Preseason brawls; DiPietro tugs on it in the crease

Everyone loves a good, old-fashioned hockey brawl. Especially, when the goalies go at it. The brawl in the clip above is from last night's Islanders/Rangers game. Oh yeah, and it's still the preseason. Who said the preseason doesn't mean anything? Honestly.

You know it's hockey season when quotes like this start showing up in the New York Times, "Orr fought Kip Brennan, and Hollweg and Simon tangled. Rangers forward Jason Strudwick, who fought Brennan in the first period, jumped Simon." Talk about a clusterfuck. And speaking of clusterfucks, if you read the AP story about the brawl, you might have wondered if you were actually reading about some hot homoerotic action, rather than, say, a hockey game. These are real quotes from the article:

"Simon charged Hollweg from behind..."

"Jeremy Colliton and Andy Hilbert...drifted toward DiPietro's crease."

"DiPietro grabbed Strudwick from behind and gave several tugs..."

"Strudwick fell on Hilbert, and DiPietro kept pulling..."

"The two came together...jawed, and exchanged stick jabs."

Am I immature and sophomoric in my humor? Probably. But, I didn't write that shit. I mean, I guess this is the "new" NHL and everything. Maybe the NHL is the gay man's answer to the WNBA. Maybe this all a part of Gary Bettman's master plan...

Also, the Wilds win 2-1 over Buffalo, in a game played in beautiful Grand Forks, North Dakota.

Reason Number 237 to Hate the Mighty Ducks

Ryan Getzlaf, Center, Mighty Ducks of Anahiem.
Stanley Cup Champion at age 22.

So naturally, what's the first thing you do? You take it back to Regina and pose under a goddamn waterfall?? In that electric blue shirt?? Are you serious?

This picture is Canada's take on Glamour Shots. (Remember Glamour Shots? Yikes.) Doesn't he have a handler or something? Someone to say, "Um, Ryan. Posing for that picture. Yeah, not a good idea." Or, "Hey Ryan. You know, there's no assurance you're going to win the Cup again, so you might not want to look like a total doosh in those pictures you're taking. Just FYI." Apparently not. I blame this on Gary Bettman.

In other news, the Wilds first game is only 10 days away...

Brent Burns fights when you tell him to fight and not a moment sooner

Above, please fondly remember the highlight of the 2007 NHL Playoffs: a boyish Brent Burns repeatedly punching a Mighty Ducks d-bag in the face. This season, Burns is the Wild's great hope on the blueline since Keith Carney is bound to have a hip replacement surgery (or two) sometime in the next 6 months. Burns also has a habit of showing up in my wife's dreams, along with Brian Rolston. She describes him as a "slobbering frat boy," which I guess is a compliment. Right?

Anyway thanks to a great feature from Wild beatwriter, Mike Russo, we learn that Brent Burns was actually a little bit of a pussy before he beat up Chris Kunitz in the clip above. Also, his dad, mom, and pretty much all his pals back in Ajax, Ontario thought he was being kind of a pussy too. From Russo's story:

"For years, Burns' father told him it was time to fight. Burns' buddies back home always made fun of him for not dropping his gloves."

(Coincidentally, this is straight from the movie "Youngblood" where Rob Lowe plays this prima donna who won't fight and doesn't get any respect from his teammates, coach, or even his dad. So Youngblood's dad has to teach him to fight and then he fights the goon, Carl Racki, after he scores the game winner on a penalty shot. So, it's a pretty complex plot.)

Back to Brent Burns. After he fights Kunitz, Burns decides that he probably better fight Corey Perry two games later, just for good measure. You can see that fight here. So, everyone is thinking, "Wow. What's gotten into Burns? He's a tough guy now?" But as it turns out, Burns only fought Perry because some guy in the stands told him to. From Russo:

"I only dropped the gloves because a guy in the second row yelled, 'Fight him! Fight him!" Burns said.

Well that's good to hear. Because whenever I'm at a game it doesn't seem like the players are listening to me. (Like when I yelled at Ozzie Guillen that he was a doosh as he was walking to the dugout. Amazingly, he didn't even acknowledge me.) But rest assured, Brent Burns is listening! And even better, he'll actually do what you tell him. So I hope all Wild fans will make a point of yelling, "Fight him!!! Fight him!!" whenever he's on the ice this season.

"I should have done this my first year. It took me four years to drop my purse." Burns said.

I don't really understand what that means, but I like it a whole lot.

Jim Souhan: "Sports Columnist", Lover of Similes

Last week, Jim Souhan, a "sports columnist" for the Mpls StarTribune, wrote a piece about Wild players gathering a week before training camp to workout and get in shape. For those of you who don't know about Jim Souhan, he's the "funny" columnist. I guess. The gist of the article is that Wild players are really dedicated and hard working or something. Apparently, Souhan was really impressed that they got together and skated a whole week before training camp started .

I don't want to sound like a dick, but aren't these guys professional athletes? Isn't it sorta their job to, you know, workout and get in shape during the offseason? And be prepared for the season and stuff? Also, hasn't the Wild been on summer break since roughly April 19 when they were thoroughly handled by the Mighty Ducks? Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that like 4 1/2 months off? Oh wait, and what is the average NHL player salary these days? $1.5 million or more? Ooooh, that's a lot! But yeah, I'm really impressed those guys were knocking the rust off a week before training camp starts.

Maybe it was a slow news day or maybe Souhan just wanted to WOW readers with his witty similes. For example:

"The only season shorter than a Minnesota summer is the summer vacation of Minnesota's pro hockey players. The Wild begins formal training camp on Friday, but they've already sweated enough that the spartan locker room at Parade Ice Garden is starting to smell like an industrial-sized bag of Fritos."

I get naseauted reading that it's so awful. Also, a hockey locker room smells like Fritos. No, an industrial-sized bag of Fritos. What? Emm. What the fuck is he talking about? (Wait, how big is an "industrial-sized bag of Fritos"? Seriously, I can't even picture that.)

But here's the real gem. Souhan gets us rolling with this one, talking about Wes Walz and how he doesn't score a whole lot:

"He's an exceptional skater and fitness freak who has survived since his NHL debut in 1989 even though he scores about as often as a sports blogger."

OH! No you didn't, Souhan!! Another crazy simile!! Zing!!!

But seriously, are "sports bloggers" nerdy and lame? I guess I just don't understand the joke. "Sports bloggers" don't have sex? Really? (A better question, do "sports columnists" have sex? Tony Kornheiser?? Wow.) Is that the joke? I mean, I know blogs and websites and computers and general word processing are super hi-tech and everything, but what am I missing here?

More importantly, why a "sports" blogger? Why not a political blogger? Why not a sci-fi/fantasy blogger? What about some dude who has a Japanese animation fetish and writes a blog about it? Can't you argue that, as bloggers go, "sports bloggers" get the most ass? (By the way, I refuse to believe that you, Sid and Reusse are knocking them dead down at Dan Kelly's or wherever you guys go. I've seen some of those broads and...well, have fun with that.)

I guess what I'm saying is that the column you wrote is terrible. Fritos? Really??

The Brian Rolston Situation: Someone's Wife is Not Happy

Wild fans! I apologize. It's been too long. After the Wild's game 5 loss to the Ducks I lost my muse - how could I not?? But then some wonderful reader posted a great comment. My muse returned.

Those of you who are long time readers of Casual Hockey will remember Rolston's visit to my bedroom (wow, that really sounds terrible) during last season's playoff run. In short, my new wife of 7 months had some kinky dream about Rolston. Apparently, he was a BIG part of the dream. Not to worry, we're still going strong. Brian Rolston might have a really hard slapshot and piles of money stashed away in his basement and come to think of it, he's probably in excellent physical condition, too. Point is, he's not going to ruin this marriage!

To my dismay, my lady pursued the Brian Rolston Situation (that's what we call it now) and after many hours of research on the internets she found credible information (Wikipedia is credible, right?) that Rolston was in fact divorced. (By the way, as you can read in the post, she was WAY too excited about this possibility. Then, inexplicably, she started in on Brent Burns. So now we have the Brent Burns Situation. This is my home life. It consumes me.)

And so, we come to July 2, 2007. More than two months after my last post. More than two months since I claimed Rolston was divorced. I get this comment from an "anonymous" reader:

Brian Rolston is not divorced. Someone must of edited [Wikipedia] because go back and it says he is married...he is not divorced, and I don't know why you care about this stuff.

-Anonymous

Then, "Anonymous" closed with, "My husband - er, I mean Brian Rolston is a happily married man. And if you EVER write anything to the contrary again , I will fucking kill you!" Ok, not really, but I'm pretty sure that Brian Rolston's wife left that first comment. Read it again. It's completely crazy. I love the, "I don't know why you care about this stuff" line. Yeah, I don't know why either. Umm, it's funny? Can that be a reason why?

In any case, you know you've made it to the big time when players' wives are reading your shit. But I feel for her, because if you google 'brian rolston's wife' check out the first thing that pops up. (Also, my blog muse is now officially named Mrs. Rolston. Thank you for making me write again. Readers, check back for more frequent updates.)

UPDATE: Rolston to continue bedroom visits with Brent Burns in tow

Last week, my wife had a dream about Brian Rolston. Today at 2:27pm I get this email:

Subject: rolston

wikipedia says he's divorced!!!

Later, I get this email:

Subject: brent burns

brent burns is my new favorite. i'm going to have a dream about him, but it'll be a lot less refined than the dream about rolston. i mean, burns is a boy, rolston is a man. it'll be a slobbery frat boy flashback type dream.

Ummm...should I be worried about this? She's clearly way too excited about the fact that Rolston is divorced. Let's keep in mind that we've only been married about 8 months. (Is it too soon for marital strife?) At first it was funny, but isn't this taking it a little far? "Slobbery frat boy flashback type dream..." What is that supposed to mean?!? (Does "flashback" imply that she's had "slobbery frat boy" encounters in the past? Who is this woman???)

Recap: Original Mighty Ducks scratched in Game 5; Wild lose to real NHL players

Game 5 is long over now. The Wild were thoroughly handled by the Ducks again. The one thing I can't get over is how boring it is to watch the Ducks play. With the exception of Ryan Getzlaf, Andy MacDonald, and Teemu this team is a bore. If I see Chris Pronger score one more power play goal, I might throw up all over myself.

Despite the quick exit, we did learn a few things about the Wild and the NHL:

1. Brent Burns will fight you and giggle about it afterward.

2. Scoring goals will help you win playoff games. Scoring power play goals is also important. Wild power play % - 7.4 (ranked 14 out of 16 playoff teams). Anaheim power play % - 26.3 (ranked 1 out of 16). Interesting. Maybe we should work on the power play during the offseason.

3. This will get you a 3 game suspension. This will get you a 5 game suspension. This is the movie Slapshot (a must see if you are to understand the NHL's new marketing campaign). Readers, behold, the new NHL.