Little PMB, you better have a good explanation for this...

As my lady-wife and I watched Adam Foote blast a slapshot over Nick Backstrom's glove in last Saturday's Wilds game, she turned to me and asked, "How do hockey players pick their numbers?" Being an asute sports fan, she knows that in sports like football the numbers players can wear are dictated by the position they play. (For example, offensive and defensive lineman have to wear big numbers like 66 and 98 because it makes them look less fat. Think how ridiculous those 300 pounders would look in, say, number 5? They'd just look extra fat.) Hockey's not lame like that, so players can wear any number they choose.

I told her that, in hockey, number selection all depends on the situation. In my usual longwinded, know-it-all fashion I explained, "For instance, Gretzky wore 99 because his favorite number, 9, was taken when he started out in Juniors. Same with Ray Bourque. He gave up his fav number 7 to Phil Esposito and switched to 77. Some players have better reasons than others. Jaromir Jagr wears number 68 - in honor of the year 1968 when a bunch of political stuff happened in Czechland and the year of his grandfather's death. Others choose the year of their birth, like Sid Crosby number 87. Then you also have guys like Rick Nash who reverse their number. His fav number was 16, but it also was taken in Juniors. So he decided on 61, the number he wears today. See." (I pointed at Nash skating by.)

Without missing a beat, my lady-wife turned to me and said, "So Pierre Marc-Bouchard's favorite number is 69?" (She pointed at Little PMB skating by.)

I swear that is a true story.

Sidenote: Seriously, is "69" Little PMB's favorite number?? God, I hope so.

The Glory that is Pierre Marc-Bouchard

You probably remember how Little PMB got the shaft in last year's Lady Byng Trophy voting. You don't remember that? Weird. (Click here for a Casual Hockey refresher on the Lady Byng Trophy.) He came in 5th place behind Pavol Datsyuk, Martin St. Louis, Joe Sakic, and Jay Pandolfo. I just don't believe that Little PMB is less of a pussy than those guys. I mean just look at that adolescent face! Just a little baby!

In any case, it will thrill you all to know that, after 2 games, Little PMB is on pace for an astonishing 82 goals this season!!! Amazing! Wait, there's more. Little PMB already has 4 penalty minutes. That ties him for 3rd most on the team and only 3 PIMs fewer than Mr. Boogaard! Little PMB had only 14 penalty minutes in all of last season!! He's turning into a goddamn goon out there. Pretty soon, it's going to be Mr. Boogaard and his deputy, Little PMB, patrolling the ice. The rest of the NHL best be prepared! Little PMB probably isn't going to take your shit anymore, Chris Pronger.

Sidenote: By my calculations, Gaborik is on pace for umm...0 goals this season. So let's hope he turns it around real quick.

The Wilds Update: Strong start for Minnesota's favorite NHL team. The Wilds started the season with an amazingly dull 1-0 win against the Blackhawks. Although Boogaard did have a tough scrap with Hawks' goon, David Koci. Then the Wilds followed up with a nice win against the Columbus Blue Jackets, 3-2. (I have to say, Sergei Federov looked awfully old. Aahhh, the good old days...) Next up: The Oilers. Wednesday.

Little PMB lacks grit; may win roses, tiara

In my last post, I decided that if I had to hockey fight someone in the NHL it would be Little Pierre Marc Bouchard. Well, it turns out I picked the right guy because Little PMB is one of the top candidates for the Lady Byng Trophy! For those of you who don't know, the Lady Byng Trophy is awarded to the league's most sportsmanlike player. Generally it goes to a guy with the most points and fewest PIMs. (Sidenote: I'm not sure the Lady Byng is actually a trophy. I think at the NHL Awards Ceremony they just give the winner a bunch of roses and a tiara. I could be wrong about this.)

Now, I don't want to say it's given to the league's biggest pussy, but...well, Mike Russo, the Wild beat writer, basically said as much. Russo wrote, "Sometimes there's a negative connotation surrounding the Lady Byng Trophy because the stereotype is the hardware goes to a player who lacks, well, grit." (I believe I scooped Russo on this story. My thorough analysis of Little PMB's lack of gritty play was obviously the main source for his story.)

Little PMB confirmed his pussiness (that's a word, right?), saying, "I'm not going to get any PIM's for hitting too much. I'm not going to get called for elbowing or charging or hitting from behind." Yeah, I mean, why would he want to hit guys and stuff like that, he's just a hockey player.

Anyway, this story just confirms that I made the right choice in hockey fighting Little PMB. Actually, I think the NHL ought to change the criteria for the Lady Byng from "most gentlemanly conduct and outstanding skill" to simply "player the average guy would most willingly hockey fight."

I just want to reiterate that I would still probably get dominated by Little PMB in a hockey fight. So, Little PMB, if you're reading this - you win, I lose. No hard feelings, right? Oh and one more thing, nice effort last night in a 4-2 loss to Calgary.

Read IT: Mike Russo's Star Trib story on Little PMB