Casualhockey

Jacques' Poll: Would a Dose of Levitra do the Trick?

2007-12-06T11:00:00.000-06:00

Another terrible, horrible, no good, rotten game last night by the Wilds in a 3-1 loss to the Flyers. Mike Russo of the StarTribune said fans were booing it was so bad. I couldn't even watch the third period. And just think, 88% of you said Jacques is not on the hot seat. (See Jacques' Poll at right). Why not? This team doesn't play with any consistency. With the exception of Aaron Voros (we'll talk about him in days to come), no one plays with any passion. Backstrom let a goal in from outside the blue line, our best defenseman is a 72 year old Keith Carney, our best offensive threat is Voros a tall, gangling rookie, and the powerplay is a fucking joke. As my wife said last night after the Wilds botched another 5 on 3 advantage, "the enemy of good is perfect..." I was like, why aren't you coaching?

Let me highlight the problem at hand. The Wilds have exactly one win in games where the opponent scores the first goal. One win??? Guess how many wins they have when trailing after 2 periods.......two. That's right, they have two come from behind wins this season in 27 games. What a joke! Where's the heart, the grit and determination? Where's the ingenius bench strategy that Jacques is known for???

Yet, you people think Jacques has control over this ice hockey club. Now, admittedly, Jacques' Poll did coincide with a 4-game win streak by the Wilds, but still isn't the writing on the wall? This team needs to get it going. The Western Conference is so tight, the Wilds could easily miss the playoffs. What's the solution?

Who said there's nothing to do in North Dakota?

2007-12-05T16:44:00.000-06:00

In what is quickly becoming the must-see event of the season, former college hockey coaches Doug Woog and "Mean" Dean Blais will face off against each other in a game of bubble hockey. Yeah, that's right. Bubble hockey. They will play the game at center ice in Englestad Arena between periods of the Sioux-Gopher game this Friday. AND this match will be televised!!! So, don't tell me you've got nothing to do this weekend. You can always watch two old college hockey coaches play bubble hockey against each other. (Incidentally, have you ever watched a game of bubble hockey??? It's just about the most boring fucking thing on the planet. Playing is fun, watching not so much.)

Doug Woog, of course, coached the mighty Gophers and now acts as the Paula Abdul of Fox Sports North. I swear that guy is drunk every Saturday night game he broadcasts. Seriously, listen to him mumble and stumble through the game. "Mean" Dean Blais coached the Fighting Sioux to a couple of national titles. (By the way, Blais is mean. I went to his hockey camp and was about 10 seconds late to an on-ice meeting. He screamed for me to "skate 10 fucking laps, then get your ass back here!" I was 12. Also, I heard a rumor he punched one of his scramble partners in the face for missing a putt.)

If all that is true, Blais is going to fucking crush Woog. And if Mean Dean loses, I bet he jerseys Woog sends his drunk ass to the ice. Come to think of it, I will probably watch this.

WILDS UPDATE: Philly tonight. I hope Kim Johnsson keeps his chin tucked.

Jacques Lemaire: Great haircut but are his coaching days numbered?

2007-11-27T16:04:00.000-06:00

Here's a question for you: Should Jacques Lemaire be fired??? (That's him pictured above during his playing days. Handsome devil, isn't he?) The Wilds, despite a road win on Saturday, have lost 10 of their last 15 games. Somehow the team failed to get energized for the Vancouver game last Wednesday and was then completely dominated by the BJs on Friday. Two of the worst, most apathetic, unemotional, sloppy games in recent history. Things are so bad, the Wilds brass signed Todd Fedoruk. (Seriously, Fedoruk??? Is he really going to help?) And according to Mike Russo at the StarTribune, Jacques is pissed and calling out the veterans. All is not well in Wildstown. At this rate, making the playoffs is a fucking dream, my friends.

Last year, Jacques signed a contract extension through the 2009-10 season. But is it time for a new leader? A fresh system? Jacques is known for developing young talent. Maybe he's reached his peak with this team. He's done a lot for the our ice hockey club, no doubt about it. He's built a great foundation. But maybe, just maybe, it's time for a change. Any thoughts?

WILDS UPDATE: The Wilds have a very important 4 game homestand starting tomorrow night against The Yotes. That other Slovak with the groin injury might even play. Unfortunately, Foster is out after taking a slapshot to the face. (Apparently, his forehead is so swollen his helmet doesn't fit.) Nummelin was nearly decapitated last week. Harding's head was crushed against the goalpost. And of course, Koivu's leg is still broken after this happened. Yeah, that creepy Swedish guy was suspended for only 4 games. Yep, the NHL is a fucking joke, per usual.

Wild...Turkeys

2007-11-22T09:52:00.001-06:00

Pretty much what the Wilds looked like last night. Ish.

The BJs up next. Happy Thanksgiving!

Aggressive Hockey is Back in Town!!!!

2007-11-21T08:55:00.000-06:00

Remember the movie Slapshot? When Reg Dunlop pays the ambulance driver to do laps around the arena with the sirens blaring?? Yeah, that's pretty much what it will be like at the Xcel when the Canucks play the Wilds tonight. (Seriously, how awesome would it be if they had a couple ambulances driving up and down West 7th St.?!?!)

If you haven't already, read Mike Russo's story in the StarTribune today. It's excellent and sums up all the shit-talking from both teams. In the understatement of the year, Russo got this quote out of Brian Rolston:

"Any time a guy takes a two-hander and breaks another guy's leg, things are bound to get heated."

Yeah, I totally agree, Brian. Things will probably get a little heated tonight. On a serious note, this is why hockey is so great. In what other sport do players get to say these things??? It's just the best. So in anticipation of tonight's game, here's a Mr. Derek Boogaard "Greatest Hits" video I found on YouTube. (You should at least watch the first clip. Trust me.) Even Little PMB is talking shit, that's how tense this matchup will be tonight. Oh man, I would give anything to watch Little PMB take on Pinky or the Brain.

Mike Brown: Taking One for the Team

2007-11-20T09:09:00.000-06:00

In the continuing saga of Mikko Koivu and the Attack of the Killer Swede, the always classy Vancouver Canucks (think Todd Bertuzzi, Brad May, Matt Cooke) called up minor league tough guy, Mike Brown, yesterday (that's him taking a shot to the ribs). The move is clearly in anticipation of the rematch with the Wilds on Wednesday night.

So who is this Mike Brown, you ask? He's the guy lucky enough to be thrown into the fire Wednesday night. Are the Wilds worried about Mike Brown? Umm, no. The thing is, Mike Brown has played in exactly 0 NHL games (although he has racked up a healthy number of penalty minutes playing for the Manitoba Moose). In a handful of preseason games with the Canucks, Mike has been involved in 4 fights. And his opponents aren't exactly impressive:

Jeff Friesen - Really, Jeff Friesen? Everyone knows Friesen doesn't fight. According to HockeyFights.com, Friesen's had 1 NHL fight. But I guess you have to start somewhere, right?

Matt Greene - Greene, the dooshy oaf D-man from the Oilers, is a step in the right direction. Kind of.

Jean-Francois Jacques - Mike, you fought a guy named Jean-Francois Jacques? You're not getting a lot of street cred with that one. Just saying...

Kent Huskins - I think we all remember Huskins from the playoffs last year. He dropped the gloves with Adam Hall and needed both Shawn Thornton and Brad May to help him out.

What's the point here? Well, Mike Brown is about to go from wrestling around on the ice with Kent Huskins to facing off against Mr. Derek Boogaard in his first NHL game. Is this the big opportunity he was hoping for? Probably not. I wonder how he'll sleep on Tuesday night. I think of him more as a sacrificial lamb, like a peace offering to the Wilds and Mr. Boogaard.

OTHER WILDS NEWS: This article by Scott Burnside of espn.com pretty much sums up the NHL and its lame suspension policy.

Pinky and Brain vs. Mr. Derek Boogaard

2007-11-19T11:14:00.000-06:00

Last Friday night in Vancouver, the Wilds were thoroughly humiliated by the Canucks in a 6-2 loss. It was terrible and, apparently, physical. By now, you've all heard that Mikko Koivu was chopped down by Swedish thug, Mattias Ohlund. The video of the incident is above. But it's like I always say, you can never trust a Swede with a stick. Koivu, who is Finnish, presumably knows this. However, he made a grave mistake by turning his back on Ohlund after attempting to deliver a flying elbow. Then, WHACK!!! Ohlund laid the old two-hander on him. From the video we can see that Ohlund is no stranger to swinging an axe. I mean, that shit was straight out of the Great Outdoor Games (that's Ohlund in the middle under the alias Laurence O' Toole...I think). Perhaps, Ohlund didn't take the pre-game sauna to calm his nerves (also pictured: Naslund and those creepy twins). That was a mistake.

Unfortunately for Koivu and the Wilds, his fibula is cracked. So Mikko will be out at least one week. Ohlund was suspended for 4 games. The suspension seems fair. Of course, if Ohlund had actually amputated Koivu's left foot with the slash, I think the NHL would need to reevaluate its suspension criteria. Anyway, that means Ohlund won't be playing against the Wilds in St. Paul on Wednesday night, which I'm sure he's relieved about. Mr. Boogaard is already licking his chops.

In what is the funniest thing to come out of all this drama, Boogaard speculated to the Vancouver Sun that he might, "go out and slash Naslund or Pinky and the Brain twins". Hilarious. Wait? Who are Pinky and the Brain twins? Cartoon characters. Wikipedia says, "Pinky and Brain are genetically enhanced lab mice who reside in a cage in the Acme Labs research facility". Hmmm, that's not far off what Wikipedia says about the Sedin Twins - "Henrik and Daniel are genetically enhanced Swedish hockey players who reside in a cage in the Vancouver hockey arena, GM Place". Come to think of it, the resemblance is striking...Pinky and Brain - the Sedin Twins.

I really, really can't wait to see what happens on Wednesday night. Pinky and the Brain twins. Oh Derek, you kill me with your comedy!

Other Wilds News: Oh yeah, the Wilds beat up on Colorado yesterday afternoon, 4-1. Some guys named Matt Foy and Aaron Voros scored for the Wilds. Who the hell are these guys? Whatever. I like it.

Wilds continue domination of Edmonton Junior B team

2007-11-16T12:45:00.000-06:00

Okay, okay. I kid. That wasn't a Junior B team you saw last night. It was the real Edmonton Oilers! In any case, the Wilds beat them for the 15th time in 19 tries, or so says Mike Russo at the StarTribune. Our newest and most favorite French Canadian, Eric Be-Lan-Jer (seen at left!), had a team record 4 assists. Even Marian Gaborik played last night, which was nothing short of a miracle. And he scored. I guess that's what they pay him for. You know, when he's actually playing.

NEXT UP: The Wilds travel to beautiful Vancouver for a game against the Canucks tonight. I only know a couple things about the Canucks:

1. Roberto Luongo is enormous. If you need a reason why goal scoring is down in the NHL, look no further. This guy covers the entire fucking net just standing there.

2. Those robot twins really creep me out. Enough said, I think.

The Northwest Division: Can we be done with this already?

2007-11-15T10:51:00.000-06:00

Hey guess what? The Wilds play the Oilers tonight...again. That'll be the fourth time this year, which means more than 20% of the Wilds games to date have featured the Edmonton Oilers, one of the top 5 worst teams in the NHL. I just want to thank the NHL for setting up such a great schedule because God knows I have no interest in watching teams like Montreal, New York, or Buffalo. Hell, I'd rather watch the Wilds take on Florida than the fucking Oil for the fourth time. Watching Alex Hemsky pussyfoot all over the ice is just killing me.

Wait there's more! Tonight's game will also be the 10th Northwest Division game the Wilds play this year. Yep, that's 10 games out of 18. So more than half their games have been played against Calgary, Edmonton, Colorado, or Vancouver. And luckily for Wilds fans, we watch the second lowest scoring division in the NHL, the Northwest!!! Hooraaay!! The only the division scoring fewer goals is the Atlantic. So that's great. Seriously, I can't take another divisional game. I don't even get excited to watch. It's like, "Oh. The Oil. Great."

WILDS NEWS: The Great Slovakian Groin might play tonight, but then again he might not. And it's waaaaay to early to tell if he'll play tomorrow night at Vancouver (yep, another Northwest Division game). So, you know, if you're planning on seeing lots of goals tonight, don't count on it. Learn more about the Oilers, a once great franchise, here.

Bettman & Satellite Radio: Who didn't see this coming?

2007-11-13T09:01:00.000-06:00

In what has already been widely reported, Gary "Smug Prick" Bettman will host a live call-in show on XM Satellite Radio, called "NHL Hour". Bettman is one of the most hated figures in all of sports. No one knows how he has kept his job. Oh wait, the owners like him because they make lots and lots of money. (Guess what, Owners? You'd make more money if your games weren't hidden away in the deep, dark depths of cable TV hell. Read, Versus Channel.) On all other fronts, Bettman has been a complete and utter failure. He's a fool who doesn't understand hockey or its fans. What a dick.

Anyway, I've been trying to think of some questions for him and this is all I could come up with:

Bettman! Why are you such a smug prick?

Gary, every Monday night it takes me 15 minutes of wading through channels like Hallmark, Oxygen, and CSPAN3 before I finally find Versus. Seriously, you didn't think of this?? Versus is on channel 92!! That's not even an easy number to remember. Fuck.

How could you possibly suck at your job this much? How?? Tell me right now.

Gary, I hate you. Explain.

WILDS UPDATE: Since I've been away the Wilds are 2-3 and 2-5-1 in their last 8. That's not good. This guy is still out with a groin. Oh and so is this guy. And these guys are our best players. So that's too bad. The Wilds take on the Flames tonight in Cal-Gary.

While I'm Gone...

2007-10-30T13:56:00.000-06:00

Check these guys out. The 2 Man Advantage. Its the best show not on TV, if that makes any sense. It should keep you busy until I get back next week. I don't know why Versus hasn't picked up this show!! If you only have 45 seconds to spare, I highly recommend this clip. Or this one.

WILDS UPDATE: You probably don't know this, but Sidney Crosby plays the Wilds tonight. Thursday, it's the Blues and Saturday the Flamers. Let's just hope for a win. And here's to hoping the groins stay clean and healthy. Ish.

Honey, Come Over Here and Pull My Groin Again, Would Ya?

2007-10-29T14:32:00.000-06:00

If you placed a bet before the season started that Marion Gaborik wouldn't make it 10 games without injuring his (very valuable) groin muscle, you would have been...wrong. He made it through the 10th game, but not the 11th. Oh and Pavol Demitra and Nik Backstrom have groin problems, too. Yikes! Take it easy on the old butterfly stretch, fellas (is that Wes Walz???)!

Unfortunately, that's pretty much our 3 best players. So who's groin will be next to go? Take the poll to the right. (My pick is Keith Carney. After the hip replacement during the offseason, you gotta think the groin is the next thing to go.)

WILDS UPDATE: A loss in the Sunshine State. The Wilds slogged through a 3-1 loss to the Avs. To stay it was uninspiring would be about right. Let's hope Cal Clusterfuck, er Fluttercluck, or whatever can provide a spark against the Pens on Tuesday.

Keegan's Pub: Not a hockey bar, apparently

2007-10-26T13:42:00.000-06:00

Well, I tried to find the crappiest home-video footage of last night's shootout loss to the Oilers AND I succeeded. Enjoy! If you can even stand to watch the entire 1 minute and 5 seconds of this shitty video, you'll (kind of) see the garbage goal Alex Hemsky scored to win the game. Ish.

The shootout loss for the Wilds brings their record to, a still decent, 7-1-2. (Hey Keegan's Pub, you get that??? 7-1-2 not 7-0-1-2! I went to trivia last night and one of the questions was "What is the Wild's record in the StarTribune this morning?" Like I don't know that! The trivia guru tried to tell me the Wild record was 7-0-1-1 or some shit. Umm that's wrong - that's prelockout recordkeeping. The NHL goes by Win, Loss, & Shootout Loss. Honestly. Don't ask the question if you don't know fucking answer!)

Next Up: The Wilds travel to beautiful Denver. I guess the World Series is there or something - some team called the Red Sox is playing...

The Wilds hope Edmonton fans can keep the tears to a minimum tonight

2007-10-25T14:06:00.000-06:00

Let's just address this right off, that's not Jesus Christ. That's a picture Ryan Smyth dressed up like Jesus Christ. Why? Wait, let's back up, who the fuck is Ryan Smyth??? Good question. If you're not a hockey fan or from Canada, you don't know him. Ryan Smyth used to be an Edmonton Oiler. He was the captain. He was the heart and soul of Edmonton for many, many years. It didn't matter that he was ugly and goofy in that backwoods sorta way, (or that he had a lot of cold sores on his face). The Oilers fans loved him.

Well, Oilers fans were reminded that hockey is a business when the Oilers traded him hours before the trade deadline expired, last season. (Maybe they forgot about Wayne Gretzky leaving for LA, I don't know.) You could hear the cries of pain and sorrow from Dallas to Nashville (ok, not really since those cities could give a shit about Ryan Smyth, but you get the idea). Anyway, Smyth finished the season playing for the Islanders and the Oilers languished and generally sucked for the remainder of the year. After the season, Smyth, a free agent, signed a contract with the Colorado Avalanche, who happen to be in the same division as the Oilers. Basically, it was high drama and one big cosmic mindfuck on Oilers fans who, coincidentally, will see a lot more of Ryan Smyth now that he plays for the Avs.

What's the point? Well, Oilers fans are still crying about losing Ryan Smyth. He recently made his first appearance in Edmonton since being traded and it opened up all sorts of old, rotting wounds. Apparently, he's some kind of big deal up there still. They call him "Captain Canada" or something. They superimpose his face on our Lord and Savior (also, they do bad charcoal sketches). They even write sonnets about him. Here's an excerpt:

"Baptismal fonts flow with oil refined,
And so, with oil, is Smyth's rebirth entwined."
--From Sonnet #94 (That's Smyth's number. Clever, eh?)

To tell you the truth, it's all a little embarrassing. I mean, I don't remember getting all emotional when the Wild traded away Pascal Dupuis or Manny Fernandez or worse, Todd White. I mean honestly Oilers fans have some self-respect. This is hockey. Toughen up. Are you really going to cry about it every time Ryan Smyth shows up to play some ice hockey??? (More importantly, is Ryan Smyth going to cry about it every time he shows up to play some ice hockey? Jeezus.)

Anyway, the Wilds play the Oilers tonight. Hopefully, everyone in Edmonton can keep it together. Go to Battle of Alberta to see for yourself just how much Edmonton misses Ryan Smyth.

WILDS UPDATE: Holy crap. The buzzsaw that was the Calgary Flames last night. Jeez. I turned on the game and we had a comfortable 3 goal lead in the second. Final score, 5-3 Flames. Ish. Jerome Iginla. I kill you.

Wilds Roll Call: Bienvenue Eric Belanger!

2007-10-24T07:50:00.000-06:00

A couple weeks ago, I posted about fresh-faced rookie James Sheppard, whose mommy brought his winter boots all the way from Halifax. Jimmy's had some playing time since then, but has yet to notch his first goal. Because he's just a little baby I'll cut him some slack.

One new face I haven't talked about yet is Mr. Eric Belanger. Eric is from that little known North American country, French Canadia. Or, as Wikipedia says, "a major Canadian hockey centre," whatever that means. The Wilds picked up Belanger (that's Bee-laaan-Jerr if you're from Northern Minnesota or Buh-lawn-jay if you're from French Canadia) in a trade during the offseason. He wears a visor like all other French Canadians (that's what Don Cherry says anyway and Don Cherry is a very smart man), eats poutine, wears a checkered red and black flannel woodsman shirt when he's not playing hockey, and probably dips his fries in mayo (when they're not slathered in gravy and cheese curds of course).

That said, he's a pretty awesome ice hockey player! He's got 7 points in 8 games and is a nifty plus 9. He's been the best player on the ice for the Wilds in a number of games this year and has scored some big goals (2 of them game winners). So, please. Don't tease about about the French Canadia stuff. He's just a good old-fashioned ice hockey player. Nothing more, nothing less.

(About that picture: I can't be 100% sure that's him on the right, but I really, really want it to be. In any case, I know that guy's name is Eric Belanger. I mean, how many Eric Belanger's can there be?? Unfortunately the website was written in French Canadian, so...)

WILDS REPORT: Next up, the Calgary Flamers, tonight at the Saddledome - it's amazing that place is still around. Pavol Demitra is injured, some young kid named Cal Clutterbuck (not kidding) is filling in for him, Gaborik needs to score another goal, and Boogaard needs to throw a couple punches. All this solid defense and great goaltending is getting old. Hopefully, Jacques will loosen things up a bit tonight. Check out the Battle of Alberta for all things Flaming.

Brent Burns Still Sitting in LA Penalty Box

2007-10-18T07:39:00.000-06:00

The Wilds completed their first West Coast Road Show, going 2-0-1. They got wins against Phoenix and the Mighty Ducks and lost in a shootout against LA. Not a bad week...

Wilds Notables:

Wilds super-Finn goalie, Nik Backstrom, got worked in the shootout, getting scored on 3 straight times. Mike Russo tells us his shootout save percentage is lousy at .433. Ish.

Marion Gaborik (I challenge you to find a better picture of him!) finally scored a goal.

Brent Burns took 5 penalties against the Kings on Tuesday night. My lady-wife was shaming him from the couch, "Bad Burnsie!!! Bad, Bad, Bad!! Sit, Burnsie! No! Stay, Burnsie!!!" Jacques might have to rub his nose in it if Brent "Slobbery Frat Boy" Burns is going to learn to stay out of the box.

Speaking of staying out of the box (not that box, you pervs), the Wilds took 17 penalties in 2 games. If you're not sure, that's a lot of penalties. Luckily the penalty kill was nice!!! What wasn't nice?? The powerplay was really not nice. In fact, the Wilds powerplay is ranked 29th out of 30 teams. The Wilds have a paltry 4.5% conversion rate on the powerplay. Who's ahead of us? Atlanta with a blistering 7.7%. Yes, I'm talking about the Thrashers, the team without a win and who just fired their coach. So guys, how 'bout getting the powerplay together?? Jeezus.

(Sidenote: At one point during the broadcast on Tuesday, color commentator Mike Greenlay actually said: "They really need to get their PP going." Read that aloud to yourself a couple times.)

Finally, word on the street is that Jacques, miffed about all the penalties, is showing the above video in team meetings this week. If I'm not mistaken, this is the instructional video NHL Chief Doosh, Bettman, put out for the refs a couple years ago. That, or it's Brent "Slobbery Frat Boy" Burns playing with his toys again. You decide.

James Sheppard's Winter Boots

2007-10-12T08:26:00.000-06:00

Ahh, to be 19-year old Wilds rookie and rising star, James Sheppard. You just got a $85,000 check for signing your first NHL contract. (Oh and by the way, your first NHL contract is worth $2.29 million over 3 years.) You just played in your first NHL game. You didn't fall down coming out onto the ice. You didn't suck and you didn't get your ass kicked. In fact, you played pretty well. Life is GOOD.

But wait it gets better. Your mom flew to Minnesota all the way from Halifax, Nova Scotia (which is closer to Greenland than to St. Paul - I mean, probably) to watch your first NHL game. And because she's your mom, she packed up all the stuff you left in Nova Scotia because you were pretty sure you wouldn't make the team this year. She even packed your winter boots for you. In Mike Russo's StarTribune article, Mrs. Sheppard says:

"Try packing size-15 winter boots; it's quite the challenge."

This is why hockey is great. James Sheppard is making loads of money for a 19-year old kid. He could buy lots of stuff, including new winter boots. But, no. His mom insisted on bringing the winter boots. I can just hear it:

James Sheppard: Mom, I told you, you don't need to bring my winter boots. I can buy new ones!

James Sheppard's Mom: No, James. You're not going to waste your money on new winter boots when your old boots are perfectly fine!!

James Sheppard: But Mom, Keith Carney is going to --
James Sheppard's Mom: James, I won't hear another word about it! I'm bringing your winter boots.

In what other sport does this happen?

On another note, why does he even need winter boots? He's just going to be walking from the St. Paul Hotel to the Xcel or from the charter plane to the charter bus to the nice, downtown team hotel. Right? But that's why hockey's great. These guys (and their moms, apparently) never shake their blue collar, utilitarian, practical upbringing. I guess that's what happens when you grow up in Halifax or say, Regina. Seriously, say it: Regina. Ahahaahaha.

WILDS UPDATE: The Wilds are taking a West Coast roadtrip. Phoenix on Saturday. Mighty Ducks on Sunday (watch out Brad May - Bounty's on your head this time, D-bag). Kings on Tuesday. The big question: Will Marion Gaborik score a goal this season?

Little PMB, you better have a good explanation for this...

2007-10-09T15:15:00.000-06:00

As my lady-wife and I watched Adam Foote blast a slapshot over Nick Backstrom's glove in last Saturday's Wilds game, she turned to me and asked, "How do hockey players pick their numbers?" Being an asute sports fan, she knows that in sports like football the numbers players can wear are dictated by the position they play. (For example, offensive and defensive lineman have to wear big numbers like 66 and 98 because it makes them look less fat. Think how ridiculous those 300 pounders would look in, say, number 5? They'd just look extra fat.) Hockey's not lame like that, so players can wear any number they choose.

I told her that, in hockey, number selection all depends on the situation. In my usual longwinded, know-it-all fashion I explained, "For instance, Gretzky wore 99 because his favorite number, 9, was taken when he started out in Juniors. Same with Ray Bourque. He gave up his fav number 7 to Phil Esposito and switched to 77. Some players have better reasons than others. Jaromir Jagr wears number 68 - in honor of the year 1968 when a bunch of political stuff happened in Czechland and the year of his grandfather's death. Others choose the year of their birth, like Sid Crosby number 87. Then you also have guys like Rick Nash who reverse their number. His fav number was 16, but it also was taken in Juniors. So he decided on 61, the number he wears today. See." (I pointed at Nash skating by.)

Without missing a beat, my lady-wife turned to me and said, "So Pierre Marc-Bouchard's favorite number is 69?" (She pointed at Little PMB skating by.)

I swear that is a true story.

Sidenote: Seriously, is "69" Little PMB's favorite number?? God, I hope so.

The Glory that is Pierre Marc-Bouchard

2007-10-08T11:15:00.000-06:00

You probably remember how Little PMB got the shaft in last year's Lady Byng Trophy voting. You don't remember that? Weird. (Click here for a Casual Hockey refresher on the Lady Byng Trophy.) He came in 5th place behind Pavol Datsyuk, Martin St. Louis, Joe Sakic, and Jay Pandolfo. I just don't believe that Little PMB is less of a pussy than those guys. I mean just look at that adolescent face! Just a little baby!

In any case, it will thrill you all to know that, after 2 games, Little PMB is on pace for an astonishing 82 goals this season!!! Amazing! Wait, there's more. Little PMB already has 4 penalty minutes. That ties him for 3rd most on the team and only 3 PIMs fewer than Mr. Boogaard! Little PMB had only 14 penalty minutes in all of last season!! He's turning into a goddamn goon out there. Pretty soon, it's going to be Mr. Boogaard and his deputy, Little PMB, patrolling the ice. The rest of the NHL best be prepared! Little PMB probably isn't going to take your shit anymore, Chris Pronger.

Sidenote: By my calculations, Gaborik is on pace for umm...0 goals this season. So let's hope he turns it around real quick.

The Wilds Update: Strong start for Minnesota's favorite NHL team. The Wilds started the season with an amazingly dull 1-0 win against the Blackhawks. Although Boogaard did have a tough scrap with Hawks' goon, David Koci. Then the Wilds followed up with a nice win against the Columbus Blue Jackets, 3-2. (I have to say, Sergei Federov looked awfully old. Aahhh, the good old days...) Next up: The Oilers. Wednesday.

Wild Stanley Cup Parade Scheduled for June 14, 2008!

2007-10-04T09:20:00.000-06:00

That's right peoples. Prepare for a Mardi Gras-like celebration when the Wilds drive the Stanely Cup down Nicollet Mall next June. It's gonna be crazy! The Wilds take the first step toward Stanley Cup immortality with the season-opener against the Blackhawks tonight.

In lieu of a season preview from Casual Hockey, here's what the "experts" and bloggers are saying about this year's Minnesota Wilds.

John Buccigross of ESPN says:

"The Wild are on the cusp of Stanley Cup success. They continue to build brick by brick. We'll have to see if those bricks help the Wild get better or stay the same."

Rank: 5th in the West

TSN Canada (the ESPN of the Great White Northland) says:

"If the blueliners as a whole can improve their contribution to the offence, the Wild should be in better shape. Backstrom is this year's version of Montreal's Cristobal Huet - he was spectacular with half a season under his belt, and all eyes will be on him to carry a full load this season."

Rank: 4th in the West

Note: Who is Cristobal Huet?

James Mirtle (reporter for the Toronto Globe & Mail) says:

"Minnesota also has its youngsters all about to breakout, as their drafting in the early years is just about to pay off with players like Pierre-Marc Bouchard, Mikko Koivu and Brent Burns (who was incredible in preseason). Gaborik easily breaks the 100-point barrier with a healthy season."

Rank: 3rd in the West

And finally, Sportsquee. Squee's Wild preview is a little, umm...less conventional. But fantastic nonetheless. Squee says:

"The Wild aren't that cute. They aren't freaks or anything, but not the kinds of dudes who are going to give you the vapors. We'll open with Brian Rolston, who seems to be the closest the Wild have to an older heartthrob. Now, I have no idea why Brian Rolston chooses to have his chin look like a porn star's vagina, but if you can look past that landing strip soul patch thing, he's a nice-looking man."

Rank: Unranked (as far as I can tell)

Note: Sportsquee team previews are absolutely worth reading. She has an exceptional piece on the Calgary Flames, notably Dion Phaneuf. (Seriously, read this.)

Casual Hockey says:

The Wilds win the Cup, beating the New York Rangers in 6 games. You heard it here first. (Probably.)

Reason Number 349 to Hate the Mighty Ducks

2007-10-04T08:52:00.000-06:00

Corey Perry fights with his visor and helmet on. (Yes, this is the same Corey Perry whose ass was kicked by Brent "Slobbery Fratboy" Burns in last year's playoffs.) Watch Dallas Drake unsnap his chinstrap as Perry just punches him in the face without even thinking about taking off his helmet. Everyone knows that if you wear a visor and you fight, you take off your helmet. It's just the rule. How in the hell is Drake going to land any good punches with that fucking visor on??? This is why Don Cherry hates visors. Because the guys that wear them are generally pussies. You heard it here, Corey Perry is a doosh.

NHL Executives...Still Sucking...

2007-10-02T07:44:00.000-06:00

Maybe you didn't know this, but the NHL front office is full of geniuses. Let's highlight their brilliance since the lockout ended:

1. Versus - Remember the lockout, when there was no hockey for an entire year? And then, remember when the NHL told ESPN to suck it and put the games on the Versus channel so no one would watch? That didn't work out too good. On Versus, formerly the Outdoor Life Channel (OLN), programming is still dominated by duck hunters, triathletes, and Ted Nugent. And luckily, it's still on channel 174. So even if you wanted to watch hockey, you'd have to find the fucking channel in the deep, dark depths of cable TV hell. On the plus side: Versus did catch Snoop Dog at a playoff game last year.

Result? Possibly the worst decision of any major sports league. Ever. Word on the street is the NHL is crawling back to ESPN.

2. Schedule - In another brilliant post-lockout move, the NHL decided everyone would be better off if teams play half their games against divisional opponents and only 10 games against teams in the other conference. The idea was that increasing the number games against divisional opponents would create rivalries or something. Well, that was a terrible idea because mostly it just looked like the teams grew tired of seeing each other out there. I actually heard some kid whine to his dad, "But daddy, I don't want to watch the Oilers again!"

Result? Bettman and the rest of the owners decided that was a pretty bad idea and changed back to the old schedule.

3. New Jerseys - During last year's all-star weekend (which included musical groups Robert Randolph & the Family Band, The Wreckers, and The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. I'm serious.) the NHL and Reebok unveiled fancy new jerseys that are supposed to make the players lighter and faster and better or something. By the way, isn't that the same marketing campaign as the Reebok Pump sneaker? Instead, they sure came up with some ugly jerseys for this season. Check them all out here.

Result? The jerseys are ripping during fights. Derek Boogaard is kind of pissed about it too, because they enable him to actually kill people (which could possibly warrant a suspension longer than 5 games). You know, instead of just collapsing people's skulls, like what happened to Todd Fedoruk - (this is from Wiki: "Fedoruk...had titanium plates permanently embedded into his face" after fighting Boogaard). As Boogaard eloquently said:

"Oh well. If somebody gets hurt, it's Reebok's fault. They're the ones that told us it wasn't going to rip."

You hear that Gary? Boogaard doesn't care if he kills people. It's Reebok's fault.

4. Season Opener in London - No, not London, Ontario. London, England. I still don't understand this from a marketing standpoint. Why do this? In England?? I have so many questions about this I almost can't handle it.

Result? I'm not talking about it anymore. Fuck.

Like I said, NHL fans are truly lucky to have such great stewards of the game. But honestly, you look back at some of these decisions and it makes you wonder who the hell is steering this ship.

In other news, the Wilds start the season on Thursday and my wife is really looking forward to seeing Burns and Rolston on the ice together. What a perv.

Preseason brawls; DiPietro tugs on it in the crease

2007-09-25T08:17:00.000-06:00

Everyone loves a good, old-fashioned hockey brawl. Especially, when the goalies go at it. The brawl in the clip above is from last night's Islanders/Rangers game. Oh yeah, and it's still the preseason. Who said the preseason doesn't mean anything? Honestly.

You know it's hockey season when quotes like this start showing up in the New York Times, "Orr fought Kip Brennan, and Hollweg and Simon tangled. Rangers forward Jason Strudwick, who fought Brennan in the first period, jumped Simon." Talk about a clusterfuck. And speaking of clusterfucks, if you read the AP story about the brawl, you might have wondered if you were actually reading about some hot homoerotic action, rather than, say, a hockey game. These are real quotes from the article:

"Simon charged Hollweg from behind..."

"Jeremy Colliton and Andy Hilbert...drifted toward DiPietro's crease."

"DiPietro grabbed Strudwick from behind and gave several tugs..."

"Strudwick fell on Hilbert, and DiPietro kept pulling..."

"The two came together...jawed, and exchanged stick jabs."

Am I immature and sophomoric in my humor? Probably. But, I didn't write that shit. I mean, I guess this is the "new" NHL and everything. Maybe the NHL is the gay man's answer to the WNBA. Maybe this all a part of Gary Bettman's master plan...

Also, the Wilds win 2-1 over Buffalo, in a game played in beautiful Grand Forks, North Dakota.

Reason Number 237 to Hate the Mighty Ducks

2007-09-24T14:25:00.000-06:00

Ryan Getzlaf, Center, Mighty Ducks of Anahiem.
Stanley Cup Champion at age 22.

So naturally, what's the first thing you do? You take it back to Regina and pose under a goddamn waterfall?? In that electric blue shirt?? Are you serious?

This picture is Canada's take on Glamour Shots. (Remember Glamour Shots? Yikes.) Doesn't he have a handler or something? Someone to say, "Um, Ryan. Posing for that picture. Yeah, not a good idea." Or, "Hey Ryan. You know, there's no assurance you're going to win the Cup again, so you might not want to look like a total doosh in those pictures you're taking. Just FYI." Apparently not. I blame this on Gary Bettman.

In other news, the Wilds first game is only 10 days away...

Brent Burns fights when you tell him to fight and not a moment sooner

2007-09-18T13:01:00.000-06:00

Above, please fondly remember the highlight of the 2007 NHL Playoffs: a boyish Brent Burns repeatedly punching a Mighty Ducks d-bag in the face. This season, Burns is the Wild's great hope on the blueline since Keith Carney is bound to have a hip replacement surgery (or two) sometime in the next 6 months. Burns also has a habit of showing up in my wife's dreams, along with Brian Rolston. She describes him as a "slobbering frat boy," which I guess is a compliment. Right?

Anyway thanks to a great feature from Wild beatwriter, Mike Russo, we learn that Brent Burns was actually a little bit of a pussy before he beat up Chris Kunitz in the clip above. Also, his dad, mom, and pretty much all his pals back in Ajax, Ontario thought he was being kind of a pussy too. From Russo's story:

"For years, Burns' father told him it was time to fight. Burns' buddies back home always made fun of him for not dropping his gloves."

(Coincidentally, this is straight from the movie "Youngblood" where Rob Lowe plays this prima donna who won't fight and doesn't get any respect from his teammates, coach, or even his dad. So Youngblood's dad has to teach him to fight and then he fights the goon, Carl Racki, after he scores the game winner on a penalty shot. So, it's a pretty complex plot.)

Back to Brent Burns. After he fights Kunitz, Burns decides that he probably better fight Corey Perry two games later, just for good measure. You can see that fight here. So, everyone is thinking, "Wow. What's gotten into Burns? He's a tough guy now?" But as it turns out, Burns only fought Perry because some guy in the stands told him to. From Russo:

"I only dropped the gloves because a guy in the second row yelled, 'Fight him! Fight him!" Burns said.

Well that's good to hear. Because whenever I'm at a game it doesn't seem like the players are listening to me. (Like when I yelled at Ozzie Guillen that he was a doosh as he was walking to the dugout. Amazingly, he didn't even acknowledge me.) But rest assured, Brent Burns is listening! And even better, he'll actually do what you tell him. So I hope all Wild fans will make a point of yelling, "Fight him!!! Fight him!!" whenever he's on the ice this season.

"I should have done this my first year. It took me four years to drop my purse." Burns said.

I don't really understand what that means, but I like it a whole lot.

Jim Souhan: "Sports Columnist", Lover of Similes

2007-09-14T10:08:00.000-06:00

Last week, Jim Souhan, a "sports columnist" for the Mpls StarTribune, wrote a piece about Wild players gathering a week before training camp to workout and get in shape. For those of you who don't know about Jim Souhan, he's the "funny" columnist. I guess. The gist of the article is that Wild players are really dedicated and hard working or something. Apparently, Souhan was really impressed that they got together and skated a whole week before training camp started .

I don't want to sound like a dick, but aren't these guys professional athletes? Isn't it sorta their job to, you know, workout and get in shape during the offseason? And be prepared for the season and stuff? Also, hasn't the Wild been on summer break since roughly April 19 when they were thoroughly handled by the Mighty Ducks? Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that like 4 1/2 months off? Oh wait, and what is the average NHL player salary these days? $1.5 million or more? Ooooh, that's a lot! But yeah, I'm really impressed those guys were knocking the rust off a week before training camp starts.

Maybe it was a slow news day or maybe Souhan just wanted to WOW readers with his witty similes. For example:

"The only season shorter than a Minnesota summer is the summer vacation of Minnesota's pro hockey players. The Wild begins formal training camp on Friday, but they've already sweated enough that the spartan locker room at Parade Ice Garden is starting to smell like an industrial-sized bag of Fritos."

I get naseauted reading that it's so awful. Also, a hockey locker room smells like Fritos. No, an industrial-sized bag of Fritos. What? Emm. What the fuck is he talking about? (Wait, how big is an "industrial-sized bag of Fritos"? Seriously, I can't even picture that.)

But here's the real gem. Souhan gets us rolling with this one, talking about Wes Walz and how he doesn't score a whole lot:

"He's an exceptional skater and fitness freak who has survived since his NHL debut in 1989 even though he scores about as often as a sports blogger."

OH! No you didn't, Souhan!! Another crazy simile!! Zing!!!

But seriously, are "sports bloggers" nerdy and lame? I guess I just don't understand the joke. "Sports bloggers" don't have sex? Really? (A better question, do "sports columnists" have sex? Tony Kornheiser?? Wow.) Is that the joke? I mean, I know blogs and websites and computers and general word processing are super hi-tech and everything, but what am I missing here?

More importantly, why a "sports" blogger? Why not a political blogger? Why not a sci-fi/fantasy blogger? What about some dude who has a Japanese animation fetish and writes a blog about it? Can't you argue that, as bloggers go, "sports bloggers" get the most ass? (By the way, I refuse to believe that you, Sid and Reusse are knocking them dead down at Dan Kelly's or wherever you guys go. I've seen some of those broads and...well, have fun with that.)

I guess what I'm saying is that the column you wrote is terrible. Fritos? Really??

The Brian Rolston Situation: Someone's Wife is Not Happy

2007-07-02T13:31:00.000-06:00

Wild fans! I apologize. It's been too long. After the Wild's game 5 loss to the Ducks I lost my muse - how could I not?? But then some wonderful reader posted a great comment. My muse returned.

Those of you who are long time readers of Casual Hockey will remember Rolston's visit to my bedroom (wow, that really sounds terrible) during last season's playoff run. In short, my new wife of 7 months had some kinky dream about Rolston. Apparently, he was a BIG part of the dream. Not to worry, we're still going strong. Brian Rolston might have a really hard slapshot and piles of money stashed away in his basement and come to think of it, he's probably in excellent physical condition, too. Point is, he's not going to ruin this marriage!

To my dismay, my lady pursued the Brian Rolston Situation (that's what we call it now) and after many hours of research on the internets she found credible information (Wikipedia is credible, right?) that Rolston was in fact divorced. (By the way, as you can read in the post, she was WAY too excited about this possibility. Then, inexplicably, she started in on Brent Burns. So now we have the Brent Burns Situation. This is my home life. It consumes me.)

And so, we come to July 2, 2007. More than two months after my last post. More than two months since I claimed Rolston was divorced. I get this comment from an "anonymous" reader:

Brian Rolston is not divorced. Someone must of edited [Wikipedia] because go back and it says he is married...he is not divorced, and I don't know why you care about this stuff.

-Anonymous

Then, "Anonymous" closed with, "My husband - er, I mean Brian Rolston is a happily married man. And if you EVER write anything to the contrary again , I will fucking kill you!" Ok, not really, but I'm pretty sure that Brian Rolston's wife left that first comment. Read it again. It's completely crazy. I love the, "I don't know why you care about this stuff" line. Yeah, I don't know why either. Umm, it's funny? Can that be a reason why?

In any case, you know you've made it to the big time when players' wives are reading your shit. But I feel for her, because if you google 'brian rolston's wife' check out the first thing that pops up. (Also, my blog muse is now officially named Mrs. Rolston. Thank you for making me write again. Readers, check back for more frequent updates.)

UPDATE: Rolston to continue bedroom visits with Brent Burns in tow

2007-04-25T13:29:00.000-06:00

Last week, my wife had a dream about Brian Rolston. Today at 2:27pm I get this email:

Subject: rolston

wikipedia says he's divorced!!!

Later, I get this email:

Subject: brent burns

brent burns is my new favorite. i'm going to have a dream about him, but it'll be a lot less refined than the dream about rolston. i mean, burns is a boy, rolston is a man. it'll be a slobbery frat boy flashback type dream.

Ummm...should I be worried about this? She's clearly way too excited about the fact that Rolston is divorced. Let's keep in mind that we've only been married about 8 months. (Is it too soon for marital strife?) At first it was funny, but isn't this taking it a little far? "Slobbery frat boy flashback type dream..." What is that supposed to mean?!? (Does "flashback" imply that she's had "slobbery frat boy" encounters in the past? Who is this woman???)

Recap: Original Mighty Ducks scratched in Game 5; Wild lose to real NHL players

2007-04-25T08:51:00.000-06:00

Game 5 is long over now. The Wild were thoroughly handled by the Ducks again. The one thing I can't get over is how boring it is to watch the Ducks play. With the exception of Ryan Getzlaf, Andy MacDonald, and Teemu this team is a bore. If I see Chris Pronger score one more power play goal, I might throw up all over myself.

Despite the quick exit, we did learn a few things about the Wild and the NHL:

1. Brent Burns will fight you and giggle about it afterward.

2. Scoring goals will help you win playoff games. Scoring power play goals is also important. Wild power play % - 7.4 (ranked 14 out of 16 playoff teams). Anaheim power play % - 26.3 (ranked 1 out of 16). Interesting. Maybe we should work on the power play during the offseason.

3. This will get you a 3 game suspension. This will get you a 5 game suspension. This is the movie Slapshot (a must see if you are to understand the NHL's new marketing campaign). Readers, behold, the new NHL.

Brian Rolston paid a visit to my bedroom and I didn't even get an autograph

2007-04-19T08:17:00.000-06:00

This morning I wake up and my wife rolls over and says, "Oh, I had the weirdest dream last night!" She's sort of giggly and smilely while she says this, so immediately I'm wondering what the hell she's going to tell me. Then she says with an even bigger smile, "I dreamt I was making out with Brian Rolston!!" She's clearly very excited about this. I ask her what "making out" means. She says, "You know, making out! Just a little fun. It was nothing serious."

Nothing serious? A little FUN??? What does that even mean? She's fantasizing about an actual person! It's not as if she's having a dream about some nameless, faceless dude. (Although that makes me wonder, is it worse if the dude is nameless and faceless because that implies some kind of unfillable void in your relationship? Or is it worse if it's an actual human because then there's an actual possibility of it happening? And if the latter is worse, should I be constantly worried about this? For example, when my wife says she's going to "run an errand," what kind of errand is she running??) If it's going to be a real person, I'd much rather it be a professional hockey player as opposed to, say, some guy I work with. That would just be creepy and awful.

Generally, it's not a good sign if your wife is having dreams or fantasies about other men...I'm told. But in this case, I wonder if it's a good omen, it being game day and all. I mean if my wife's dream about "making out" with Brian Rolston helps the Wild win tonight, I'm all for it. Plus, if she's going to "make out" with someone on the Wild it might as well be Rolston - solid player, nice enough guy, etc. If she fantasized about the following guys, I'd be pissed/worried:

Little PMB - He looks like he's 13. That would just be weird.

Pavol Demitra - He's got that unusual Eastern Euro thing going on and I find it a bit disconcerting. A guy like that should never be in your wife's dreams.

Boogaard - I think it's obvious why. I'm pretty sure Boogaard would put me to shame...that's all I'm going to say.

Marian Gaborik - You'll have to click the link to see what I'm talking about. Seriously.

I'm not really sure how to wrap this up. It's sorta weird my wife has a thing for Rolston, but it's also sorta awesome. I think he gets two tonight in a Wild victory. But if she asks me to grow a soul patch, I'll know this whole thing has gone a bit too far.

Wild win; postpone inevitable until Thursday

2007-04-18T13:27:00.000-06:00

Wow. That game was almost too fun to watch, if that's possible. After getting thoroughly handled for 3 straight games, the Wild stormed back and put the jackhammer on the Mighty Ducks in a 4-1 win. About halfway through the third, I was convinced Anaheim was just going to stop playing and give up - something about ruffled feathers....

There were so many fantastic things happening in this game, I'll just give you a few choice highlights:

Newsflash! Brad May is Still a Dick - (Yep, I meant to say dick not duck.) Brad May, chief Ducks douchebag, sucker-punched Kim Johnsson, knocking him out. Let's keep in mind that, according to hockeyfights.com, Johnsson has never been in an NHL fight. So, three cheers for Brad May!!! He knocked out a defenseless Swede. And former North Stars coach, Glen Sonmor, had just finished telling us that the Swedes are a bunch of pussies! Oh, Brad, please read the blog more often.

No one should be surprised by his actions, though. He was at the center of the Todd Bertuzzi incident in 2003. At the time, Brad actually told the press there was a bounty on Steve Moore's head, all but assuring there would be retaliation for Moore's hit on Markus Naslund in an earlier game. Interestingly, Brad didn't want to comment about the sucker-punch after the game. Brad May is one classy guy, what else can you say? (You guys know that when I write classy I mean douchebag, right?)

Brent Burns Probably Wants to Fight You - After scrapping for the first time just a few nights ago, Burns was at it again last night. This time the victim was Corey Perry. Check it out here. What's hard to see in the video is that afterward Burns was so clearly excited, almost giddy, about fighting for the second time in his career. He had a grin on his face all the way to penalty box. The guy is like a big, dumb puppy. When he got out of the box, I thought I saw Jacques pat him on on the head and say, "Who's a good boy?!? GOOD BOY!!!" If Burns had a tail, it would be endlessly wagging.

Mighty Ducks Looking for New Strategy; Flying V an Option - Even if it was just for one night, the Wild made the Mighty Ducks look soft and uncertain. We'll see how tomorrow's game turns out. One thing is for sure, the Mighty Ducks do not want to come back to St. Paul for game 6 - not after what happened last night.

Stanley Cup parade likely postponed; Unused ticker tape to be burned in a heap at center ice

2007-04-16T13:29:00.000-06:00

Hmmm. What to say.... Ah. Fuh - eh. Well, ... uh. Sigh.

That about sums it up. The Wild are down 3 - 0 to the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim. It's a sad day in St. Paul and it won't get much better come Tuesday, either. Last night, the Ducks put the old Double Underhook Suplex move on the Wild in a 2-1 win (see pic at left). The game was fun to watch for about 7 minutes in the second period. I'm sure Ducks fans would agree, this has been the dullest series in many, many moons. Moreover, the Wild look like the worst team in the playoffs. So, at least we've got that going for us.

The worst part about this is that I'm getting comments from Ducks fans saying stuff like, "Nice prediction, bud." Yeah, Ducks fans are calling me "Bud." Humiliating.

Wild Stanley Cup parade set for June 10!

2007-04-11T07:41:00.000-06:00

Tonight at 9:30pm, we will begin to see the dismantling of the Anaheim Mighty Ducks. That's right, even though the so-called "experts" are picking the Ducks to win the series, I think we'll see the Wild dominate from start to finish. Why? Let's start with the intangibles:

Moral Character and Integrity:

The Ducks are cheaters. Just last week the Ducks' leading scorer, Teemu Selanne, was penalized for using an illegal stick. Apparently, the blade of the stick was as wide as a goalie stick. If you don't know, that's pretty wide. (Selanne then went on miss his shootout chance with a regulation stick.) Those Finns are always trying to get the upper-hand! This is the perfect mindfuck for Selanne right before the playoffs, I predict he won't be nearly as effective using a legal stick.

Speaking of cheaters, I think we all remember why Ducks' all-world defenseman, Chris Pronger, is playing in Anaheim this year. Last season, Pronger helped the Edmonton Oilers all the way to the Stanley Cup Finals. Oilers lost and Pronger suddenly wanted out of Edmonton. Word on the sunny streets of Edmonton was that Pronger cheated on his wife and knocked up a local tv anchorwoman. So his wife wanted to get the hell out of there. It could also be that living in Edmonton kind of sucks and his wife wanted live in LA. You can decide for yourself.

The Wild on the other hand, they have a good moral compass. Well, except for that time Boogaard got arrested for punching some guy in a bar last summer. But still, you're not a cheater for getting in a bar fight. Right? Also, Little PMB is probably going to win the Lady Byng.

Advantage: Wild - Everyone knows cheaters never win.

Goaltending

Nobody is worried about the Wild in this department. Nick Backstrom led the NHL in all sorts of goalie stat categories. He should be solid in the playoffs.

Anaheim, though, should be worried. Number one goalie, Johnny Giguere, just had his first kid and took some time off last week. I'm told fatherhood turns you into a little bit of a pussy. No doubt, his mental focus will be lacking. (UPDATE: Johnny's new kid is sick, so let's not be too hard on the guy. Word is he won't start game 1.) Backup goalie, Ilya Bryzgalov, played in a number of playoff games last season. His last game was brutal, though. He gave up 3 goals in 2 minutes against the Oilers and was yanked. Here's a great reenactment. (Seriously, this is great. Click it. "Closing the door, not pissing pants. Closing the door...oh no.")

Advantage: Wild

Tough Guys

The experts keep talking about how tough and physical the Ducks are. If I remember correctly, the last time anyone from the Ducks scrapped with Boogaard, the Ducks guy literally had his face broken, didn't play another game for the Ducks, was traded to Philly only to be knocked out again weeks later, and now may never play in the NHL again. Of course, I'm talking about Todd Fedoruk, watch Boogaard break his head here. Can we stop talking about how tough the Ducks are now? Please? Boogaard patrols the ice for the Wild.

Advantage: Wild

Playoff Beards

It'll be interesting to see how this category plays out. For example, how will Brian Rolston incorporate his soulpatch into the playoff beard? Can Little PMB even grow a beard? And what about Marian Gaborik's chin/neck hair, does that count? All good questions. I'll be monitoring.

For Ducks, they've got some Greek guy with a great 70's mustache. Top-notch defender, Scott Niedermayer, always grows a nice playoff beard.

Advantage: Push

Prediction

After crunching the numbers and researching for hours, it's clear to me now:

Wild win in 5.

Casual Hockey does radio: Dark Star, Bloggers, and Glen Sonmor

2007-04-10T07:39:00.000-06:00

Peoples! It seems Casual Hockey is catching on with the rest of the world! As, no doubt, many of you heard last night , I was interviewed on Dark Star's Sports Night radio show on WCCO 830. I was on with an Anaheim Ducks blogger, Finny, who writes "Girl with a Puck". The idea was that Finny and I would have a friendly debate about Wild's first-round playoff matchup with Anaheim. (The "debate" was moderated by Dark Star. Listen, don't ask me why he calls himself that. My guess is he really really likes the Grateful Dead).

This is how Dark Star introduced the segment: "Ok, I've got the bloggers with me!" I'm sure listeners were thrilled when they heard that. I would have preferred this, "Ok, I've got a couple random people who write about their respective hockey clubs on the internets...." The best part about his opening line is that our segment was following Dark Star's interview with Glen Sonmor, former North Stars coach. So, one minute listeners are hearing a Minnesota hockey legend/expert discussing the great players of the 1966-67 Toronto Maple Leafs and the next they're hearing a couple of "bloggers" dissect the Wild playoff matchup. This is why sportsradio is the best.

Sidenote: I'm not actually certain why Sonmor was talking about the '66 Leafs. I'm pretty sure he was on the air to talk about the Wild. I think he's just getting old and all the years and teams sort of blend together. He started off talking about the Wild, but somehow he finished with the Leafs. Also, he basically said that the Swedes in the 1960's were a bunch of pussies. That's why I can't wait to be an old man. You can say stuff like that and it's hilarious.

In any case, on to the debate. Dark Star was immediately enamored with Finny's voice, presumably because she's a woman and there aren't a lot of women on that show. (He also asked her if she had any pictures of herself on the blog. Hey, I don't judge, I just report the facts.) Apparently, my radio voice isn't as sexy because I received no creepy compliments from Dark Star - so that's too bad. Anyway, I was at a disadvantage from the start.

Finny and I exchanged a few jabs. I predicted the Wild would win the series in 5 games. (I'll give you more specifics on my prediction and comments on the show in the next post.) Finny was much more diplomatic saying the teams were evenly matched. In the end, Dark Star claimed Finny was the winner of the debate. Obviously, I take issue with that. He clearly had a thing for her and didn't want to be rude to the out of town guest. So, Finny, that's "Minnesota Nice" for you!

Anyway, I was hoping at worst I'd get a free t-shirt for being on the show and at best I'd get playoff tickets. Not sure why I thought that, but I was really disappointed when the segment ended and my phone line went dead and I got nothing. That was it. To make it worse, they didn't even plug the blog! Eeeeeesh. I need to write up a contract or something. But now that I've got radio experience, sky's the limit. Casual Hockey, coming to a TV near you! Probably.

Club hockey is the best hockey

2007-04-06T09:11:00.000-06:00

Because I'm not about to discuss last night's Frozen Four semifinal, a game North Dakota would have, should have won if not for head ref Matt Shegos and his whistle happy shit. But I will speak no more of that game here. I'd rather talk about University of Kentucky Hockey. Now this is a team I can get behind. Kentucky is not a D-I team, it's not even a D-III team. It's a Division II Club team (i.e. not a even D-I club team). Club hockey means that most of the players are pretty bad and they drink a lot of beer, etc. I think we can imagine what club hockey in Kentucky is like. However, it seems the UK team has something special going on.

You can see in the pic above, that's Tara Conner, last year's Miss USA. (Although, I think she was reprimanded by Donnie Trump for being drunk and slutty.) In any case, she's wearing her tiara (note: her tiara is not unlike the one Little PMB would get for winning the Lady Byng Trophy...I'm told.). She's also wearing a hockey jersey minus her pants - I'm a big fan of this look. Honestly, who isn't?

The big question here is how in the hell the Kentucky club hockey team managed to get Miss USA on their poster. If you look closely at the poster, you'll see that this is a team whose home games start at midnight. My guess is that their big rivalry game is against Tennessee. Remember this is hockey, not basketball or football. I'm sure there's nothing quite like the Kentucky/Tennessee club hockey game...at midnight. Seriously, I'm certain there's nothing like it - anywhere.

But the question remains, how is Miss USA on this poster? Is she just a really big fan of Kentucky club hockey? As it turns out, lots of hot girls are really big fans of UK club hockey, (particularly Ashley Judd in 1998-99!). This is just one reason why hockey is great.

So, way to go Kentucky club hockey! You obviously know how to market your team and your women, even if you don't know how to skate or shoot or the rules of the game in general. Oh and also, Matt Shegos you can suck it, you ruined my week.

Wild decide to start trying

2007-04-04T10:28:00.000-06:00

WILD UPDATE: The Wild finally got a win last night, beating Edmonton 3-0. To be honest, they looked pretty bad in the first period. Of course, a couple scraps got the crowd on their feet. Boogaard squared off with Zach Stortini, who incidentally has got to be one of the biggest, dumbest, ugliest goons in the NHL. That guy wanted to fight everyone on the ice last night. Check out the fight below. (It never ceases to amaze me how you can find just about every fight in the NHL from the night before on YOUTUBE.)

This fight was particularly good because it looked like a couple of giant meatheads dancing around on the ice making out. After the fight, even Boogaard said, "I thought he was trying to kiss me." Also, note the classy move by Stortini at the end trying to grab Boogaard's leg in desperation.

Playoff Preview to come this weekend.

Little PMB lacks grit; may win roses, tiara

2007-03-30T08:06:00.000-06:00

In my last post, I decided that if I had to hockey fight someone in the NHL it would be Little Pierre Marc Bouchard. Well, it turns out I picked the right guy because Little PMB is one of the top candidates for the Lady Byng Trophy! For those of you who don't know, the Lady Byng Trophy is awarded to the league's most sportsmanlike player. Generally it goes to a guy with the most points and fewest PIMs. (Sidenote: I'm not sure the Lady Byng is actually a trophy. I think at the NHL Awards Ceremony they just give the winner a bunch of roses and a tiara. I could be wrong about this.)

Now, I don't want to say it's given to the league's biggest pussy, but...well, Mike Russo, the Wild beat writer, basically said as much. Russo wrote, "Sometimes there's a negative connotation surrounding the Lady Byng Trophy because the stereotype is the hardware goes to a player who lacks, well, grit." (I believe I scooped Russo on this story. My thorough analysis of Little PMB's lack of gritty play was obviously the main source for his story.)

Little PMB confirmed his pussiness (that's a word, right?), saying, "I'm not going to get any PIM's for hitting too much. I'm not going to get called for elbowing or charging or hitting from behind." Yeah, I mean, why would he want to hit guys and stuff like that, he's just a hockey player.

Anyway, this story just confirms that I made the right choice in hockey fighting Little PMB. Actually, I think the NHL ought to change the criteria for the Lady Byng from "most gentlemanly conduct and outstanding skill" to simply "player the average guy would most willingly hockey fight."

I just want to reiterate that I would still probably get dominated by Little PMB in a hockey fight. So, Little PMB, if you're reading this - you win, I lose. No hard feelings, right? Oh and one more thing, nice effort last night in a 4-2 loss to Calgary.

Read IT: Mike Russo's Star Trib story on Little PMB

Who would YOU hockey fight?

2007-03-26T14:26:00.000-06:00

Maybe you've had this conversation while watching a hockey game:

You: I HATE that guy! He's such a dirty little bitch! He's gonna get his ass kicked if he's not careful.

Wife/Ladyfriend/Partner (hey, we don't discriminate at Casual Hockey): Yeah, that guy is cheap. (Pause and silence. It's obvious she's thinking about something carefully. And then...) Do you think you could beat that guy in a fight?

My wife and I have had this talk no fewer than a dozen times. It's hard to say what the motive is behind this question. She could be asking an honest question, which implies she actually thinks I have a chance in hell fighting an NHL player. More likely, it's a backhanded attempt at calling me out for all my shit-talking, "You call that guy a little bitch, but he'd actually kill you in a hockey fight."

So, I try to put all sorts of conditions in on the fight, like, "If it was late in the game and the guy was at the end of a long shift, and he was blindfolded with one arm tied behind his back. Yeah. Then I could probably beat him in a fight." But generally, I'm pretty quick to say I'd get absolutely killed in a fight with a NHLer.

But that got me thinking. There have to be a few players in the league I could hang in there with. (Probably. I mean, right?).

Remember this is a hockey fight not a street fight. So that automatically gives me hope. In any case, this is the criteria you should use if you're interested in hockey fighting an NHLer:

He should be smaller than you. Reach and size are a big advantage in a hockey fight.

He should be European or French-Canadian. Look, I don't mean to offend, but I'm not going to fight some guy from Alberta who spent his summers loading grain trucks or something. Guys like that aren't soft. Guys from socialist Sweden are soft.
He should average less than 30 PIMs per season and preferably never been in a fight in the NHL. A player averaging less than 30 PIMs is a skilled guy and its safe to say never mixes it up. His penalties are probably due to tripping or holding or some shit like that.
Under no circumstances should you fight a defenseman. Defenseman are too tough and crafty. They know how to grind in the corners and battle in front of the net. They also know all of the dirtiest tricks in the book. Take Chris Chelios. Would I fight that guy even though he's almost 63? No way. I wouldn't even glance at him.

So after taking all those things into account, I came up with the list below. (Let's get this out of the way. I'm about 5'10" and a deuce. I'm not particularly tough and I have pretty short arms. How do you like my chances?)

Alexi Yashin (Honorable Mention) - I thought Yashin would be the perfect guy to fight because he's the quintessential lazy Russian offensive player. He's not a physical player and averages just over 30 PIMs a season. He doesn't like to play defense (he's a career -81). You watch him play and you just know he's soft. Plus, a lot of people regard him as a doooosh, which I agree with. Plus plus, he wears a turtleneck when he plays (see pic). This fact alone almost convinced me I could take him.

The problem is twofold. First, he's 6'3" and 220, a significant size advantage over me. Second, I'm certain he has ties to the Russian mafia. I just don't want to get involved in any action like that. And if he beat me in a fight, eveyone would say, "You lost to a guy that wears a turtleneck." Then they'd shake their heads and say, "Get out of my sight!" And if he happened to break his hand on my face the Russian mafia would NOT be happy. I'd probably be shot after getting my ass kicked by Alexi Yashin. So, as you can see, it's lose-lose with Yashin.

Kristian Huselius (Honorable Mention) - I also briefly considered this guy. He plays for the Calgary Flames and not Team McDonalds as the pic indicates. Mostly, I considered this guy because of the picture. That and he's a Swede and he has no chin. Just look at him. Someone ought to fight him. Right?

Sedin Twins (Honorable Mention) - Just watch this. Please.

"Little" Pierre-Marc Bouchard (WINNER!) - This was a tough choice as PMB plays for the Wild. And I like the way he plays. But after crunching the numbers, PMB was the only logical choice. Here's the thing. He fits all of my NHL hockey fighting criteria. He's listed at 5'10" and 170lbs, which means he's more like 5'8" and 150. I can handle that. He has averaged about 20 PIMs a season, so he's not an aggressive player. I highly doubt he's been in a fight ever. And he's French-Canadian, which means he probably wasn't loading grain trucks in Alberta as a kid. Also, if you look at his picture, he just looks like a nice little guy. My wife calls him "Little PMB" and obviously this inspires confidence in me.

So that's it. I would drop the gloves with PMB. (Does it count if I pull a Matt Cooke and turtle right away?)

2007-03-26T08:54:00.000-06:00

You heard it here first that ex-Rangers goalie, Mike Richter, was considering running for US Congress. Unfortunately, Mike has decided not to run. This is a real shame for lots of reasons. Mostly, I'm disappointed because there was so much potential for hilarious comedy. I had my hopes set on Mike being sworn in wearing his goalie pads and Team USA uniform.

Read IT: Mike Richter drops the gloves with Congress

Mindfuck no match for Derek Boogaard

2007-03-23T08:13:00.000-06:00

Andy Murray tried to stick Derek Boogaard in the mind after Thursday night's game. In the game, Boogaard dominated St. Louis tough guy, DJ King, in a third period scrap and propelled the Wild to a 5-1 victory. After the game, Murray questioned Boogaard's effectiveness:

"He never plays! The guy's got to be on the ice to have an effect and he has no effect on the game. He doesn't play! Boogaard wouldn't get into our heads! I wish they'd play Boogaard more. If they would play him more, we'd like that. Tell Derek I'm a fan of his. I want him to play more!" Read the whole story here.

St. Louis enforcer, DJ King, was less enthusiastic about Boogaard playing more, "Next time, Andy Murray can fight him." Later, Murray conceded there was that one time when Boogaard got into his team's head and that was when the toughest guy on the Blues was punched repeatedly in the face by Boogaard.

Boogaard seemed saddened by Murray's comments, but unfazed. "I can't play? I don't affect the game? I mean, you know, that's his opinion, I guess," he said with a pouty lip. A Wild staff member then led Boogaard away on a leash and put him back in his cage until the next game.

Sidenote: Also, in shocking news, Boogaard said he would like to see more fighting at the end of games.

Todd Fedoruk gets punched in the face...hard

2007-03-22T09:02:00.000-06:00

Another NHL game, another guy knocked out and lying in a pool of his own blood (ok, there was no pool of blood). This time it was Todd Fedoruk of the Flyers. He and Rangers tough guy, Colton Orr, squared off in a heavyweight match-up that took place 20 seconds into the game. That seems awfully quick. Hmmmm.

In their last match-up, Orr and the Rangers felt Fedoruk "took liberties" with Rangers players when Orr was out of the lineup. (Sounds oddly sexual, I know.) You see, peoples, Colton Orr is a goon (Fedoruk is a goon, too). He commands respect when he's on the ice. He keeps the dirty, physical stuff to a minimum. When he's scratched or not playing, the other team's tough guy might take advantage of the situation. Otherwise known as "taking liberties" - are we getting it??

Isn't that why we have referees, you ask? Hey! What is this basketball??? The players "police themselves," which, in theory, actually leads to less fighting/pools of blood and more scoring (to paraphrase Dale Hunter, Marty McSorely, and Todd Bertuzzi). In any case, Orr decided that Fedoruk needed to be "held accountable" for his actions that night. Hence, the fight.

Don't worry, though. Todd was okay.

"I'm a little sore but I'm fine right now. I remember everything. I looked at him and he said, 'Let's go.' He knocked me out on the way down. When I got off the ice I woke up. I guess I got my bell rung.''

Well, he didn't remember everything. Rangers doc, Claude Macaluso said, "He is having some problems with short-term memory, but other than that he is great."

Yeah, and other than the fact that he can't remember his wife's name, what he ate for dinner, and how to tie his shoes, he's doing GREAT. Also, although he doesn't remember the team he plays for, he did seem to recognize the team colors and jersey logo. So the Flyers expect him to return soon.

Gary Bettman said he hadn't heard about the incident as he was busy working out the details of the league's new TV deal with the Food Network.

Just for a second, just to see how it feels

2007-03-20T10:17:00.000-06:00

That's Hayden Panettiere. Apparently, she's one of the stars of the tv show "Heroes". More importantly, she's licking Lord Stanley's Cup. (That's obviously one of the finest sentences I've ever written.)

Just when you think Gary Bettman is irreversibly incompetent, he goes and does something like this. And totally redeems himself! Well, not totally. But that was a pretty good idea. I'll have to see the Cup involved in something a bit more pornographic before I forgive him for inking that Versus deal.

Thoughts about who you'd like to see licking Lord Stanley's Cup? This could get interesting...

Fighting Gary Bettman

2007-03-20T08:20:00.000-06:00

The hockey news today is that Islander Chris "The Decapitator" Simon will not face criminal charges for his attack on Ryan Hollweg of the Rangers. If you didn't see it, check it out here. It's pretty fantastic.

Is it just me or does there seem to be a lot more cheap shots and old school fighting this year? Check out the clip below of Jordin Tootoo crushing Robidas of the Stars. Tootoo (yeah, that's his real name) was suspended 5 games for the action. My theory on all this is that Gary Bettman and the NHL are letting up on fighting because fans love it, it generates buzz (good or bad), and it sells tickets. Seriously, since the lockout there has been very little national media coverage of the NHL. Except when some goon tries to chop another guy's head off. The Chris Simon incident is the best example of this. That clip was shown everywhere. It's better publicity than no publicity at all. Right? Right, Gary??? You keep watching, we'll see more of this stuff next season.

Oh and enjoy watching this guy get knocked out dead cold. Eeeesh.

NCAA Hockey Tourney Pick 'Em

2007-03-19T08:37:00.000-06:00

As promised, here's a link to the NCAA Hockey Tournament Pick 'Em Challenge. It's a pretty big deal. Click on the link below and see if you can figure it out. Alabama-Huntsville is definitely my sleeper pick.

Wild Hockey Guide NCAA Hockey Madness! (Click Championship, then you'll see the bracket. Then click "Predict It!" at the top of the page. Then, you'll click a button at the bottom of the page and you'll probably have to register or something. This is the best I could do. Apparently, ESPN.com doesn't have a NCAA Hockey pool yet...)

MARCH MADNESS

2007-03-16T09:19:00.000-06:00

Yes, People! It's the that time of year again. College hockey playoffs! The NCAA tourney field will be set on Sunday, so check back and enter the 2007 Casual Hockey NCAA Division I Hockey Tourney Pick 'Em Challenge. (I might shorten the name - maybe). The prizes are yet to be determined. So don't forget, check back Sunday or Monday to enter the Casual Hockey Pick 'Em Challenge.

Note: Some of you I realize don't care about College Hockey, or probably Hockey in general. But, it's just another reason to fill out a bracket and who doesn't like that?

In honor of College Hockey fans everywhere, check out the clip below. Here's the setup: The game is over, and the Gophers had just lost to CC in the WCHA Final Five. Tyler Hirsch, one of their top scoring forwards, skates to center ice, sets up like he's taking a penalty shot, then skates full-speed at the net, takes a slapper, and slams into the goal knocking it over. As he skates to the bench, he realizes he better leave his stick at center ice. Needless to say, this guy isn't playing competitive hockey anymore.

The Onion is Smarter than Gary Bettman

2007-03-15T13:32:00.000-06:00

The Onion reports that the NHL has signed a deal with the Food Network. I like this. This could actually work. The NHL may as well televise its games on the Food Network, since its currently stuck lingering in cable tv hell. Here's a quote from Gary Bettman:

"We also thought the lead-in programs on Versus, especially those that focused on bull-riding, bass fishing, and violent contact sports, were not entirely compatible with the image of the league. Now, hockey games will follow Emeril Live, Feasting On Asphalt, and The Hungry Detective, which, as you can plainly see, are a better fit."

Hey, at least they'd be on a channel people watch. The Onion's fine reporting comes just as the NHL started bragging about this:

"Tuesday’s Buffalo at Pittsburgh game on VERSUS posted a .41 national household cable rating, garnering 394,678 viewers. The telecast not only was the highest-rated NHL game this year, but the most-viewed NHL regular-season game ever on the network."

Ok, easy now Mr. Bettman. I think Blue's Clues and Bob the Builder still have you beat. Also beating you, MTVs My Super Sweet Sixteen. So, let's not get too excited. (That game was pretty awesome though, if you saw it.)

Not really related sidenote: Christina Aguilera was at the Wild game in Vancouver the other night. By far the biggest celeb to attend an NHL game this year. Word on the street is that she and this guy have a little something going. Seriously, it's in US Weekly. Probably.

Messier and Gary Coleman: Peas in a Pod

2007-03-13T07:51:00.000-06:00

It's been quite awhile since I posted last. I apologize. But I hope to make it up to everyone by sharing the picture above. Yes, it's amazing.

First, the photo was taken sometime in the 1980s, the peak of Gary Coleman's career and in the midst of the Oilers Stanley Cup Dynasty. Which falls right into my theory that the NHL sucks at drawing celebs. Now, we know they've always sucked at it. The Oilers could only get Gary Coleman in the locker room? Really? We're talking about one of the great Dynasties in all of sports and they can only get Gary Coleman. Honestly, something needs to be done. Soon.

Second, presumably Coleman wants an autograph from Messier, which Messier obviously finds hilarious, like 'what could this guy possibly want with my autograph?' Maybe Gary Coleman is a hockey fan. I don't know. Also, Gary Coleman has an autograph book? (Or, conspiracy theorists, is Messier actually getting an autograph from Gary Coleman??? Wow, total mindfuck, there.)

Third, what's with that teeny tiny little towel Mess is wearing??? I mean, don't look too closely or you might see Mark Messier's penis. (How is that towel even staying on. It's obviously a hand towel. How is this possible?) It's probably the only time you'll ever see a 6-time Stanley Cup champion's penis, so have a look!

Fourth, Messier drinking a beer, post-game. That's fantastic.

Mike Richter dropping the gloves with Congress

2007-03-06T11:00:00.000-06:00

Surrounded by The Rockettes and wearing full pads and uniform, Mike Richter announced last week that he is considering running for US Congress in Connecticut's 4th District (Seriously, click the link). Richter, a former all-star goalie, helped the New York Rangers win the Stanley Cup in 1994. During the press conference, Richter vowed to wear his goalie mask throughout the campaign. He said if elected he would bring his goalie stick to all committee hearings "to show those conservative pussies there's a new sheriff in town." He also said that if given the chance, he would "playfully jersey" John McCain.

Richter said, "You know, if I walk by him in the men's bathroom I might pull his suit coat over his head and give him a couple quick ones to the ribs. Just to keep things light, keep him on his toes, let him know that I'm watching him." "Jerseying" is a technique widely used in hockey fights. A player will pull his opponent's jersey over his head and arms, rendering him immobile. This allows the player to repeatedly punch his opponent in the face.

Although critics say he has little or no political experience, Richter defended his experience, saying, "I played for Team USA! I blocked hockey pucks for my country, at home and abroad! I played against the Soviets during the Cold War! That's pretty much all the experience I need. McCain got a purple heart?? Who cares? My name is on the Stanley Cup. How many Congressmenpeoples can say that?"

He also pointed out that he was a patriot before "it was cool to be a patriot." Richter's goalie mask has an image of the Statue of Liberty painted on it. As he walked off the stage, Richter mumbled something about wanting to get Nancy Pelosi in the penalty box sometime, but the remark was mostly unintelligible.

Richter retired from the NHL in 2003 because of an overwhelming number of concussions. He was accepted at Yale soon after (again, not kidding). He is majoring in Political Science and will graduate in 2008. It is widely speculated that Mark Messier would be Richter's Chief of Staff/Enforcer.

Reader Question; Or NHL Level 3 Exam

2007-03-02T11:25:00.000-06:00

I got this question from a reader the other day:

You seem very knowledgeable on hockey. In your opinion, who are the twelve players with the most unique backstories (from a human interest perspective) to have won the Stanley Cup over the past three years?

Wow! Is there a right answer to this question? Is this a final exam? Unfortunately, this reader didn't leave a name or email. But I have a sneaking suspicion that it's actually Barry Melrose, ESPN's hockey analyst. He's always bothering me for insight and analysis. As if I have time for that.

Anyway, I thought I'd give it a shot. Let's take a closer look at the question. The players with the most unique backstories to have won the Cup in the last 3 years. First, that's obviously a trick question. With the lockout in 2005, there have been only 2 Cup winners in the last 3 years. Ha, you can't fool me, Melrose! So that leaves us with last year's Cup champs, the Carolina Hurricanes, and the 2004 champs, the Tampa Bay Lighting. Second, you want me to give you 12 players from two teams with interesting back stories? 12?? That's too many. I'm not doing that. That's not fun. You hear me, Barry? That's excessive.

(Let's be honest, not all these guys are interesting. They're hockey players. They either grew up on the Canadian prairies and spent all their free time playing shinny with their pals, mom drove them to early morning practice, etc., etc. Or they grew up playing in Scandinavia and never learned how to check or fight. Those are the simple facts, folks. So, I'll name a couple interesting players, not 12.)

Martin St. Louis (Mar-tan San Loo-ee) - Yes, he's French-Canadian. No, I don't hold that against him. Well, not really. St. Louis plays for the Lighting and won a load of awards when he won the Cup in 2004. He was the league scoring champ, league MVP, and Stanley Cup playoff MVP all in the same year. Not bad. Of course, none of this would be particularly interesting if he weren't 5'2". Yep, he's just a little guy. The NHL lists him at 5'9", but he's closer to 5' than he is to 6'.

In fact, he's so little no team wanted to draft him when he came out of the University of Vermont (no word on if he did the "elephant walk" like many UVM players before him). He was signed by Calgary as free agent, played in the minors until he was released, and Tampa Bay picked him up soon after. Blah, blah, blah. The rest is history.

Mike Commodore - In stark contrast to Little Martin St. Louis, Commodore is 6'5" and 230lbs. He's a man among men. Anyway, his story isn't all that interesting, he grew up playing on the Canadian prairies, he stayed out on the pond all night skating, etc., etc.,...you get the idea. (Commodore hails from Fort Saskatchewan, Alberta, which I hear is beautiful this time of year. It's the Naples of Alberta, I'm told.) But here's why I like him:

1. He played for the Fighting Sioux. Enough said, I think.
2. Voted "Best Hair" in the NHL. (Ladies, I know what you're thinking. Open the window if you're feeling a little flushed.)
3. Around the locker room, he wears a white bathrobe with his number embroidered on it. (Actually, that might be the best thing about him.)
4. Shockingly, it turns out, he's the other guy molesting the Stanley Cup with Rod the Bod in the previous post! (I'm not sure how I feel about this).
5. He's tough (despite the weirdo Stanley Cup pic). The guys at goonblog.com (yes, that's a real website) offer a wonderful description of one of his scraps in the minors:

When they decided to go, Commodore got his gloves off, and lowered the boom on Thompson. Brent went down like he’d been shot. Commodore went in for more, picking up Thompson by his jersey, noticed he was out cold, and dropped him like 8th grade Spanish. Thompson finally made it to the box, were he asked the penalty box attendant why he was in there, and when he got out so many times, the attendant was compelled to inquire if Brent was OK. Hilarious turn of events. Well, not for Brent Thompson.

(Seriously, though, who drops 8th grade spanish class? Is that even allowed?) One of his more recent scraps follow...Oh and Barry, I hope that answers your question!

Stanley Cup molested by "Rod the Bod" in gay bath house

2007-03-01T11:22:00.000-06:00

So, that's Rod Brind'Amour in the pic above (yes, his nickname is Rod the Bod, but I think he gave it to himself. Does that count?). It's really not clear what the hell is happening in that picture. I mean, I really love the Stanley Cup and everything. But do I love it THAT much? I'm not sure. There's a guy whose job it is to monitor the Cup at all times, just to make sure nothing bad/weird/tragic happens to it. Well, what was he doing when the above happened? I don't believe he was like, "Oh sure guys, take your shirts off. Alright, let's get a pic with the Cup. Okay, now splash some water on each other...." (And, is he flexing or is the Cup really, really heavy?)

If you didn't know, the Bod is also widely recognized as the ugliest man in the NHL. Anyway, this is all background info for the clip below, which is amazing.

Video Hockey - NHL '97 Trade Analysis

2007-02-28T13:46:00.000-06:00

You can read my analysis of the Wild's trade in the previous post. But here's some reading you just can't miss. The people over at Teapot Dome Scandal have done a thorough analysis of some of the recent trades in the NHL. If you're a fan of the EA Sports video hockey series for Sega, you really need to read this. Here's a teaser:

"I'm not sure what the big deal was about San Jose picking up Bill Guerin. The guy's a 73 Overall, which is more or less Nelson Emerson / Paul Ysebart territory, plus his alarming 66 Endurance really calls into question his commitment to conditioning. Which I imagine occurs while the system is turned off."

Indeed.

Ivy Leaguers? Really? Really???

2007-02-27T20:37:00.000-06:00

The NHL trade deadline came and went today. Some notable players were available: Bill Guerin, Todd Bertuzzi, Gary Roberts, and others. So who did the Wild pick up? Dominic Moore, from the Penguins. That's him in blue in the pic above. Presumably, Todd White took him down. (Also, Todd White is 5'8" about 150).

If you don't know who the hell this guy is, don't worry I'm pretty sure no one in the state of Minnesota knows about him either. Although, apparently he's ranked 11th on Harvard's all-time scoring list. So that's great. We've got Harvard's 11th all-time leading scorer. Now we're well on our way to a Cup parading down Nicollet Mall. Maybe next year we'll pick up a Dartmouth guy who's ranked 15th in all-time penalty minutes, because that would really put the fear of God into our opponents. Shit.

Case in point, here's a clip from the Star Tribune article on the trade:

"Because he pays little attention to Eastern Conference teams, coach Jacques Lemaire admittedly knows "nothing" about Moore, saying even assistant coach Mario Tremblay said, "Who?" when told of the deal."

Read the rest of the story here.

The Wild gave up a 3rd round pick for this guy. Honestly, was it even worth the time, energy, and money spent by dozens of people to get this deal done? Was it? The answer, no. No way. If somehow this guy scores the game 7 winner the Cup Finals, I'll, I'll...sit on my balls for an hour. Really.

NHL Celebs Part Two

2007-02-26T11:23:00.000-06:00

Awhile ago, I wrote about how the NHL needs to attract more A-list celebs to its games. Well, apparently, the NHL was way ahead of me on this. An article in the Wall Street Journal from April, 2006 details how the NHL has been courting celebrities, offering VIP tickets to games and such things. Judging by this excerpt, I don't think it's going too well:

As the race for the Stanley Cup heats up, the NHL is trying various ways to raise its profile -- and erase memories of last year, when a labor dispute canceled the season. Taking a page from basketball, the league is on a mission to get celebrities in the stands where they can see and be seen.

It isn't always easy. The league wooed Steve Carell, the star of NBC's "The Office," and fellow cast members to show up at a game. Mr. Carell declined; the NHL wound up with the supporting actress who plays Jan, along with two other co-stars. To tempt George Clooney, the NHL sent a VIP pass to any playoff game anywhere. Mr. Clooney's representative says "he's strictly a basketball, baseball and football guy," and in any case hasn't received the pass. (The NHL says some passes are still en route.)
Check out the rest of the article.

Okay, two things. First, Steve Carell is a pretty big star. Too bad he wouldn't go. Also, too bad "the supporting actress playing Jan" went nameless in the article. She's not even star-enough to be named in the article?!?! But I'm sure she caused a stir at the game she attended. I can just hear fans whispering to one another, "Who's that?" "Oh, that's the supporting actress who plays Jan on the 'The Office.'" "Oh. Right." Now that's star power. It's like the NHL just gave up when Steve Carell said no thanks and left the tickets at the set for anyone to pick up. The league is lucky a couple of lighting technicians didn't show up.

Second, George Clooney hates hockey. Basically, what his rep was saying is that George likes all the other sports, just not hockey. So that's great. One of the world's biggest stars hates hockey. I guess we have to be content with Lil Jon.

"Riding his stick like a horse..."

2007-02-23T15:42:00.000-06:00

This has to be in the running for best hockey story of the year. If you're too good to click my links, here's a teaser:

"Mickey Meyer rode his stick like a horse, dropped his bulky pants, mooned the crowd and slapped his buttocks during a game against Brigham Young University, police said."

So far, I haven't been able to find video of the excitement. Would love to post it if anyone has a copy. Another example of why hockey is the greatest sport on this planet.

Also, did I mention this guy is one of the best players in the NHL. And who says the NHL doesn't have marketable players?

They're just scrappin'!

2007-02-23T15:23:00.000-06:00

Well, if you watch hockey you certainly saw arguably the best bench-clearing brawl of the year last night. It was...excellent. The clip above does a good job describing the details of what went down and how it started. Please note Chris Drury's bleeding head, probably the best indication of why it started. Let's give some credit to Drew Stafford (Fighting Sioux alum) for immediately dropping the gloves with Neil after the hit on Chris Drury. Drew Stafford - um, we learned is not a fighter, as Neil immediately pulled the jersey over his head and punched him in the face a couple times. But, he came back and got the shootout game winner. Nice.

P.S. These two teams play again tomorrow night. That will be interesting.

The Wild and Sub Sandwiches

2007-02-21T20:19:00.000-06:00

In a great game last night, the Wild won on a shootout goal by Mikko Koivu. That link won't show you the actual goal, but it's pretty much the same thing. Unfortunately, the big win over the Stars was overshadowed by this quote from Mike Greenlay, Wild tv analyst:

"He delivered that (hit) like a big ol' sub sandwich!!! [Pause] I don't even know what that means."

Okay Mike, settle down. I can just see Mike's partner in the booth sliding him a note, "STOP TALKING! YOU'RE RUINING IT! ARE YOU HUNGRY OR SOMETHING???"

Also, my dreams of a Stanley Cup parade down Nicollet Mall are pinned on this guy. Seriously, you'll really regret it if you don't click that link.

Another Tip for the NHL

2007-02-20T13:47:00.000-06:00

The Wild play another big game at home tonight against Dallas. (I should stop saying that, because at this point they're all big games.) Gaborik and Demitra have been pretty much unstoppable for the last 10 games. Here's a quote from Brian Rolston about making sure other guys are contributing:

"We'll be just fine. Gabby and Pav have been going for a long time here. But I agree we need to get goals from other places. I don't think Butch and me are doing a terrible job, but obviously we need to get scoring again, there's no question."

Okay, so here's my beef. What's with the nicknames??? Read that again. Gabby, Pav, and Butch!?!? Three nicknames in three sentences. You rarely here nicknames tossed around in interviews from athletes in other sports. I'm convinced this is a hockey thing. And it needs to stop. Rolston, you're giving an interview. Try to pretend you're not sitting in a bar talking hockey. It's a good thing if people know the names of the players. It is. Really. Can we start acting like a legit professional sports league now? Can we? Please? I blame Gary Bettman and Russians.

Fashion Week in Buffalo, NY

2007-02-20T12:59:00.000-06:00

If you're like me and you love hockey and love fashion, you probably already heard about the Buffalo Sabres fashion show. (Don't waste your time watching the whole thing. Do watch the first bit so you understand how ridiculous this is.) Seriously, who thought this was a good idea? Apparently, Ryan Miller did. He's the Sabres goalie, which might explain a few things. (Goalies are weird. Don't ask why, it's just the way it is.) I'm not sure why he thought it would be a good idea to dress-up his teammates. Let's remember that these are mostly Canadian farm boys and nothern European guys. Fashion isn't exactly their "thing".

If you watch the video, you understand why hockey players aren't doing a lot of modeling. First, they aren't pretty. (Watch the interview with red-headed defenseman Brian Campbell and you'll see what I mean). Second, hockey players have big legs and big asses. They look better in breezers and pads than slacks and shirts. Yet, it's not the first time hockey and fashion have come together. Everyone's favorite hockey movie, Slapshot, features a charity fashion show. The players aren't exactly amused. Chiefs defenseman Johnny Upton sums it up:

"I'm gonna flash 'em, Joe. I'm gonna open up this f*&$%@ robe and wiggle my dick at 'em...every lady in there, with the exception of my wife, is gonna be running for the exits...you and your fucking fashion shows!"

Please note, Johnny Upton does indeed wiggle it, which is followed by horrified screams. Unfortunately, I don't think any of the Sabres "wiggled it at 'em" at the Buffalo Convention Center. I would have heard about this. To date, I haven't heard of any Minnesota Wild fashion shows. Honestly, I can't believe this stuff actually happens.

President's Day

2007-02-19T11:58:00.000-06:00

Ah, yes. Prez Day. If you're fortunate enough not be working, it's got to be one of the best holidays on the calendar. Think about it. You don't have to DO anything on Prez Day. No buying valentines, no turkeys (although, I do love turkeys), no holiday gifts, no fireworks. It's great, what's not to love?

So, I was trying to decide how to best incorporate hockey and Prez Day. I was totally stumped...until I found this clip of Samuel L. Jackson and Chris Chelios. (I'm still learning how to post videos and pics, so bear with me! Just click the link.) It's a bit long, but absolutely worth it. Here's a little tidbit:

"I'm gonna shove Lord Stanley's Cup right up his candy-ass!"

I think you'll agree, this is exactly the kind of thing the NHL needs. Some well-known stars, good humor, and Chris Chelios. Those are the ingredients of success!

Versus Quote of the Week

2007-02-14T09:52:00.000-06:00

If you were able to find the Versus Channel last night, you may have seen the Ducks and the Avs. This was the announcer's lead-in to the commercial break after a big hit:

"They're bumping uglies tonight in Denver! Stay with us!"

Huh? Excuse me? Could you repeat that? I'm not really sure if this guy knew what he was saying. But, funny nonetheless. If you don't know the phrase "bumping uglies" this link will help. In any case, that's what you get with Versus hockey coverage, a lot of unintentional comedy. I'm starting to like it actually.

Valentine's Day Special!!!

2007-02-14T09:08:00.000-06:00

Because there's nothing better than dinner, hockey, and sex (yes, all in one night), the Wild smartly scheduled a home game against the Canucks tonight. Unfortunately, this also means that, if you're at the game, you'll be seeing a lot of this, Click it. (Not sure exactly what's happening here, what has happened or, worse, what is going to happen. There are almost too many questionable things about this pic. Note, I wouldn't get into an elevator with those 7 people. And why are those two people on their knees??) Anyway, you'll be seeing a lot of couples in matching jerseys tonight. I've never understood this phenomena. It's terrible. And the couples doing this are always sort of lumpy. They wander around the arena concourse holding hands and the backs of the jerseys say things like, "Hubby" or "#1 Wild Fan". I can't stand this. Luckily, my wife would punch me in the face if I bought jerseys for the both of us (otherwise, I'd probably already have bought them).

If you can stomach the jersey crowd, the game should be a good one. Both teams are tied with 66pts., two behind NW division leader Calgary. If you can't convince your lady to go to the game tonight, tell her these guys will be performing at intermission...I'm told.

Related V-day Sidenote: What the hell is Dougie Weight doing in this pic??? Two interesting things about the pic: 1. The excitement/fascination of the ladies in the crowd (and that guy on the left) 2. Coach Joel Quenneville totally disgusted, watching the whole thing unfold on the "Kisscam". You can actually see Quenneville losing all respect for Weight.

Tonight on...Versus (Part Two)

2007-02-12T16:22:00.000-06:00

Because I do extensive and deliberate research in preparation for the posts on this blog, I watched a game on Versus last week (Rangers versus Bruins). You know how Jack Nicholson and Leo DiCaprio are always at Laker games? And the announcer does the token, "...and look who's taking in the game tonight. It's Brad Pitt," blah, blah, blah. It was great to see that the stars also come out for NHL games. Versus tried to pull this off last week. Except the only celebrity in attendance was...Liam Neeson, who is almost 84 I think. He was looking old. Is this the biggest star we can conjure up??? Admittedly, Liam Neeson is a great actor, but I don't think he's the kind of guy the NHL needs right now. I'm pretty certain, no one (out of the 94 people) watching this thought to themselves, "Wow. Liam Neeson. Yeah. Hmmm. Hockey must be hot right now." I swear, the NHL should star paying celebs to show up at games. Why not do this? Get Brittany to show up pantyless. Maybe Scarlett J. shows up with Justin Timberlake. The pic of them at a hockey game ends up in US Weekly and BAM! Hockey's back! This would work. It really is that easy.

And that got me thinking, what other celebs like and watch hockey. And sadly, this is what I came up with:

1. Dennis Leary - I can't stand this guy.
2. Cuba Gooding Jr. - Last movie I remember him in, "Snow Dogs".
3. Kiefer Sutherland - Probably the most famous celeb hockey fan.
4. MacGuyver - I don't know his real name and I'm not sure he's alive any more. Does he count?
5. Liam Neeson - Apparently.
6. Jason Priestley - He's making a killing on 90210 syndication.
7. Alan Thicke - Who didn't love "Family Ties"?
8. Dave Coulier - What a jokester! “Full House” was the best!

Okay, this is getting embarrassing. I have to stop now. The sad part is, it gets worse. Really, click here.

Tonight on...Versus (sigh)

2007-02-12T14:18:00.000-06:00

Yes, tonight on Versus (formerly OLN, otherwise known as Outdoor Life Network - wow) the Red Wings battle the Flyers. For those of you who have never heard of Versus (you're not alone by the way), it's channel 932, sandwiched between The Puppy Channel and The Hallmark Channel. (Incidentally, the Hallmark Channel is pretty much Lifetime, WE, and Oxygen channels wrapped into one. So don't let your ladyfriend fool you.) Anyway, if you can find the channel, you can watch hockey tonight. Oh and preceding the hockey game is a show called, "Holy @#*!" Nope, not kidding. So be sure to tune in a little early tonight.

I just can't believe the NHL let this happen. How on earth do you let ESPN go away??? Makes no sense. Although, my inside sources tell me that ESPN had no interest in bringing back the NHL. If that was the case, the league should have just given ESPN the rights to broadcast games. For free. Instead, NHL games are lingering in cable tv hell. No one watches. I read somewhere that only 14 people watched the All-Star Game this year. How is this possible? I blame Gary Bettman for this. And obviously, the Russians must take some of the blame as well.

I really wish I could have been inside of Bettman's brain during negotiations. What the hell was happening in there? On the one hand you have ESPN, the worldwide leader in sports. Not just the best sports channel, one of the best channels on tv. Everyone knows that. When guys turn on their TVs, ESPN is either the first thing that comes on or the channel is immediately changed to ESPN. At that point, there's a 50/50 chance the guy will just leave it on. No matter what is on. Seriously.

Case in point, last weekend I wake up around 830am, wander to couch, turn on ESPN, and proceed to watch an hour of women's 9-ball pool. An hour! Granted, the Black Widow was playing and she IS tremendous, but still. And yesterday, I turn on the ESPN and some terrible NBA game is on. Now, you have to understand that I hate the NBA. It's a disgrace to all other professional sports. I just can't get into a sport where its best players, Shaq and Lebron, can be sidelined for 20 games by a big toe injury. A big toe. How is that possible? In any case, I end up watching the basketball game. For no good reason. I don't even like it. It's obvious, I'm hypnotized by ESPN. My wife, knowing this, comes in and says, "What are you doing??? You don't even like basketball." I look up, tired and drowsy. Shit, she's right. That breaks the spell.

Okay, so back to Bettman's brain. Why wouldn't he want millions of guys watching NHL games on the worldwide leader in sports? I can't answer this question. Let's just go with this: Gary Bettman is a douche until he proves otherwise. Seems reasonable.

The Geriatric Line Starts

2007-02-09T11:30:00.000-06:00

The Wild picked up a nice win last night against the Florida Panthers. I have to admit, even though I follow the NHL pretty closely, I forget that Miami (of all the places in the world) still has real team. They just fell off the radar after the Cup run in '96. They will remain "off the radar" with their current marquee players being Eddie Belfour, Gary Roberts, and Todd Bertuzzi. If you are indeed a casual fan, Eddie "The Eagle" Belfour and Gary "I Have No Shame" Roberts have a combined age of like 107. I'm not kidding. I think Roberts won a Cup in 1967 with Gordie Howe, that's how old this guy is. After the game, the trainers have crutches waiting for him when he steps off the ice. It's terrible.

And Eddie, poor Eddie, he looked absolutely awful last night. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw him in net. He should be playing in B-list pro/am golf tournaments on the Hooters Tour. Instead, he's getting lit up on a nightly basis playing in South Florida (his save percentage is among the league's worst). Every time the Wild scored on him he looked stunned, like he couldn't believe he was still in NHL taking 90mph slapshots in the chest. At times, it looked like he was using the crossbar to prop himself up (not unlike Denis "de hair, de hair" Lemieux in Slapshot, although at this point Denis was a far better goalie than Eddie is now...think about that). Just like Roberts is crutching around the locker room after games, I swear the trainers must have to push Eddie into the crease before the puck drops. He can hardly move from side to side. Eddie, if you're reading this, it's time to retire. It just is. You're not going to win a Cup with the Miami Icecats or whatever. Just stop. Nobody can bear to watch anymore.

Other than seeing those two guys, the game was fairly uneventful. Even though Florida got close a couple times, the Wild responded with quick goals. There wasn't much rough stuff since Gary Bettman, the commish, was in the house. Apparently, Bettman was there to have a heart to heart with Bob Naegle (Wild owner). But, I think Naegle and Bettman just sat in the owner's box and counted their stacks of gold coins. That's what rich people do...I'm told. More on Bettman this weekend.

Related sidenote: Boogaard got his first point of the season last night. Everyone is talking about this. The Wild media all reported that Coach Jacques called out Boogaard, saying he should be playing better offensively, or something like that. I don't understand this. Jacques, help me out. You are asking your goon, your tough guy, your enforcer, to start making some plays in the offensive zone. Huh? This makes no sense. Especially for Boogaard. He's 6'7", 495 lbs., that's not his game. His game is to punch people in the face. That's what YOU hired him to do. Why put the extra pressure on him to score goals? If I had to choose between Boogaard scoring a goal and Boogaard bloodying Bertuzzi's stupid head, I'd obviously choose to watch Boogaard bloody Bertuzzi's head. Even if it was a game winning goal. I'd much rather watch Bouchard or Rolston score the goals. If Boogaard scores, it's going to be ugly anyway. It'll deflect off his shin pad or something. What's fun about that? Honestly. Can we stop talking about this now? There's a reason why he only has one point through 55 games this year.

Wild Lose and the HLOG Ladies Revisted

2007-02-07T10:08:00.000-06:00

The Wild lost last night in Dallas. 4 - 2. By all accounts it was a terrible and uninspired game. The Wild jumped out to a 2-0 lead almost immediately, then promptly gave up 4 unanswered goals. I have to admit I didn't actually watch the game. My wife chained me to the couch and we watched 3 consecutive episodes of Sex and the City. I'm not even kidding. I think I've seen every episode of season 6 about a dozen times. That's all TBS does. They've got season 6 on a loop and it just repeats itself. I can't handle it. And my wife watches like it's the first time she's seen it. Totally enthralled and content. I'm trying to think of something I could watch over and over and over again. Ummm, maybe Miracle. (I always tear up when Eruzione gets on the medal stand and invites the rest of the guys up there and they're holding up number 1. Gets me every time. Other than that, I've never cried. Seriously.) Also, now that I'm thinking about it, I could probably watch any of the Don Cherry Rock 'Em, Sock 'Em videos for any length of time. If you don't know Don Cherry, here's a few tidbits: he coached the Bruins in the 70s, he's a regular commentator on Hockey Night in Canada, he loves fighting and Doug Gilmour, and he hates European and French-Canadian hockey players (they wear visors and they don't have "guts"). Here's Don Cherry meeting one of the Kids in the Hall.

Hockey quote of the day:

"You don't like to see 20 kids punching 20 other kids. It's not a disgrace, it's hockey."
- Unknown Montreal journalist, referring to one of the most amazing hockey fights ever.

Okay, I don't even understand this quote. But it's hilarious. Check out this link to see the fight between Canada and Russia in the 1987 World Juniors. Naturally, Don Cherry went on camera stating flatly, "I blame the Russians!" I'll be talking a lot more about fighting, hockey, and Don Cherry in coming weeks.

HLOGs Part 2: If you missed my first post, and I'm sure you didn't, here's a reader response:

"In regards to the ladies who love hockey players blog (or whatever) how attractive could a chick be if she actually can complain:

'If I hear one more effin' time that prior to this year, Malkin was the best hockey player in the world not playing in the NHL, I'm going to puke all over my Hockey News.'

Seriously...Can you imagine Elle McPherson uttering such words....or being in a situation in which she's been hearing way too much about Malkin?!! If you can't, I think it may be exactly what she's frustrated about here: http://img76.exs.cx/img76/527/Elle_MacPherson_33.jpg (NSFW)"

Ok, so that explains it. I couldn't agree more. Also, I didn't want to get into posting boobs so quickly, but I felt the point couldn't be made without the pic. Call it my editorial instincts.

Lesson One?

2007-02-06T14:59:00.000-06:00

Okay, I'm at work writing my first entry for my web log. This cannot be a good sign. I'm going to tell myself this is just a short break. I deserve breaks. Whether it's for coffee or writing in my new blog. (I believe Grantland Rice got his start this way. Can anyone confirm this?) This is a hockey blog. A hlog, if you will. I'll be helping the more casual fan understand the game in ways that are probably trivial and irrelevant, at best.

Amazing, I just did a google search for "hlog" and what comes up? Hlog - Hockey's Ladies of Greatness. A blog devoted to hockey from a lady's perspective. I wish I was kidding. Among the many fabulous posts this site offers is a "fantasy make-out session" with Evgeni Malkin, the highly-touted Penguins rookie. I couldn't possibly make this stuff up. This is great, here's a teaser:

"Now at ease and slightly hammered, you start to notice the kindness in his eyes, and not the underbite. You take a leisurely walk through the streets of picturesque Pittsburgh (again, this is a fantasy), with the translator a few steps behind...He finds you a nice park bench and together, you hardcore communicate in the international language until the translator tracks you down and busts you." Please read more...amazing.

"Hardcore communicate in the international language"???? Can I nominate that for the Pulitzer? And, seriously, what is the translator's role in all of this? Obviously, Evgeni needs to work on his english, but why write the translator into the makeout fantasy? Unless I missed some sort of threeway action, that would be the only reason you'd want the translator there. If you want to read the rest, please check out the link. No seriously, check it out. This will be a book someday, "The Best Hockey-Erotic Stories of 2007". I believe there's also a "fantasy make-out session" story featuring Sidney "Jailbait" Crosby (their words not mine), if you're into that sort of thing. Again, I couldn't make this stuff up.

A related sidenote (sort of): These women clearly love hockey players in an odd/obsessive sort of way. It reminds me of Miss McGill from the movie Youngblood, widely regarded as the best serious/dramatic hockey movie. If you haven't seen it, go rent it. (Although, Slapshot makes attempts at more serious drama in the middle of the movie as well...the plant closes down and Reggie's wife leaves him for good, and the team is going to fold, etc. It's all too serious. Doesn't work. We all just want to get back to Reg screaming, "She's a lesbian!!! I know! I know!!!"). In any case, Miss McGill runs a "boarding house" for new players in Hamilton, Ontario. Hmmm, how to say this...Miss McGill likes to seduce, then have sex with the new Mustangs' players. Actually, in the movie, this borders on sexual assault. Let's keep in mind that this movie and team is based on major juniors in Canada, so these players are as young as 15. I mean, Dean Youngblood (played by a constantly sweaty and young Rob Lowe) can't be older than 18. She's definitely a sexual predator. And it turns out that she's slept with most of the team, and ladies, this includes Patrick Swayze and Keanu Reeves. (Yes, they are also in the movie. I'm fairly certain this was Keanu's big break, he plays the French-Canadian goalie). Is this a bad thing? Probably not. It builds confidence. I mean, Miss McGill is like 57 and has giant knockers. How could that not be inspiring for a 16 year old kid? Case in point, look at Annie Savoy in Bull Durham. She's instrumental in Meat's ascendance to the Major Leagues.

Sidenote to a sidenote: There is no doubt in my mind that Bull Durham (1988) was inspired by Youngblood (1986). The basic plot is the same, but Bull Durham is obviously a better movie. I just want credit where it's due. That means you, Academy Awards! Bull Durham gets an Oscar and Youngblood gets nothing?? I protest. 21 years too late, but I protest nonetheless.

So anyway, these ladies and their hockey blogs and fantasy make-out sessions make me wonder. Are these ladies also preying on young junior players, in say, Omaha? Or Traverse City? Or even Bismarck? I like to think so. For those of you who are casual hockey fans and don't know, there are certain women who absolutely love hockey players. Not being a woman, I'm not sure what it is, but I'm not sure how you could love a face like this. Keep in mind, these ladies are mainly from Canada and the northern US. Not sure what they might look like and also afraid to say anymore...

I guess that concludes lesson one. I think the take home point here is that even though Miss McGill is kind of slutty, she really loves hockey. That's great. I think Don Cherry once said something like that. And same goes for the women writing the weird fantasies about NHL rookies. (The more I think about that, the weirder it is. Who writes that stuff? I'm intrigued.) They just love hockey (players?). I couldn't be happier about that.