While I'm Gone...

Check these guys out. The 2 Man Advantage. Its the best show not on TV, if that makes any sense. It should keep you busy until I get back next week. I don't know why Versus hasn't picked up this show!! If you only have 45 seconds to spare, I highly recommend this clip. Or this one.

WILDS UPDATE: You probably don't know this, but Sidney Crosby plays the Wilds tonight. Thursday, it's the Blues and Saturday the Flamers. Let's just hope for a win. And here's to hoping the groins stay clean and healthy. Ish.

Honey, Come Over Here and Pull My Groin Again, Would Ya?

If you placed a bet before the season started that Marion Gaborik wouldn't make it 10 games without injuring his (very valuable) groin muscle, you would have been...wrong. He made it through the 10th game, but not the 11th. Oh and Pavol Demitra and Nik Backstrom have groin problems, too. Yikes! Take it easy on the old butterfly stretch, fellas (is that Wes Walz???)!

Unfortunately, that's pretty much our 3 best players. So who's groin will be next to go? Take the poll to the right. (My pick is Keith Carney. After the hip replacement during the offseason, you gotta think the groin is the next thing to go.)

WILDS UPDATE: A loss in the Sunshine State. The Wilds slogged through a 3-1 loss to the Avs. To stay it was uninspiring would be about right. Let's hope Cal Clusterfuck, er Fluttercluck, or whatever can provide a spark against the Pens on Tuesday.

Keegan's Pub: Not a hockey bar, apparently

Well, I tried to find the crappiest home-video footage of last night's shootout loss to the Oilers AND I succeeded. Enjoy! If you can even stand to watch the entire 1 minute and 5 seconds of this shitty video, you'll (kind of) see the garbage goal Alex Hemsky scored to win the game. Ish.

The shootout loss for the Wilds brings their record to, a still decent, 7-1-2. (Hey Keegan's Pub, you get that??? 7-1-2 not 7-0-1-2! I went to trivia last night and one of the questions was "What is the Wild's record in the StarTribune this morning?" Like I don't know that! The trivia guru tried to tell me the Wild record was 7-0-1-1 or some shit. Umm that's wrong - that's prelockout recordkeeping. The NHL goes by Win, Loss, & Shootout Loss. Honestly. Don't ask the question if you don't know fucking answer!)

Next Up: The Wilds travel to beautiful Denver. I guess the World Series is there or something - some team called the Red Sox is playing...

The Wilds hope Edmonton fans can keep the tears to a minimum tonight

Let's just address this right off, that's not Jesus Christ. That's a picture Ryan Smyth dressed up like Jesus Christ. Why? Wait, let's back up, who the fuck is Ryan Smyth??? Good question. If you're not a hockey fan or from Canada, you don't know him. Ryan Smyth used to be an Edmonton Oiler. He was the captain. He was the heart and soul of Edmonton for many, many years. It didn't matter that he was ugly and goofy in that backwoods sorta way, (or that he had a lot of cold sores on his face). The Oilers fans loved him.

Well, Oilers fans were reminded that hockey is a business when the Oilers traded him hours before the trade deadline expired, last season. (Maybe they forgot about Wayne Gretzky leaving for LA, I don't know.) You could hear the cries of pain and sorrow from Dallas to Nashville (ok, not really since those cities could give a shit about Ryan Smyth, but you get the idea). Anyway, Smyth finished the season playing for the Islanders and the Oilers languished and generally sucked for the remainder of the year. After the season, Smyth, a free agent, signed a contract with the Colorado Avalanche, who happen to be in the same division as the Oilers. Basically, it was high drama and one big cosmic mindfuck on Oilers fans who, coincidentally, will see a lot more of Ryan Smyth now that he plays for the Avs.

What's the point? Well, Oilers fans are still crying about losing Ryan Smyth. He recently made his first appearance in Edmonton since being traded and it opened up all sorts of old, rotting wounds. Apparently, he's some kind of big deal up there still. They call him "Captain Canada" or something. They superimpose his face on our Lord and Savior (also, they do bad charcoal sketches). They even write sonnets about him. Here's an excerpt:

"Baptismal fonts flow with oil refined,
And so, with oil, is Smyth's rebirth entwined."

--From Sonnet #94 (That's Smyth's number. Clever, eh?)

To tell you the truth, it's all a little embarrassing. I mean, I don't remember getting all emotional when the Wild traded away Pascal Dupuis or Manny Fernandez or worse, Todd White. I mean honestly Oilers fans have some self-respect. This is hockey. Toughen up. Are you really going to cry about it every time Ryan Smyth shows up to play some ice hockey??? (More importantly, is Ryan Smyth going to cry about it every time he shows up to play some ice hockey? Jeezus.)

Anyway, the Wilds play the Oilers tonight. Hopefully, everyone in Edmonton can keep it together. Go to Battle of Alberta to see for yourself just how much Edmonton misses Ryan Smyth.

WILDS UPDATE: Holy crap. The buzzsaw that was the Calgary Flames last night. Jeez. I turned on the game and we had a comfortable 3 goal lead in the second. Final score, 5-3 Flames. Ish. Jerome Iginla. I kill you.

Wilds Roll Call: Bienvenue Eric Belanger!

A couple weeks ago, I posted about fresh-faced rookie James Sheppard, whose mommy brought his winter boots all the way from Halifax. Jimmy's had some playing time since then, but has yet to notch his first goal. Because he's just a little baby I'll cut him some slack.

One new face I haven't talked about yet is Mr. Eric Belanger. Eric is from that little known North American country, French Canadia. Or, as Wikipedia says, "a major Canadian hockey centre," whatever that means. The Wilds picked up Belanger (that's Bee-laaan-Jerr if you're from Northern Minnesota or Buh-lawn-jay if you're from French Canadia) in a trade during the offseason. He wears a visor like all other French Canadians (that's what Don Cherry says anyway and Don Cherry is a very smart man), eats poutine, wears a checkered red and black flannel woodsman shirt when he's not playing hockey, and probably dips his fries in mayo (when they're not slathered in gravy and cheese curds of course).

That said, he's a pretty awesome ice hockey player! He's got 7 points in 8 games and is a nifty plus 9. He's been the best player on the ice for the Wilds in a number of games this year and has scored some big goals (2 of them game winners). So, please. Don't tease about about the French Canadia stuff. He's just a good old-fashioned ice hockey player. Nothing more, nothing less.

(About that picture: I can't be 100% sure that's him on the right, but I really, really want it to be. In any case, I know that guy's name is Eric Belanger. I mean, how many Eric Belanger's can there be?? Unfortunately the website was written in French Canadian, so...)

WILDS REPORT: Next up, the Calgary Flamers, tonight at the Saddledome - it's amazing that place is still around. Pavol Demitra is injured, some young kid named Cal Clutterbuck (not kidding) is filling in for him, Gaborik needs to score another goal, and Boogaard needs to throw a couple punches. All this solid defense and great goaltending is getting old. Hopefully, Jacques will loosen things up a bit tonight. Check out the Battle of Alberta for all things Flaming.

Brent Burns Still Sitting in LA Penalty Box

The Wilds completed their first West Coast Road Show, going 2-0-1. They got wins against Phoenix and the Mighty Ducks and lost in a shootout against LA. Not a bad week...

Wilds Notables:

Wilds super-Finn goalie, Nik Backstrom, got worked in the shootout, getting scored on 3 straight times. Mike Russo tells us his shootout save percentage is lousy at .433. Ish.

Marion Gaborik (I challenge you to find a better picture of him!) finally scored a goal.

Brent Burns took 5 penalties against the Kings on Tuesday night. My lady-wife was shaming him from the couch, "Bad Burnsie!!! Bad, Bad, Bad!! Sit, Burnsie! No! Stay, Burnsie!!!" Jacques might have to rub his nose in it if Brent "Slobbery Frat Boy" Burns is going to learn to stay out of the box.

Speaking of staying out of the box (not that box, you pervs), the Wilds took 17 penalties in 2 games. If you're not sure, that's a lot of penalties. Luckily the penalty kill was nice!!! What wasn't nice?? The powerplay was really not nice. In fact, the Wilds powerplay is ranked 29th out of 30 teams. The Wilds have a paltry 4.5% conversion rate on the powerplay. Who's ahead of us? Atlanta with a blistering 7.7%. Yes, I'm talking about the Thrashers, the team without a win and who just fired their coach. So guys, how 'bout getting the powerplay together?? Jeezus.

(Sidenote: At one point during the broadcast on Tuesday, color commentator Mike Greenlay actually said: "They really need to get their PP going." Read that aloud to yourself a couple times.)

Finally, word on the street is that Jacques, miffed about all the penalties, is showing the above video in team meetings this week. If I'm not mistaken, this is the instructional video NHL Chief Doosh, Bettman, put out for the refs a couple years ago. That, or it's Brent "Slobbery Frat Boy" Burns playing with his toys again. You decide.

James Sheppard's Winter Boots

Ahh, to be 19-year old Wilds rookie and rising star, James Sheppard. You just got a $85,000 check for signing your first NHL contract. (Oh and by the way, your first NHL contract is worth $2.29 million over 3 years.) You just played in your first NHL game. You didn't fall down coming out onto the ice. You didn't suck and you didn't get your ass kicked. In fact, you played pretty well. Life is GOOD.

But wait it gets better. Your mom flew to Minnesota all the way from Halifax, Nova Scotia (which is closer to Greenland than to St. Paul - I mean, probably) to watch your first NHL game. And because she's your mom, she packed up all the stuff you left in Nova Scotia because you were pretty sure you wouldn't make the team this year. She even packed your winter boots for you. In Mike Russo's StarTribune article, Mrs. Sheppard says:

"Try packing size-15 winter boots; it's quite the challenge."

This is why hockey is great. James Sheppard is making loads of money for a 19-year old kid. He could buy lots of stuff, including new winter boots. But, no. His mom insisted on bringing the winter boots. I can just hear it:

James Sheppard: Mom, I told you, you don't need to bring my winter boots. I can buy new ones!

James Sheppard's Mom: No, James. You're not going to waste your money on new winter boots when your old boots are perfectly fine!!

James Sheppard: But Mom, Keith Carney is going to --

James Sheppard's Mom: James, I won't hear another word about it! I'm bringing your winter boots.

In what other sport does this happen?

On another note, why does he even need winter boots? He's just going to be walking from the St. Paul Hotel to the Xcel or from the charter plane to the charter bus to the nice, downtown team hotel. Right? But that's why hockey's great. These guys (and their moms, apparently) never shake their blue collar, utilitarian, practical upbringing. I guess that's what happens when you grow up in Halifax or say, Regina. Seriously, say it: Regina. Ahahaahaha.

WILDS UPDATE: The Wilds are taking a West Coast roadtrip. Phoenix on Saturday. Mighty Ducks on Sunday (watch out Brad May - Bounty's on your head this time, D-bag). Kings on Tuesday. The big question: Will Marion Gaborik score a goal this season?