Wednesday, April 25, 2007

UPDATE: Rolston to continue bedroom visits with Brent Burns in tow

Last week, my wife had a dream about Brian Rolston. Today at 2:27pm I get this email:

Subject: rolston

wikipedia says he's divorced!!!

Later, I get this email:

Subject: brent burns

brent burns is my new favorite. i'm going to have a dream about him, but it'll be a lot less refined than the dream about rolston. i mean, burns is a boy, rolston is a man. it'll be a slobbery frat boy flashback type dream.
Ummm...should I be worried about this? She's clearly way too excited about the fact that Rolston is divorced. Let's keep in mind that we've only been married about 8 months. (Is it too soon for marital strife?) At first it was funny, but isn't this taking it a little far? "Slobbery frat boy flashback type dream..." What is that supposed to mean?!? (Does "flashback" imply that she's had "slobbery frat boy" encounters in the past? Who is this woman???)

Recap: Original Mighty Ducks scratched in Game 5; Wild lose to real NHL players

Game 5 is long over now. The Wild were thoroughly handled by the Ducks again. The one thing I can't get over is how boring it is to watch the Ducks play. With the exception of Ryan Getzlaf, Andy MacDonald, and Teemu this team is a bore. If I see Chris Pronger score one more power play goal, I might throw up all over myself.

Despite the quick exit, we did learn a few things about the Wild and the NHL:

2. Scoring goals will help you win playoff games. Scoring power play goals is also important. Wild power play % - 7.4 (ranked 14 out of 16 playoff teams). Anaheim power play % - 26.3 (ranked 1 out of 16). Interesting. Maybe we should work on the power play during the offseason.

3. This will get you a 3 game suspension. This will get you a 5 game suspension. This is the movie Slapshot (a must see if you are to understand the NHL's new marketing campaign). Readers, behold, the new NHL.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Brian Rolston paid a visit to my bedroom and I didn't even get an autograph

This morning I wake up and my wife rolls over and says, "Oh, I had the weirdest dream last night!" She's sort of giggly and smilely while she says this, so immediately I'm wondering what the hell she's going to tell me. Then she says with an even bigger smile, "I dreamt I was making out with Brian Rolston!!" She's clearly very excited about this. I ask her what "making out" means. She says, "You know, making out! Just a little fun. It was nothing serious."

Nothing serious? A little FUN??? What does that even mean? She's fantasizing about an actual person! It's not as if she's having a dream about some nameless, faceless dude. (Although that makes me wonder, is it worse if the dude is nameless and faceless because that implies some kind of unfillable void in your relationship? Or is it worse if it's an actual human because then there's an actual possibility of it happening? And if the latter is worse, should I be constantly worried about this? For example, when my wife says she's going to "run an errand," what kind of errand is she running??) If it's going to be a real person, I'd much rather it be a professional hockey player as opposed to, say, some guy I work with. That would just be creepy and awful.

Generally, it's not a good sign if your wife is having dreams or fantasies about other men...I'm told. But in this case, I wonder if it's a good omen, it being game day and all. I mean if my wife's dream about "making out" with Brian Rolston helps the Wild win tonight, I'm all for it. Plus, if she's going to "make out" with someone on the Wild it might as well be Rolston - solid player, nice enough guy, etc. If she fantasized about the following guys, I'd be pissed/worried:

  • Little PMB - He looks like he's 13. That would just be weird.

  • Pavol Demitra - He's got that unusual Eastern Euro thing going on and I find it a bit disconcerting. A guy like that should never be in your wife's dreams.

  • Boogaard - I think it's obvious why. I'm pretty sure Boogaard would put me to shame...that's all I'm going to say.

  • Marian Gaborik - You'll have to click the link to see what I'm talking about. Seriously.
I'm not really sure how to wrap this up. It's sorta weird my wife has a thing for Rolston, but it's also sorta awesome. I think he gets two tonight in a Wild victory. But if she asks me to grow a soul patch, I'll know this whole thing has gone a bit too far.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Wild win; postpone inevitable until Thursday

Wow. That game was almost too fun to watch, if that's possible. After getting thoroughly handled for 3 straight games, the Wild stormed back and put the jackhammer on the Mighty Ducks in a 4-1 win. About halfway through the third, I was convinced Anaheim was just going to stop playing and give up - something about ruffled feathers....

There were so many fantastic things happening in this game, I'll just give you a few choice highlights:

Newsflash! Brad May is Still a Dick - (Yep, I meant to say dick not duck.) Brad May, chief Ducks douchebag, sucker-punched Kim Johnsson, knocking him out. Let's keep in mind that, according to, Johnsson has never been in an NHL fight. So, three cheers for Brad May!!! He knocked out a defenseless Swede. And former North Stars coach, Glen Sonmor, had just finished telling us that the Swedes are a bunch of pussies! Oh, Brad, please read the blog more often.

No one should be surprised by his actions, though. He was at the center of the Todd Bertuzzi incident in 2003. At the time, Brad actually told the press there was a bounty on Steve Moore's head, all but assuring there would be retaliation for Moore's hit on Markus Naslund in an earlier game. Interestingly, Brad didn't want to comment about the sucker-punch after the game. Brad May is one classy guy, what else can you say? (You guys know that when I write classy I mean douchebag, right?)

Brent Burns Probably Wants to Fight You - After scrapping for the first time just a few nights ago, Burns was at it again last night. This time the victim was Corey Perry. Check it out here. What's hard to see in the video is that afterward Burns was so clearly excited, almost giddy, about fighting for the second time in his career. He had a grin on his face all the way to penalty box. The guy is like a big, dumb puppy. When he got out of the box, I thought I saw Jacques pat him on on the head and say, "Who's a good boy?!? GOOD BOY!!!" If Burns had a tail, it would be endlessly wagging.

Mighty Ducks Looking for New Strategy; Flying V an Option - Even if it was just for one night, the Wild made the Mighty Ducks look soft and uncertain. We'll see how tomorrow's game turns out. One thing is for sure, the Mighty Ducks do not want to come back to St. Paul for game 6 - not after what happened last night.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Stanley Cup parade likely postponed; Unused ticker tape to be burned in a heap at center ice

Hmmm. What to say.... Ah. Fuh - eh. Well, ... uh. Sigh.

That about sums it up. The Wild are down 3 - 0 to the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim. It's a sad day in St. Paul and it won't get much better come Tuesday, either. Last night, the Ducks put the old Double Underhook Suplex move on the Wild in a 2-1 win (see pic at left). The game was fun to watch for about 7 minutes in the second period. I'm sure Ducks fans would agree, this has been the dullest series in many, many moons. Moreover, the Wild look like the worst team in the playoffs. So, at least we've got that going for us.

The worst part about this is that I'm getting comments from Ducks fans saying stuff like, "Nice prediction, bud." Yeah, Ducks fans are calling me "Bud." Humiliating.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Wild Stanley Cup parade set for June 10!

Tonight at 9:30pm, we will begin to see the dismantling of the Anaheim Mighty Ducks. That's right, even though the so-called "experts" are picking the Ducks to win the series, I think we'll see the Wild dominate from start to finish. Why? Let's start with the intangibles:

Moral Character and Integrity:

The Ducks are cheaters. Just last week the Ducks' leading scorer, Teemu Selanne, was penalized for using an illegal stick. Apparently, the blade of the stick was as wide as a goalie stick. If you don't know, that's pretty wide. (Selanne then went on miss his shootout chance with a regulation stick.) Those Finns are always trying to get the upper-hand! This is the perfect mindfuck for Selanne right before the playoffs, I predict he won't be nearly as effective using a legal stick.

Speaking of cheaters, I think we all remember why Ducks' all-world defenseman, Chris Pronger, is playing in Anaheim this year. Last season, Pronger helped the Edmonton Oilers all the way to the Stanley Cup Finals. Oilers lost and Pronger suddenly wanted out of Edmonton. Word on the sunny streets of Edmonton was that Pronger cheated on his wife and knocked up a local tv anchorwoman. So his wife wanted to get the hell out of there. It could also be that living in Edmonton kind of sucks and his wife wanted live in LA. You can decide for yourself.

The Wild on the other hand, they have a good moral compass. Well, except for that time Boogaard got arrested for punching some guy in a bar last summer. But still, you're not a cheater for getting in a bar fight. Right? Also, Little PMB is probably going to win the Lady Byng.

Advantage: Wild - Everyone knows cheaters never win.


Nobody is worried about the Wild in this department. Nick Backstrom led the NHL in all sorts of goalie stat categories. He should be solid in the playoffs.

Anaheim, though, should be worried. Number one goalie, Johnny Giguere, just had his first kid and took some time off last week. I'm told fatherhood turns you into a little bit of a pussy. No doubt, his mental focus will be lacking. (UPDATE: Johnny's new kid is sick, so let's not be too hard on the guy. Word is he won't start game 1.) Backup goalie, Ilya Bryzgalov, played in a number of playoff games last season. His last game was brutal, though. He gave up 3 goals in 2 minutes against the Oilers and was yanked. Here's a great reenactment. (Seriously, this is great. Click it. "Closing the door, not pissing pants. Closing the door...oh no.")

Advantage: Wild

Tough Guys

The experts keep talking about how tough and physical the Ducks are. If I remember correctly, the last time anyone from the Ducks scrapped with Boogaard, the Ducks guy literally had his face broken, didn't play another game for the Ducks, was traded to Philly only to be knocked out again weeks later, and now may never play in the NHL again. Of course, I'm talking about Todd Fedoruk, watch Boogaard break his head here. Can we stop talking about how tough the Ducks are now? Please? Boogaard patrols the ice for the Wild.

Advantage: Wild

Playoff Beards

It'll be interesting to see how this category plays out. For example, how will Brian Rolston incorporate his soulpatch into the playoff beard? Can Little PMB even grow a beard? And what about Marian Gaborik's chin/neck hair, does that count? All good questions. I'll be monitoring.

For Ducks, they've got some Greek guy with a great 70's mustache. Top-notch defender, Scott Niedermayer, always grows a nice playoff beard.

Advantage: Push


After crunching the numbers and researching for hours, it's clear to me now:

Wild win in 5.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Casual Hockey does radio: Dark Star, Bloggers, and Glen Sonmor

Peoples! It seems Casual Hockey is catching on with the rest of the world! As, no doubt, many of you heard last night , I was interviewed on Dark Star's Sports Night radio show on WCCO 830. I was on with an Anaheim Ducks blogger, Finny, who writes "Girl with a Puck". The idea was that Finny and I would have a friendly debate about Wild's first-round playoff matchup with Anaheim. (The "debate" was moderated by Dark Star. Listen, don't ask me why he calls himself that. My guess is he really really likes the Grateful Dead).

This is how Dark Star introduced the segment: "Ok, I've got the bloggers with me!" I'm sure listeners were thrilled when they heard that. I would have preferred this, "Ok, I've got a couple random people who write about their respective hockey clubs on the internets...." The best part about his opening line is that our segment was following Dark Star's interview with Glen Sonmor, former North Stars coach. So, one minute listeners are hearing a Minnesota hockey legend/expert discussing the great players of the 1966-67 Toronto Maple Leafs and the next they're hearing a couple of "bloggers" dissect the Wild playoff matchup. This is why sportsradio is the best.

Sidenote: I'm not actually certain why Sonmor was talking about the '66 Leafs. I'm pretty sure he was on the air to talk about the Wild. I think he's just getting old and all the years and teams sort of blend together. He started off talking about the Wild, but somehow he finished with the Leafs. Also, he basically said that the Swedes in the 1960's were a bunch of pussies. That's why I can't wait to be an old man. You can say stuff like that and it's hilarious.

In any case, on to the debate. Dark Star was immediately enamored with Finny's voice, presumably because she's a woman and there aren't a lot of women on that show. (He also asked her if she had any pictures of herself on the blog. Hey, I don't judge, I just report the facts.) Apparently, my radio voice isn't as sexy because I received no creepy compliments from Dark Star - so that's too bad. Anyway, I was at a disadvantage from the start.

Finny and I exchanged a few jabs. I predicted the Wild would win the series in 5 games. (I'll give you more specifics on my prediction and comments on the show in the next post.) Finny was much more diplomatic saying the teams were evenly matched. In the end, Dark Star claimed Finny was the winner of the debate. Obviously, I take issue with that. He clearly had a thing for her and didn't want to be rude to the out of town guest. So, Finny, that's "Minnesota Nice" for you!

Anyway, I was hoping at worst I'd get a free t-shirt for being on the show and at best I'd get playoff tickets. Not sure why I thought that, but I was really disappointed when the segment ended and my phone line went dead and I got nothing. That was it. To make it worse, they didn't even plug the blog! Eeeeeesh. I need to write up a contract or something. But now that I've got radio experience, sky's the limit. Casual Hockey, coming to a TV near you! Probably.

Friday, April 6, 2007

Club hockey is the best hockey

Because I'm not about to discuss last night's Frozen Four semifinal, a game North Dakota would have, should have won if not for head ref Matt Shegos and his whistle happy shit. But I will speak no more of that game here. I'd rather talk about University of Kentucky Hockey. Now this is a team I can get behind. Kentucky is not a D-I team, it's not even a D-III team. It's a Division II Club team (i.e. not a even D-I club team). Club hockey means that most of the players are pretty bad and they drink a lot of beer, etc. I think we can imagine what club hockey in Kentucky is like. However, it seems the UK team has something special going on.

You can see in the pic above, that's Tara Conner, last year's Miss USA. (Although, I think she was reprimanded by Donnie Trump for being drunk and slutty.) In any case, she's wearing her tiara (note: her tiara is not unlike the one Little PMB would get for winning the Lady Byng Trophy...I'm told.). She's also wearing a hockey jersey minus her pants - I'm a big fan of this look. Honestly, who isn't?

The big question here is how in the hell the Kentucky club hockey team managed to get Miss USA on their poster. If you look closely at the poster, you'll see that this is a team whose home games start at midnight. My guess is that their big rivalry game is against Tennessee. Remember this is hockey, not basketball or football. I'm sure there's nothing quite like the Kentucky/Tennessee club hockey midnight. Seriously, I'm certain there's nothing like it - anywhere.

But the question remains, how is Miss USA on this poster? Is she just a really big fan of Kentucky club hockey? As it turns out, lots of hot girls are really big fans of UK club hockey, (particularly Ashley Judd in 1998-99!). This is just one reason why hockey is great.

So, way to go Kentucky club hockey! You obviously know how to market your team and your women, even if you don't know how to skate or shoot or the rules of the game in general. Oh and also, Matt Shegos you can suck it, you ruined my week.

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

Wild decide to start trying

WILD UPDATE: The Wild finally got a win last night, beating Edmonton 3-0. To be honest, they looked pretty bad in the first period. Of course, a couple scraps got the crowd on their feet. Boogaard squared off with Zach Stortini, who incidentally has got to be one of the biggest, dumbest, ugliest goons in the NHL. That guy wanted to fight everyone on the ice last night. Check out the fight below. (It never ceases to amaze me how you can find just about every fight in the NHL from the night before on YOUTUBE.)

This fight was particularly good because it looked like a couple of giant meatheads dancing around on the ice making out. After the fight, even Boogaard said, "I thought he was trying to kiss me." Also, note the classy move by Stortini at the end trying to grab Boogaard's leg in desperation.

Playoff Preview to come this weekend.