

Despite the quick exit, we did learn a few things about the Wild and the NHL:

1. Brent Burns will fight you and giggle about it afterward.

2. Scoring goals will help you win playoff games. Scoring power play goals is also important. Wild power play % - 7.4 (ranked 14 out of 16 playoff teams). Anaheim power play % - 26.3 (ranked 1 out of 16). Interesting. Maybe we should work on the power play during the offseason.

3. This will get you a 3 game suspension. This will get you a 5 game suspension. This is the movie Slapshot (a must see if you are to understand the NHL's new marketing campaign). Readers, behold, the new NHL.

Brian Rolston paid a visit to my bedroom and I didn't even get an autograph

This morning I wake up and my wife rolls over and says, "Oh, I had the weirdest dream last night!" She's sort of giggly and smilely while she says this, so immediately I'm wondering what the hell she's going to tell me. Then she says with an even bigger smile, "I dreamt I was making out with Brian Rolston!!" She's clearly very excited about this. I ask her what "making out" means. She says, "You know, making out! Just a little fun. It was nothing serious."

Nothing serious? A little FUN??? What does that even mean? She's fantasizing about an actual person! It's not as if she's having a dream about some nameless, faceless dude. (Although that makes me wonder, is it worse if the dude is nameless and faceless because that implies some kind of unfillable void in your relationship? Or is it worse if it's an actual human because then there's an actual possibility of it happening? And if the latter is worse, should I be constantly worried about this? For example, when my wife says she's going to "run an errand," what kind of errand is she running??) If it's going to be a real person, I'd much rather it be a professional hockey player as opposed to, say, some guy I work with. That would just be creepy and awful.

Generally, it's not a good sign if your wife is having dreams or fantasies about other men...I'm told. But in this case, I wonder if it's a good omen, it being game day and all. I mean if my wife's dream about "making out" with Brian Rolston helps the Wild win tonight, I'm all for it. Plus, if she's going to "make out" with someone on the Wild it might as well be Rolston - solid player, nice enough guy, etc. If she fantasized about the following guys, I'd be pissed/worried:

• Little PMB - He looks like he's 13. That would just be weird.



• Pavol Demitra - He's got that unusual Eastern Euro thing going on and I find it a bit disconcerting. A guy like that should never be in your wife's dreams.



• Boogaard - I think it's obvious why. I'm pretty sure Boogaard would put me to shame...that's all I'm going to say.



• Marian Gaborik - You'll have to click the link to see what I'm talking about. Seriously.

I'm not really sure how to wrap this up. It's sorta weird my wife has a thing for Rolston, but it's also sorta awesome. I think he gets two tonight in a Wild victory. But if she asks me to grow a soul patch, I'll know this whole thing has gone a bit too far.

Wild win; postpone inevitable until Thursday

Wow. That game was almost too fun to watch, if that's possible. After getting thoroughly handled for 3 straight games, the Wild stormed back and put the jackhammer on the Mighty Ducks in a 4-1 win. About halfway through the third, I was convinced Anaheim was just going to stop playing and give up - something about ruffled feathers....

There were so many fantastic things happening in this game, I'll just give you a few choice highlights:

Newsflash! Brad May is Still a Dick - (Yep, I meant to say dick not duck.) Brad May, chief Ducks douchebag, sucker-punched Kim Johnsson, knocking him out. Let's keep in mind that, according to hockeyfights.com, Johnsson has never been in an NHL fight. So, three cheers for Brad May!!! He knocked out a defenseless Swede. And former North Stars coach, Glen Sonmor, had just finished telling us that the Swedes are a bunch of pussies! Oh, Brad, please read the blog more often.

No one should be surprised by his actions, though. He was at the center of the Todd Bertuzzi incident in 2003. At the time, Brad actually told the press there was a bounty on Steve Moore's head, all but assuring there would be retaliation for Moore's hit on Markus Naslund in an earlier game. Interestingly, Brad didn't want to comment about the sucker-punch after the game. Brad May is one classy guy, what else can you say? (You guys know that when I write classy I mean douchebag, right?)

Brent Burns Probably Wants to Fight You - After scrapping for the first time just a few nights ago, Burns was at it again last night. This time the victim was Corey Perry. Check it out here. What's hard to see in the video is that afterward Burns was so clearly excited, almost giddy, about fighting for the second time in his career. He had a grin on his face all the way to penalty box. The guy is like a big, dumb puppy. When he got out of the box, I thought I saw Jacques pat him on on the head and say, "Who's a good boy?!? GOOD BOY!!!" If Burns had a tail, it would be endlessly wagging.

Mighty Ducks Looking for New Strategy; Flying V an Option - Even if it was just for one night, the Wild made the Mighty Ducks look soft and uncertain. We'll see how tomorrow's game turns out. One thing is for sure, the Mighty Ducks do not want to come back to St. Paul for game 6 - not after what happened last night.

Stanley Cup parade likely postponed; Unused ticker tape to be burned in a heap at center ice

Hmmm. What to say.... Ah. Fuh - eh. Well, ... uh. Sigh.

That about sums it up. The Wild are down 3 - 0 to the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim. It's a sad day in St. Paul and it won't get much better come Tuesday, either. Last night, the Ducks put the old Double Underhook Suplex move on the Wild in a 2-1 win (see pic at left). The game was fun to watch for about 7 minutes in the second period. I'm sure Ducks fans would agree, this has been the dullest series in many, many moons. Moreover, the Wild look like the worst team in the playoffs. So, at least we've got that going for us.

The worst part about this is that I'm getting comments from Ducks fans saying stuff like, "Nice prediction, bud." Yeah, Ducks fans are calling me "Bud." Humiliating.

Wild Stanley Cup parade set for June 10!

Tonight at 9:30pm, we will begin to see the dismantling of the Anaheim Mighty Ducks. That's right, even though the so-called "experts" are picking the Ducks to win the series, I think we'll see the Wild dominate from start to finish. Why? Let's start with the intangibles:

Moral Character and Integrity:

The Ducks are cheaters. Just last week the Ducks' leading scorer, Teemu Selanne, was penalized for using an illegal stick. Apparently, the blade of the stick was as wide as a goalie stick. If you don't know, that's pretty wide. (Selanne then went on miss his shootout chance with a regulation stick.) Those Finns are always trying to get the upper-hand! This is the perfect mindfuck for Selanne right before the playoffs, I predict he won't be nearly as effective using a legal stick.

Speaking of cheaters, I think we all remember why Ducks' all-world defenseman, Chris Pronger, is playing in Anaheim this year. Last season, Pronger helped the Edmonton Oilers all the way to the Stanley Cup Finals. Oilers lost and Pronger suddenly wanted out of Edmonton. Word on the sunny streets of Edmonton was that Pronger cheated on his wife and knocked up a local tv anchorwoman. So his wife wanted to get the hell out of there. It could also be that living in Edmonton kind of sucks and his wife wanted live in LA. You can decide for yourself.

The Wild on the other hand, they have a good moral compass. Well, except for that time Boogaard got arrested for punching some guy in a bar last summer. But still, you're not a cheater for getting in a bar fight. Right? Also, Little PMB is probably going to win the Lady Byng.

Advantage: Wild - Everyone knows cheaters never win.

Goaltending

Nobody is worried about the Wild in this department. Nick Backstrom led the NHL in all sorts of goalie stat categories. He should be solid in the playoffs.

Anaheim, though, should be worried. Number one goalie, Johnny Giguere, just had his first kid and took some time off last week. I'm told fatherhood turns you into a little bit of a pussy. No doubt, his mental focus will be lacking. (UPDATE: Johnny's new kid is sick, so let's not be too hard on the guy. Word is he won't start game 1.) Backup goalie, Ilya Bryzgalov, played in a number of playoff games last season. His last game was brutal, though. He gave up 3 goals in 2 minutes against the Oilers and was yanked. Here's a great reenactment. (Seriously, this is great. Click it. "Closing the door, not pissing pants. Closing the door...oh no.")

Advantage: Wild

Tough Guys

The experts keep talking about how tough and physical the Ducks are. If I remember correctly, the last time anyone from the Ducks scrapped with Boogaard, the Ducks guy literally had his face broken, didn't play another game for the Ducks, was traded to Philly only to be knocked out again weeks later, and now may never play in the NHL again. Of course, I'm talking about Todd Fedoruk, watch Boogaard break his head here. Can we stop talking about how tough the Ducks are now? Please? Boogaard patrols the ice for the Wild.

Advantage: Wild

Playoff Beards

It'll be interesting to see how this category plays out. For example, how will Brian Rolston incorporate his soulpatch into the playoff beard? Can Little PMB even grow a beard? And what about Marian Gaborik's chin/neck hair, does that count? All good questions. I'll be monitoring.

For Ducks, they've got some Greek guy with a great 70's mustache. Top-notch defender, Scott Niedermayer, always grows a nice playoff beard.

Advantage: Push

Prediction

After crunching the numbers and researching for hours, it's clear to me now:

Wild win in 5.