Brent Burns Still Sitting in LA Penalty Box

The Wilds completed their first West Coast Road Show, going 2-0-1. They got wins against Phoenix and the Mighty Ducks and lost in a shootout against LA. Not a bad week...

Wilds Notables:

Wilds super-Finn goalie, Nik Backstrom, got worked in the shootout, getting scored on 3 straight times. Mike Russo tells us his shootout save percentage is lousy at .433. Ish.

Marion Gaborik (I challenge you to find a better picture of him!) finally scored a goal.

Brent Burns took 5 penalties against the Kings on Tuesday night. My lady-wife was shaming him from the couch, "Bad Burnsie!!! Bad, Bad, Bad!! Sit, Burnsie! No! Stay, Burnsie!!!" Jacques might have to rub his nose in it if Brent "Slobbery Frat Boy" Burns is going to learn to stay out of the box.

Speaking of staying out of the box (not that box, you pervs), the Wilds took 17 penalties in 2 games. If you're not sure, that's a lot of penalties. Luckily the penalty kill was nice!!! What wasn't nice?? The powerplay was really not nice. In fact, the Wilds powerplay is ranked 29th out of 30 teams. The Wilds have a paltry 4.5% conversion rate on the powerplay. Who's ahead of us? Atlanta with a blistering 7.7%. Yes, I'm talking about the Thrashers, the team without a win and who just fired their coach. So guys, how 'bout getting the powerplay together?? Jeezus.

(Sidenote: At one point during the broadcast on Tuesday, color commentator Mike Greenlay actually said: "They really need to get their PP going." Read that aloud to yourself a couple times.)

Finally, word on the street is that Jacques, miffed about all the penalties, is showing the above video in team meetings this week. If I'm not mistaken, this is the instructional video NHL Chief Doosh, Bettman, put out for the refs a couple years ago. That, or it's Brent "Slobbery Frat Boy" Burns playing with his toys again. You decide.

Reason Number 349 to Hate the Mighty Ducks

Corey Perry fights with his visor and helmet on. (Yes, this is the same Corey Perry whose ass was kicked by Brent "Slobbery Fratboy" Burns in last year's playoffs.) Watch Dallas Drake unsnap his chinstrap as Perry just punches him in the face without even thinking about taking off his helmet. Everyone knows that if you wear a visor and you fight, you take off your helmet. It's just the rule. How in the hell is Drake going to land any good punches with that fucking visor on??? This is why Don Cherry hates visors. Because the guys that wear them are generally pussies. You heard it here, Corey Perry is a doosh.

Brent Burns fights when you tell him to fight and not a moment sooner

Above, please fondly remember the highlight of the 2007 NHL Playoffs: a boyish Brent Burns repeatedly punching a Mighty Ducks d-bag in the face. This season, Burns is the Wild's great hope on the blueline since Keith Carney is bound to have a hip replacement surgery (or two) sometime in the next 6 months. Burns also has a habit of showing up in my wife's dreams, along with Brian Rolston. She describes him as a "slobbering frat boy," which I guess is a compliment. Right?

Anyway thanks to a great feature from Wild beatwriter, Mike Russo, we learn that Brent Burns was actually a little bit of a pussy before he beat up Chris Kunitz in the clip above. Also, his dad, mom, and pretty much all his pals back in Ajax, Ontario thought he was being kind of a pussy too. From Russo's story:

"For years, Burns' father told him it was time to fight. Burns' buddies back home always made fun of him for not dropping his gloves."

(Coincidentally, this is straight from the movie "Youngblood" where Rob Lowe plays this prima donna who won't fight and doesn't get any respect from his teammates, coach, or even his dad. So Youngblood's dad has to teach him to fight and then he fights the goon, Carl Racki, after he scores the game winner on a penalty shot. So, it's a pretty complex plot.)

Back to Brent Burns. After he fights Kunitz, Burns decides that he probably better fight Corey Perry two games later, just for good measure. You can see that fight here. So, everyone is thinking, "Wow. What's gotten into Burns? He's a tough guy now?" But as it turns out, Burns only fought Perry because some guy in the stands told him to. From Russo:

"I only dropped the gloves because a guy in the second row yelled, 'Fight him! Fight him!" Burns said.

Well that's good to hear. Because whenever I'm at a game it doesn't seem like the players are listening to me. (Like when I yelled at Ozzie Guillen that he was a doosh as he was walking to the dugout. Amazingly, he didn't even acknowledge me.) But rest assured, Brent Burns is listening! And even better, he'll actually do what you tell him. So I hope all Wild fans will make a point of yelling, "Fight him!!! Fight him!!" whenever he's on the ice this season.

"I should have done this my first year. It took me four years to drop my purse." Burns said.

I don't really understand what that means, but I like it a whole lot.

UPDATE: Rolston to continue bedroom visits with Brent Burns in tow

Last week, my wife had a dream about Brian Rolston. Today at 2:27pm I get this email:

Subject: rolston

wikipedia says he's divorced!!!

Later, I get this email:

Subject: brent burns

brent burns is my new favorite. i'm going to have a dream about him, but it'll be a lot less refined than the dream about rolston. i mean, burns is a boy, rolston is a man. it'll be a slobbery frat boy flashback type dream.

Ummm...should I be worried about this? She's clearly way too excited about the fact that Rolston is divorced. Let's keep in mind that we've only been married about 8 months. (Is it too soon for marital strife?) At first it was funny, but isn't this taking it a little far? "Slobbery frat boy flashback type dream..." What is that supposed to mean?!? (Does "flashback" imply that she's had "slobbery frat boy" encounters in the past? Who is this woman???)