Little PMB lacks grit; may win roses, tiara

In my last post, I decided that if I had to hockey fight someone in the NHL it would be Little Pierre Marc Bouchard. Well, it turns out I picked the right guy because Little PMB is one of the top candidates for the Lady Byng Trophy! For those of you who don't know, the Lady Byng Trophy is awarded to the league's most sportsmanlike player. Generally it goes to a guy with the most points and fewest PIMs. (Sidenote: I'm not sure the Lady Byng is actually a trophy. I think at the NHL Awards Ceremony they just give the winner a bunch of roses and a tiara. I could be wrong about this.)

Now, I don't want to say it's given to the league's biggest pussy, but...well, Mike Russo, the Wild beat writer, basically said as much. Russo wrote, "Sometimes there's a negative connotation surrounding the Lady Byng Trophy because the stereotype is the hardware goes to a player who lacks, well, grit." (I believe I scooped Russo on this story. My thorough analysis of Little PMB's lack of gritty play was obviously the main source for his story.)

Little PMB confirmed his pussiness (that's a word, right?), saying, "I'm not going to get any PIM's for hitting too much. I'm not going to get called for elbowing or charging or hitting from behind." Yeah, I mean, why would he want to hit guys and stuff like that, he's just a hockey player.

Anyway, this story just confirms that I made the right choice in hockey fighting Little PMB. Actually, I think the NHL ought to change the criteria for the Lady Byng from "most gentlemanly conduct and outstanding skill" to simply "player the average guy would most willingly hockey fight."

I just want to reiterate that I would still probably get dominated by Little PMB in a hockey fight. So, Little PMB, if you're reading this - you win, I lose. No hard feelings, right? Oh and one more thing, nice effort last night in a 4-2 loss to Calgary.

Read IT: Mike Russo's Star Trib story on Little PMB

Who would YOU hockey fight?

Maybe you've had this conversation while watching a hockey game:

You: I HATE that guy! He's such a dirty little bitch! He's gonna get his ass kicked if he's not careful.

Wife/Ladyfriend/Partner (hey, we don't discriminate at Casual Hockey): Yeah, that guy is cheap. (Pause and silence. It's obvious she's thinking about something carefully. And then...) Do you think you could beat that guy in a fight?

My wife and I have had this talk no fewer than a dozen times. It's hard to say what the motive is behind this question. She could be asking an honest question, which implies she actually thinks I have a chance in hell fighting an NHL player. More likely, it's a backhanded attempt at calling me out for all my shit-talking, "You call that guy a little bitch, but he'd actually kill you in a hockey fight."

So, I try to put all sorts of conditions in on the fight, like, "If it was late in the game and the guy was at the end of a long shift, and he was blindfolded with one arm tied behind his back. Yeah. Then I could probably beat him in a fight." But generally, I'm pretty quick to say I'd get absolutely killed in a fight with a NHLer.

But that got me thinking. There have to be a few players in the league I could hang in there with. (Probably. I mean, right?).

Remember this is a hockey fight not a street fight. So that automatically gives me hope. In any case, this is the criteria you should use if you're interested in hockey fighting an NHLer:

1. He should be smaller than you. Reach and size are a big advantage in a hockey fight.



2. He should be European or French-Canadian. Look, I don't mean to offend, but I'm not going to fight some guy from Alberta who spent his summers loading grain trucks or something. Guys like that aren't soft. Guys from socialist Sweden are soft.
   
   
3. He should average less than 30 PIMs per season and preferably never been in a fight in the NHL. A player averaging less than 30 PIMs is a skilled guy and its safe to say never mixes it up. His penalties are probably due to tripping or holding or some shit like that.
   
   
4. Under no circumstances should you fight a defenseman. Defenseman are too tough and crafty. They know how to grind in the corners and battle in front of the net. They also know all of the dirtiest tricks in the book. Take Chris Chelios. Would I fight that guy even though he's almost 63? No way. I wouldn't even glance at him.

So after taking all those things into account, I came up with the list below. (Let's get this out of the way. I'm about 5'10" and a deuce. I'm not particularly tough and I have pretty short arms. How do you like my chances?)

Alexi Yashin (Honorable Mention) - I thought Yashin would be the perfect guy to fight because he's the quintessential lazy Russian offensive player. He's not a physical player and averages just over 30 PIMs a season. He doesn't like to play defense (he's a career -81). You watch him play and you just know he's soft. Plus, a lot of people regard him as a doooosh, which I agree with. Plus plus, he wears a turtleneck when he plays (see pic). This fact alone almost convinced me I could take him.

The problem is twofold. First, he's 6'3" and 220, a significant size advantage over me. Second, I'm certain he has ties to the Russian mafia. I just don't want to get involved in any action like that. And if he beat me in a fight, eveyone would say, "You lost to a guy that wears a turtleneck." Then they'd shake their heads and say, "Get out of my sight!" And if he happened to break his hand on my face the Russian mafia would NOT be happy. I'd probably be shot after getting my ass kicked by Alexi Yashin. So, as you can see, it's lose-lose with Yashin.

Kristian Huselius (Honorable Mention) - I also briefly considered this guy. He plays for the Calgary Flames and not Team McDonalds as the pic indicates. Mostly, I considered this guy because of the picture. That and he's a Swede and he has no chin. Just look at him. Someone ought to fight him. Right?

Sedin Twins (Honorable Mention) - Just watch this. Please.








"Little" Pierre-Marc Bouchard (WINNER!) - This was a tough choice as PMB plays for the Wild. And I like the way he plays. But after crunching the numbers, PMB was the only logical choice. Here's the thing. He fits all of my NHL hockey fighting criteria. He's listed at 5'10" and 170lbs, which means he's more like 5'8" and 150. I can handle that. He has averaged about 20 PIMs a season, so he's not an aggressive player. I highly doubt he's been in a fight ever. And he's French-Canadian, which means he probably wasn't loading grain trucks in Alberta as a kid. Also, if you look at his picture, he just looks like a nice little guy. My wife calls him "Little PMB" and obviously this inspires confidence in me.

So that's it. I would drop the gloves with PMB. (Does it count if I pull a Matt Cooke and turtle right away?)

You heard it here first that ex-Rangers goalie, Mike Richter, was considering running for US Congress. Unfortunately, Mike has decided not to run. This is a real shame for lots of reasons. Mostly, I'm disappointed because there was so much potential for hilarious comedy. I had my hopes set on Mike being sworn in wearing his goalie pads and Team USA uniform.

Read IT: Mike Richter drops the gloves with Congress

Mindfuck no match for Derek Boogaard

Andy Murray tried to stick Derek Boogaard in the mind after Thursday night's game. In the game, Boogaard dominated St. Louis tough guy, DJ King, in a third period scrap and propelled the Wild to a 5-1 victory. After the game, Murray questioned Boogaard's effectiveness:

"He never plays! The guy's got to be on the ice to have an effect and he has no effect on the game. He doesn't play! Boogaard wouldn't get into our heads! I wish they'd play Boogaard more. If they would play him more, we'd like that. Tell Derek I'm a fan of his. I want him to play more!" Read the whole story here.

St. Louis enforcer, DJ King, was less enthusiastic about Boogaard playing more, "Next time, Andy Murray can fight him." Later, Murray conceded there was that one time when Boogaard got into his team's head and that was when the toughest guy on the Blues was punched repeatedly in the face by Boogaard.

Boogaard seemed saddened by Murray's comments, but unfazed. "I can't play? I don't affect the game? I mean, you know, that's his opinion, I guess," he said with a pouty lip. A Wild staff member then led Boogaard away on a leash and put him back in his cage until the next game.

Sidenote: Also, in shocking news, Boogaard said he would like to see more fighting at the end of games.

Todd Fedoruk gets punched in the face...hard

Another NHL game, another guy knocked out and lying in a pool of his own blood (ok, there was no pool of blood). This time it was Todd Fedoruk of the Flyers. He and Rangers tough guy, Colton Orr, squared off in a heavyweight match-up that took place 20 seconds into the game. That seems awfully quick. Hmmmm.

In their last match-up, Orr and the Rangers felt Fedoruk "took liberties" with Rangers players when Orr was out of the lineup. (Sounds oddly sexual, I know.) You see, peoples, Colton Orr is a goon (Fedoruk is a goon, too). He commands respect when he's on the ice. He keeps the dirty, physical stuff to a minimum. When he's scratched or not playing, the other team's tough guy might take advantage of the situation. Otherwise known as "taking liberties" - are we getting it??

Isn't that why we have referees, you ask? Hey! What is this basketball??? The players "police themselves," which, in theory, actually leads to less fighting/pools of blood and more scoring (to paraphrase Dale Hunter, Marty McSorely, and Todd Bertuzzi). In any case, Orr decided that Fedoruk needed to be "held accountable" for his actions that night. Hence, the fight.

Don't worry, though. Todd was okay.

"I'm a little sore but I'm fine right now. I remember everything. I looked at him and he said, 'Let's go.' He knocked me out on the way down. When I got off the ice I woke up. I guess I got my bell rung.''

Well, he didn't remember everything. Rangers doc, Claude Macaluso said, "He is having some problems with short-term memory, but other than that he is great."

Yeah, and other than the fact that he can't remember his wife's name, what he ate for dinner, and how to tie his shoes, he's doing GREAT. Also, although he doesn't remember the team he plays for, he did seem to recognize the team colors and jersey logo. So the Flyers expect him to return soon.

Gary Bettman said he hadn't heard about the incident as he was busy working out the details of the league's new TV deal with the Food Network.

Just for a second, just to see how it feels

That's Hayden Panettiere. Apparently, she's one of the stars of the tv show "Heroes". More importantly, she's licking Lord Stanley's Cup. (That's obviously one of the finest sentences I've ever written.)

Just when you think Gary Bettman is irreversibly incompetent, he goes and does something like this. And totally redeems himself! Well, not totally. But that was a pretty good idea. I'll have to see the Cup involved in something a bit more pornographic before I forgive him for inking that Versus deal.

Thoughts about who you'd like to see licking Lord Stanley's Cup? This could get interesting...

Fighting Gary Bettman

The hockey news today is that Islander Chris "The Decapitator" Simon will not face criminal charges for his attack on Ryan Hollweg of the Rangers. If you didn't see it, check it out here. It's pretty fantastic.

Is it just me or does there seem to be a lot more cheap shots and old school fighting this year? Check out the clip below of Jordin Tootoo crushing Robidas of the Stars. Tootoo (yeah, that's his real name) was suspended 5 games for the action. My theory on all this is that Gary Bettman and the NHL are letting up on fighting because fans love it, it generates buzz (good or bad), and it sells tickets. Seriously, since the lockout there has been very little national media coverage of the NHL. Except when some goon tries to chop another guy's head off. The Chris Simon incident is the best example of this. That clip was shown everywhere. It's better publicity than no publicity at all. Right? Right, Gary??? You keep watching, we'll see more of this stuff next season.

Oh and enjoy watching this guy get knocked out dead cold. Eeeesh.