Wild Stanley Cup Parade Scheduled for June 14, 2008!

That's right peoples. Prepare for a Mardi Gras-like celebration when the Wilds drive the Stanely Cup down Nicollet Mall next June. It's gonna be crazy! The Wilds take the first step toward Stanley Cup immortality with the season-opener against the Blackhawks tonight.

In lieu of a season preview from Casual Hockey, here's what the "experts" and bloggers are saying about this year's Minnesota Wilds.

John Buccigross of ESPN says:

"The Wild are on the cusp of Stanley Cup success. They continue to build brick by brick. We'll have to see if those bricks help the Wild get better or stay the same."

Rank: 5th in the West

TSN Canada (the ESPN of the Great White Northland) says:

"If the blueliners as a whole can improve their contribution to the offence, the Wild should be in better shape. Backstrom is this year's version of Montreal's Cristobal Huet - he was spectacular with half a season under his belt, and all eyes will be on him to carry a full load this season."

Rank: 4th in the West

Note: Who is Cristobal Huet?

James Mirtle (reporter for the Toronto Globe & Mail) says:

"Minnesota also has its youngsters all about to breakout, as their drafting in the early years is just about to pay off with players like Pierre-Marc Bouchard, Mikko Koivu and Brent Burns (who was incredible in preseason). Gaborik easily breaks the 100-point barrier with a healthy season."

Rank: 3rd in the West

And finally, Sportsquee. Squee's Wild preview is a little, umm...less conventional. But fantastic nonetheless. Squee says:

"The Wild aren't that cute. They aren't freaks or anything, but not the kinds of dudes who are going to give you the vapors. We'll open with Brian Rolston, who seems to be the closest the Wild have to an older heartthrob. Now, I have no idea why Brian Rolston chooses to have his chin look like a porn star's vagina, but if you can look past that landing strip soul patch thing, he's a nice-looking man."

Rank: Unranked (as far as I can tell)

Note: Sportsquee team previews are absolutely worth reading. She has an exceptional piece on the Calgary Flames, notably Dion Phaneuf. (Seriously, read this.)

Casual Hockey says:

The Wilds win the Cup, beating the New York Rangers in 6 games. You heard it here first. (Probably.)

Reason Number 349 to Hate the Mighty Ducks

Corey Perry fights with his visor and helmet on. (Yes, this is the same Corey Perry whose ass was kicked by Brent "Slobbery Fratboy" Burns in last year's playoffs.) Watch Dallas Drake unsnap his chinstrap as Perry just punches him in the face without even thinking about taking off his helmet. Everyone knows that if you wear a visor and you fight, you take off your helmet. It's just the rule. How in the hell is Drake going to land any good punches with that fucking visor on??? This is why Don Cherry hates visors. Because the guys that wear them are generally pussies. You heard it here, Corey Perry is a doosh.

NHL Executives...Still Sucking...

Maybe you didn't know this, but the NHL front office is full of geniuses. Let's highlight their brilliance since the lockout ended:

1. Versus - Remember the lockout, when there was no hockey for an entire year? And then, remember when the NHL told ESPN to suck it and put the games on the Versus channel so no one would watch? That didn't work out too good. On Versus, formerly the Outdoor Life Channel (OLN), programming is still dominated by duck hunters, triathletes, and Ted Nugent. And luckily, it's still on channel 174. So even if you wanted to watch hockey, you'd have to find the fucking channel in the deep, dark depths of cable TV hell. On the plus side: Versus did catch Snoop Dog at a playoff game last year.

Result? Possibly the worst decision of any major sports league. Ever. Word on the street is the NHL is crawling back to ESPN.

2. Schedule - In another brilliant post-lockout move, the NHL decided everyone would be better off if teams play half their games against divisional opponents and only 10 games against teams in the other conference. The idea was that increasing the number games against divisional opponents would create rivalries or something. Well, that was a terrible idea because mostly it just looked like the teams grew tired of seeing each other out there. I actually heard some kid whine to his dad, "But daddy, I don't want to watch the Oilers again!"

Result? Bettman and the rest of the owners decided that was a pretty bad idea and changed back to the old schedule.

3. New Jerseys - During last year's all-star weekend (which included musical groups Robert Randolph & the Family Band, The Wreckers, and The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. I'm serious.) the NHL and Reebok unveiled fancy new jerseys that are supposed to make the players lighter and faster and better or something. By the way, isn't that the same marketing campaign as the Reebok Pump sneaker? Instead, they sure came up with some ugly jerseys for this season. Check them all out here.

Result? The jerseys are ripping during fights. Derek Boogaard is kind of pissed about it too, because they enable him to actually kill people (which could possibly warrant a suspension longer than 5 games). You know, instead of just collapsing people's skulls, like what happened to Todd Fedoruk - (this is from Wiki: "Fedoruk...had titanium plates permanently embedded into his face" after fighting Boogaard). As Boogaard eloquently said:

"Oh well. If somebody gets hurt, it's Reebok's fault. They're the ones that told us it wasn't going to rip."

You hear that Gary? Boogaard doesn't care if he kills people. It's Reebok's fault.

4. Season Opener in London - No, not London, Ontario. London, England. I still don't understand this from a marketing standpoint. Why do this? In England?? I have so many questions about this I almost can't handle it.

Result? I'm not talking about it anymore. Fuck.

Like I said, NHL fans are truly lucky to have such great stewards of the game. But honestly, you look back at some of these decisions and it makes you wonder who the hell is steering this ship.

In other news, the Wilds start the season on Thursday and my wife is really looking forward to seeing Burns and Rolston on the ice together. What a perv.

Preseason brawls; DiPietro tugs on it in the crease

Everyone loves a good, old-fashioned hockey brawl. Especially, when the goalies go at it. The brawl in the clip above is from last night's Islanders/Rangers game. Oh yeah, and it's still the preseason. Who said the preseason doesn't mean anything? Honestly.

You know it's hockey season when quotes like this start showing up in the New York Times, "Orr fought Kip Brennan, and Hollweg and Simon tangled. Rangers forward Jason Strudwick, who fought Brennan in the first period, jumped Simon." Talk about a clusterfuck. And speaking of clusterfucks, if you read the AP story about the brawl, you might have wondered if you were actually reading about some hot homoerotic action, rather than, say, a hockey game. These are real quotes from the article:

"Simon charged Hollweg from behind..."

"Jeremy Colliton and Andy Hilbert...drifted toward DiPietro's crease."

"DiPietro grabbed Strudwick from behind and gave several tugs..."

"Strudwick fell on Hilbert, and DiPietro kept pulling..."

"The two came together...jawed, and exchanged stick jabs."

Am I immature and sophomoric in my humor? Probably. But, I didn't write that shit. I mean, I guess this is the "new" NHL and everything. Maybe the NHL is the gay man's answer to the WNBA. Maybe this all a part of Gary Bettman's master plan...

Also, the Wilds win 2-1 over Buffalo, in a game played in beautiful Grand Forks, North Dakota.

Reason Number 237 to Hate the Mighty Ducks

Ryan Getzlaf, Center, Mighty Ducks of Anahiem.
Stanley Cup Champion at age 22.

So naturally, what's the first thing you do? You take it back to Regina and pose under a goddamn waterfall?? In that electric blue shirt?? Are you serious?

This picture is Canada's take on Glamour Shots. (Remember Glamour Shots? Yikes.) Doesn't he have a handler or something? Someone to say, "Um, Ryan. Posing for that picture. Yeah, not a good idea." Or, "Hey Ryan. You know, there's no assurance you're going to win the Cup again, so you might not want to look like a total doosh in those pictures you're taking. Just FYI." Apparently not. I blame this on Gary Bettman.

In other news, the Wilds first game is only 10 days away...

Brent Burns fights when you tell him to fight and not a moment sooner

Above, please fondly remember the highlight of the 2007 NHL Playoffs: a boyish Brent Burns repeatedly punching a Mighty Ducks d-bag in the face. This season, Burns is the Wild's great hope on the blueline since Keith Carney is bound to have a hip replacement surgery (or two) sometime in the next 6 months. Burns also has a habit of showing up in my wife's dreams, along with Brian Rolston. She describes him as a "slobbering frat boy," which I guess is a compliment. Right?

Anyway thanks to a great feature from Wild beatwriter, Mike Russo, we learn that Brent Burns was actually a little bit of a pussy before he beat up Chris Kunitz in the clip above. Also, his dad, mom, and pretty much all his pals back in Ajax, Ontario thought he was being kind of a pussy too. From Russo's story:

"For years, Burns' father told him it was time to fight. Burns' buddies back home always made fun of him for not dropping his gloves."

(Coincidentally, this is straight from the movie "Youngblood" where Rob Lowe plays this prima donna who won't fight and doesn't get any respect from his teammates, coach, or even his dad. So Youngblood's dad has to teach him to fight and then he fights the goon, Carl Racki, after he scores the game winner on a penalty shot. So, it's a pretty complex plot.)

Back to Brent Burns. After he fights Kunitz, Burns decides that he probably better fight Corey Perry two games later, just for good measure. You can see that fight here. So, everyone is thinking, "Wow. What's gotten into Burns? He's a tough guy now?" But as it turns out, Burns only fought Perry because some guy in the stands told him to. From Russo:

"I only dropped the gloves because a guy in the second row yelled, 'Fight him! Fight him!" Burns said.

Well that's good to hear. Because whenever I'm at a game it doesn't seem like the players are listening to me. (Like when I yelled at Ozzie Guillen that he was a doosh as he was walking to the dugout. Amazingly, he didn't even acknowledge me.) But rest assured, Brent Burns is listening! And even better, he'll actually do what you tell him. So I hope all Wild fans will make a point of yelling, "Fight him!!! Fight him!!" whenever he's on the ice this season.

"I should have done this my first year. It took me four years to drop my purse." Burns said.

I don't really understand what that means, but I like it a whole lot.

Jim Souhan: "Sports Columnist", Lover of Similes

Last week, Jim Souhan, a "sports columnist" for the Mpls StarTribune, wrote a piece about Wild players gathering a week before training camp to workout and get in shape. For those of you who don't know about Jim Souhan, he's the "funny" columnist. I guess. The gist of the article is that Wild players are really dedicated and hard working or something. Apparently, Souhan was really impressed that they got together and skated a whole week before training camp started .

I don't want to sound like a dick, but aren't these guys professional athletes? Isn't it sorta their job to, you know, workout and get in shape during the offseason? And be prepared for the season and stuff? Also, hasn't the Wild been on summer break since roughly April 19 when they were thoroughly handled by the Mighty Ducks? Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that like 4 1/2 months off? Oh wait, and what is the average NHL player salary these days? $1.5 million or more? Ooooh, that's a lot! But yeah, I'm really impressed those guys were knocking the rust off a week before training camp starts.

Maybe it was a slow news day or maybe Souhan just wanted to WOW readers with his witty similes. For example:

"The only season shorter than a Minnesota summer is the summer vacation of Minnesota's pro hockey players. The Wild begins formal training camp on Friday, but they've already sweated enough that the spartan locker room at Parade Ice Garden is starting to smell like an industrial-sized bag of Fritos."

I get naseauted reading that it's so awful. Also, a hockey locker room smells like Fritos. No, an industrial-sized bag of Fritos. What? Emm. What the fuck is he talking about? (Wait, how big is an "industrial-sized bag of Fritos"? Seriously, I can't even picture that.)

But here's the real gem. Souhan gets us rolling with this one, talking about Wes Walz and how he doesn't score a whole lot:

"He's an exceptional skater and fitness freak who has survived since his NHL debut in 1989 even though he scores about as often as a sports blogger."

OH! No you didn't, Souhan!! Another crazy simile!! Zing!!!

But seriously, are "sports bloggers" nerdy and lame? I guess I just don't understand the joke. "Sports bloggers" don't have sex? Really? (A better question, do "sports columnists" have sex? Tony Kornheiser?? Wow.) Is that the joke? I mean, I know blogs and websites and computers and general word processing are super hi-tech and everything, but what am I missing here?

More importantly, why a "sports" blogger? Why not a political blogger? Why not a sci-fi/fantasy blogger? What about some dude who has a Japanese animation fetish and writes a blog about it? Can't you argue that, as bloggers go, "sports bloggers" get the most ass? (By the way, I refuse to believe that you, Sid and Reusse are knocking them dead down at Dan Kelly's or wherever you guys go. I've seen some of those broads and...well, have fun with that.)

I guess what I'm saying is that the column you wrote is terrible. Fritos? Really??