Tuesday, February 6, 2007

Lesson One?

Okay, I'm at work writing my first entry for my web log. This cannot be a good sign. I'm going to tell myself this is just a short break. I deserve breaks. Whether it's for coffee or writing in my new blog. (I believe Grantland Rice got his start this way. Can anyone confirm this?) This is a hockey blog. A hlog, if you will. I'll be helping the more casual fan understand the game in ways that are probably trivial and irrelevant, at best.

Amazing, I just did a google search for "hlog" and what comes up? Hlog - Hockey's Ladies of Greatness. A blog devoted to hockey from a lady's perspective. I wish I was kidding. Among the many fabulous posts this site offers is a "fantasy make-out session" with Evgeni Malkin, the highly-touted Penguins rookie. I couldn't possibly make this stuff up. This is great, here's a teaser:

"Now at ease and slightly hammered, you start to notice the kindness in his eyes, and not the underbite. You take a leisurely walk through the streets of picturesque Pittsburgh (again, this is a fantasy), with the translator a few steps behind...He finds you a nice park bench and together, you hardcore communicate in the international language until the translator tracks you down and busts you." Please read more...amazing.

"Hardcore communicate in the international language"???? Can I nominate that for the Pulitzer? And, seriously, what is the translator's role in all of this? Obviously, Evgeni needs to work on his english, but why write the translator into the makeout fantasy? Unless I missed some sort of threeway action, that would be the only reason you'd want the translator there. If you want to read the rest, please check out the link. No seriously, check it out. This will be a book someday, "The Best Hockey-Erotic Stories of 2007". I believe there's also a "fantasy make-out session" story featuring Sidney "Jailbait" Crosby (their words not mine), if you're into that sort of thing. Again, I couldn't make this stuff up.

A related sidenote (sort of): These women clearly love hockey players in an odd/obsessive sort of way. It reminds me of Miss McGill from the movie Youngblood, widely regarded as the best serious/dramatic hockey movie. If you haven't seen it, go rent it. (Although, Slapshot makes attempts at more serious drama in the middle of the movie as well...the plant closes down and Reggie's wife leaves him for good, and the team is going to fold, etc. It's all too serious. Doesn't work. We all just want to get back to Reg screaming, "She's a lesbian!!! I know! I know!!!"). In any case, Miss McGill runs a "boarding house" for new players in Hamilton, Ontario. Hmmm, how to say this...Miss McGill likes to seduce, then have sex with the new Mustangs' players. Actually, in the movie, this borders on sexual assault. Let's keep in mind that this movie and team is based on major juniors in Canada, so these players are as young as 15. I mean, Dean Youngblood (played by a constantly sweaty and young Rob Lowe) can't be older than 18. She's definitely a sexual predator. And it turns out that she's slept with most of the team, and ladies, this includes Patrick Swayze and Keanu Reeves. (Yes, they are also in the movie. I'm fairly certain this was Keanu's big break, he plays the French-Canadian goalie). Is this a bad thing? Probably not. It builds confidence. I mean, Miss McGill is like 57 and has giant knockers. How could that not be inspiring for a 16 year old kid? Case in point, look at Annie Savoy in Bull Durham. She's instrumental in Meat's ascendance to the Major Leagues.

Sidenote to a sidenote: There is no doubt in my mind that Bull Durham (1988) was inspired by Youngblood (1986). The basic plot is the same, but Bull Durham is obviously a better movie. I just want credit where it's due. That means you, Academy Awards! Bull Durham gets an Oscar and Youngblood gets nothing?? I protest. 21 years too late, but I protest nonetheless.

So anyway, these ladies and their hockey blogs and fantasy make-out sessions make me wonder. Are these ladies also preying on young junior players, in say, Omaha? Or Traverse City? Or even Bismarck? I like to think so. For those of you who are casual hockey fans and don't know, there are certain women who absolutely love hockey players. Not being a woman, I'm not sure what it is, but I'm not sure how you could love a face like this. Keep in mind, these ladies are mainly from Canada and the northern US. Not sure what they might look like and also afraid to say anymore...

I guess that concludes lesson one. I think the take home point here is that even though Miss McGill is kind of slutty, she really loves hockey. That's great. I think Don Cherry once said something like that. And same goes for the women writing the weird fantasies about NHL rookies. (The more I think about that, the weirder it is. Who writes that stuff? I'm intrigued.) They just love hockey (players?). I couldn't be happier about that.

2 comments:

Graham said...

Wally's a Killer!

Margee said...

I wrote this entry you are ripping on. It's not a part of HLOG, it's just linked. It's on my own blog, which is a tongue-in-cheek blog about fangirliness. It is intended for comedy. The fantasy is part of an ongoing thing poking fun at fanfic. It's not meant to be a serious. A lot of the girls on HLOG write seriously and intelligently on hockey and have nothing to do with my silly blog. You can say what you want, but I just wanted to clarify.