Mike Brown: Taking One for the Team

In the continuing saga of Mikko Koivu and the Attack of the Killer Swede, the always classy Vancouver Canucks (think Todd Bertuzzi, Brad May, Matt Cooke) called up minor league tough guy, Mike Brown, yesterday (that's him taking a shot to the ribs). The move is clearly in anticipation of the rematch with the Wilds on Wednesday night.

So who is this Mike Brown, you ask? He's the guy lucky enough to be thrown into the fire Wednesday night. Are the Wilds worried about Mike Brown? Umm, no. The thing is, Mike Brown has played in exactly 0 NHL games (although he has racked up a healthy number of penalty minutes playing for the Manitoba Moose). In a handful of preseason games with the Canucks, Mike has been involved in 4 fights. And his opponents aren't exactly impressive:

• Jeff Friesen - Really, Jeff Friesen? Everyone knows Friesen doesn't fight. According to HockeyFights.com, Friesen's had 1 NHL fight. But I guess you have to start somewhere, right?



• Matt Greene - Greene, the dooshy oaf D-man from the Oilers, is a step in the right direction. Kind of.



• Jean-Francois Jacques - Mike, you fought a guy named Jean-Francois Jacques? You're not getting a lot of street cred with that one. Just saying...



• Kent Huskins - I think we all remember Huskins from the playoffs last year. He dropped the gloves with Adam Hall and needed both Shawn Thornton and Brad May to help him out.

What's the point here? Well, Mike Brown is about to go from wrestling around on the ice with Kent Huskins to facing off against Mr. Derek Boogaard in his first NHL game. Is this the big opportunity he was hoping for? Probably not. I wonder how he'll sleep on Tuesday night. I think of him more as a sacrificial lamb, like a peace offering to the Wilds and Mr. Boogaard.

OTHER WILDS NEWS: This article by Scott Burnside of espn.com pretty much sums up the NHL and its lame suspension policy.

Pinky and Brain vs. Mr. Derek Boogaard

Last Friday night in Vancouver, the Wilds were thoroughly humiliated by the Canucks in a 6-2 loss. It was terrible and, apparently, physical. By now, you've all heard that Mikko Koivu was chopped down by Swedish thug, Mattias Ohlund. The video of the incident is above. But it's like I always say, you can never trust a Swede with a stick. Koivu, who is Finnish, presumably knows this. However, he made a grave mistake by turning his back on Ohlund after attempting to deliver a flying elbow. Then, WHACK!!! Ohlund laid the old two-hander on him. From the video we can see that Ohlund is no stranger to swinging an axe. I mean, that shit was straight out of the Great Outdoor Games (that's Ohlund in the middle under the alias Laurence O' Toole...I think). Perhaps, Ohlund didn't take the pre-game sauna to calm his nerves (also pictured: Naslund and those creepy twins). That was a mistake.

Unfortunately for Koivu and the Wilds, his fibula is cracked. So Mikko will be out at least one week. Ohlund was suspended for 4 games. The suspension seems fair. Of course, if Ohlund had actually amputated Koivu's left foot with the slash, I think the NHL would need to reevaluate its suspension criteria. Anyway, that means Ohlund won't be playing against the Wilds in St. Paul on Wednesday night, which I'm sure he's relieved about. Mr. Boogaard is already licking his chops.

In what is the funniest thing to come out of all this drama, Boogaard speculated to the Vancouver Sun that he might, "go out and slash Naslund or Pinky and the Brain twins". Hilarious. Wait? Who are Pinky and the Brain twins? Cartoon characters. Wikipedia says, "Pinky and Brain are genetically enhanced lab mice who reside in a cage in the Acme Labs research facility". Hmmm, that's not far off what Wikipedia says about the Sedin Twins - "Henrik and Daniel are genetically enhanced Swedish hockey players who reside in a cage in the Vancouver hockey arena, GM Place". Come to think of it, the resemblance is striking...Pinky and Brain - the Sedin Twins.

I really, really can't wait to see what happens on Wednesday night. Pinky and the Brain twins. Oh Derek, you kill me with your comedy!

Other Wilds News: Oh yeah, the Wilds beat up on Colorado yesterday afternoon, 4-1. Some guys named Matt Foy and Aaron Voros scored for the Wilds. Who the hell are these guys? Whatever. I like it.

The Glory that is Pierre Marc-Bouchard

You probably remember how Little PMB got the shaft in last year's Lady Byng Trophy voting. You don't remember that? Weird. (Click here for a Casual Hockey refresher on the Lady Byng Trophy.) He came in 5th place behind Pavol Datsyuk, Martin St. Louis, Joe Sakic, and Jay Pandolfo. I just don't believe that Little PMB is less of a pussy than those guys. I mean just look at that adolescent face! Just a little baby!

In any case, it will thrill you all to know that, after 2 games, Little PMB is on pace for an astonishing 82 goals this season!!! Amazing! Wait, there's more. Little PMB already has 4 penalty minutes. That ties him for 3rd most on the team and only 3 PIMs fewer than Mr. Boogaard! Little PMB had only 14 penalty minutes in all of last season!! He's turning into a goddamn goon out there. Pretty soon, it's going to be Mr. Boogaard and his deputy, Little PMB, patrolling the ice. The rest of the NHL best be prepared! Little PMB probably isn't going to take your shit anymore, Chris Pronger.

Sidenote: By my calculations, Gaborik is on pace for umm...0 goals this season. So let's hope he turns it around real quick.

The Wilds Update: Strong start for Minnesota's favorite NHL team. The Wilds started the season with an amazingly dull 1-0 win against the Blackhawks. Although Boogaard did have a tough scrap with Hawks' goon, David Koci. Then the Wilds followed up with a nice win against the Columbus Blue Jackets, 3-2. (I have to say, Sergei Federov looked awfully old. Aahhh, the good old days...) Next up: The Oilers. Wednesday.

NHL Executives...Still Sucking...

Maybe you didn't know this, but the NHL front office is full of geniuses. Let's highlight their brilliance since the lockout ended:

1. Versus - Remember the lockout, when there was no hockey for an entire year? And then, remember when the NHL told ESPN to suck it and put the games on the Versus channel so no one would watch? That didn't work out too good. On Versus, formerly the Outdoor Life Channel (OLN), programming is still dominated by duck hunters, triathletes, and Ted Nugent. And luckily, it's still on channel 174. So even if you wanted to watch hockey, you'd have to find the fucking channel in the deep, dark depths of cable TV hell. On the plus side: Versus did catch Snoop Dog at a playoff game last year.

Result? Possibly the worst decision of any major sports league. Ever. Word on the street is the NHL is crawling back to ESPN.

2. Schedule - In another brilliant post-lockout move, the NHL decided everyone would be better off if teams play half their games against divisional opponents and only 10 games against teams in the other conference. The idea was that increasing the number games against divisional opponents would create rivalries or something. Well, that was a terrible idea because mostly it just looked like the teams grew tired of seeing each other out there. I actually heard some kid whine to his dad, "But daddy, I don't want to watch the Oilers again!"

Result? Bettman and the rest of the owners decided that was a pretty bad idea and changed back to the old schedule.

3. New Jerseys - During last year's all-star weekend (which included musical groups Robert Randolph & the Family Band, The Wreckers, and The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. I'm serious.) the NHL and Reebok unveiled fancy new jerseys that are supposed to make the players lighter and faster and better or something. By the way, isn't that the same marketing campaign as the Reebok Pump sneaker? Instead, they sure came up with some ugly jerseys for this season. Check them all out here.

Result? The jerseys are ripping during fights. Derek Boogaard is kind of pissed about it too, because they enable him to actually kill people (which could possibly warrant a suspension longer than 5 games). You know, instead of just collapsing people's skulls, like what happened to Todd Fedoruk - (this is from Wiki: "Fedoruk...had titanium plates permanently embedded into his face" after fighting Boogaard). As Boogaard eloquently said:

"Oh well. If somebody gets hurt, it's Reebok's fault. They're the ones that told us it wasn't going to rip."

You hear that Gary? Boogaard doesn't care if he kills people. It's Reebok's fault.

4. Season Opener in London - No, not London, Ontario. London, England. I still don't understand this from a marketing standpoint. Why do this? In England?? I have so many questions about this I almost can't handle it.

Result? I'm not talking about it anymore. Fuck.

Like I said, NHL fans are truly lucky to have such great stewards of the game. But honestly, you look back at some of these decisions and it makes you wonder who the hell is steering this ship.

In other news, the Wilds start the season on Thursday and my wife is really looking forward to seeing Burns and Rolston on the ice together. What a perv.

Wild Stanley Cup parade set for June 10!

Tonight at 9:30pm, we will begin to see the dismantling of the Anaheim Mighty Ducks. That's right, even though the so-called "experts" are picking the Ducks to win the series, I think we'll see the Wild dominate from start to finish. Why? Let's start with the intangibles:

Moral Character and Integrity:

The Ducks are cheaters. Just last week the Ducks' leading scorer, Teemu Selanne, was penalized for using an illegal stick. Apparently, the blade of the stick was as wide as a goalie stick. If you don't know, that's pretty wide. (Selanne then went on miss his shootout chance with a regulation stick.) Those Finns are always trying to get the upper-hand! This is the perfect mindfuck for Selanne right before the playoffs, I predict he won't be nearly as effective using a legal stick.

Speaking of cheaters, I think we all remember why Ducks' all-world defenseman, Chris Pronger, is playing in Anaheim this year. Last season, Pronger helped the Edmonton Oilers all the way to the Stanley Cup Finals. Oilers lost and Pronger suddenly wanted out of Edmonton. Word on the sunny streets of Edmonton was that Pronger cheated on his wife and knocked up a local tv anchorwoman. So his wife wanted to get the hell out of there. It could also be that living in Edmonton kind of sucks and his wife wanted live in LA. You can decide for yourself.

The Wild on the other hand, they have a good moral compass. Well, except for that time Boogaard got arrested for punching some guy in a bar last summer. But still, you're not a cheater for getting in a bar fight. Right? Also, Little PMB is probably going to win the Lady Byng.

Advantage: Wild - Everyone knows cheaters never win.

Goaltending

Nobody is worried about the Wild in this department. Nick Backstrom led the NHL in all sorts of goalie stat categories. He should be solid in the playoffs.

Anaheim, though, should be worried. Number one goalie, Johnny Giguere, just had his first kid and took some time off last week. I'm told fatherhood turns you into a little bit of a pussy. No doubt, his mental focus will be lacking. (UPDATE: Johnny's new kid is sick, so let's not be too hard on the guy. Word is he won't start game 1.) Backup goalie, Ilya Bryzgalov, played in a number of playoff games last season. His last game was brutal, though. He gave up 3 goals in 2 minutes against the Oilers and was yanked. Here's a great reenactment. (Seriously, this is great. Click it. "Closing the door, not pissing pants. Closing the door...oh no.")

Advantage: Wild

Tough Guys

The experts keep talking about how tough and physical the Ducks are. If I remember correctly, the last time anyone from the Ducks scrapped with Boogaard, the Ducks guy literally had his face broken, didn't play another game for the Ducks, was traded to Philly only to be knocked out again weeks later, and now may never play in the NHL again. Of course, I'm talking about Todd Fedoruk, watch Boogaard break his head here. Can we stop talking about how tough the Ducks are now? Please? Boogaard patrols the ice for the Wild.

Advantage: Wild

Playoff Beards

It'll be interesting to see how this category plays out. For example, how will Brian Rolston incorporate his soulpatch into the playoff beard? Can Little PMB even grow a beard? And what about Marian Gaborik's chin/neck hair, does that count? All good questions. I'll be monitoring.

For Ducks, they've got some Greek guy with a great 70's mustache. Top-notch defender, Scott Niedermayer, always grows a nice playoff beard.

Advantage: Push

Prediction

After crunching the numbers and researching for hours, it's clear to me now:

Wild win in 5.

Wild decide to start trying

WILD UPDATE: The Wild finally got a win last night, beating Edmonton 3-0. To be honest, they looked pretty bad in the first period. Of course, a couple scraps got the crowd on their feet. Boogaard squared off with Zach Stortini, who incidentally has got to be one of the biggest, dumbest, ugliest goons in the NHL. That guy wanted to fight everyone on the ice last night. Check out the fight below. (It never ceases to amaze me how you can find just about every fight in the NHL from the night before on YOUTUBE.)

This fight was particularly good because it looked like a couple of giant meatheads dancing around on the ice making out. After the fight, even Boogaard said, "I thought he was trying to kiss me." Also, note the classy move by Stortini at the end trying to grab Boogaard's leg in desperation.

Playoff Preview to come this weekend.

Mindfuck no match for Derek Boogaard

Andy Murray tried to stick Derek Boogaard in the mind after Thursday night's game. In the game, Boogaard dominated St. Louis tough guy, DJ King, in a third period scrap and propelled the Wild to a 5-1 victory. After the game, Murray questioned Boogaard's effectiveness:

"He never plays! The guy's got to be on the ice to have an effect and he has no effect on the game. He doesn't play! Boogaard wouldn't get into our heads! I wish they'd play Boogaard more. If they would play him more, we'd like that. Tell Derek I'm a fan of his. I want him to play more!" Read the whole story here.

St. Louis enforcer, DJ King, was less enthusiastic about Boogaard playing more, "Next time, Andy Murray can fight him." Later, Murray conceded there was that one time when Boogaard got into his team's head and that was when the toughest guy on the Blues was punched repeatedly in the face by Boogaard.

Boogaard seemed saddened by Murray's comments, but unfazed. "I can't play? I don't affect the game? I mean, you know, that's his opinion, I guess," he said with a pouty lip. A Wild staff member then led Boogaard away on a leash and put him back in his cage until the next game.

Sidenote: Also, in shocking news, Boogaard said he would like to see more fighting at the end of games.

The Geriatric Line Starts

The Wild picked up a nice win last night against the Florida Panthers. I have to admit, even though I follow the NHL pretty closely, I forget that Miami (of all the places in the world) still has real team. They just fell off the radar after the Cup run in '96. They will remain "off the radar" with their current marquee players being Eddie Belfour, Gary Roberts, and Todd Bertuzzi. If you are indeed a casual fan, Eddie "The Eagle" Belfour and Gary "I Have No Shame" Roberts have a combined age of like 107. I'm not kidding. I think Roberts won a Cup in 1967 with Gordie Howe, that's how old this guy is. After the game, the trainers have crutches waiting for him when he steps off the ice. It's terrible.

And Eddie, poor Eddie, he looked absolutely awful last night. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw him in net. He should be playing in B-list pro/am golf tournaments on the Hooters Tour. Instead, he's getting lit up on a nightly basis playing in South Florida (his save percentage is among the league's worst). Every time the Wild scored on him he looked stunned, like he couldn't believe he was still in NHL taking 90mph slapshots in the chest. At times, it looked like he was using the crossbar to prop himself up (not unlike Denis "de hair, de hair" Lemieux in Slapshot, although at this point Denis was a far better goalie than Eddie is now...think about that). Just like Roberts is crutching around the locker room after games, I swear the trainers must have to push Eddie into the crease before the puck drops. He can hardly move from side to side. Eddie, if you're reading this, it's time to retire. It just is. You're not going to win a Cup with the Miami Icecats or whatever. Just stop. Nobody can bear to watch anymore.

Other than seeing those two guys, the game was fairly uneventful. Even though Florida got close a couple times, the Wild responded with quick goals. There wasn't much rough stuff since Gary Bettman, the commish, was in the house. Apparently, Bettman was there to have a heart to heart with Bob Naegle (Wild owner). But, I think Naegle and Bettman just sat in the owner's box and counted their stacks of gold coins. That's what rich people do...I'm told. More on Bettman this weekend.

Related sidenote: Boogaard got his first point of the season last night. Everyone is talking about this. The Wild media all reported that Coach Jacques called out Boogaard, saying he should be playing better offensively, or something like that. I don't understand this. Jacques, help me out. You are asking your goon, your tough guy, your enforcer, to start making some plays in the offensive zone. Huh? This makes no sense. Especially for Boogaard. He's 6'7", 495 lbs., that's not his game. His game is to punch people in the face. That's what YOU hired him to do. Why put the extra pressure on him to score goals? If I had to choose between Boogaard scoring a goal and Boogaard bloodying Bertuzzi's stupid head, I'd obviously choose to watch Boogaard bloody Bertuzzi's head. Even if it was a game winning goal. I'd much rather watch Bouchard or Rolston score the goals. If Boogaard scores, it's going to be ugly anyway. It'll deflect off his shin pad or something. What's fun about that? Honestly. Can we stop talking about this now? There's a reason why he only has one point through 55 games this year.